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PTSD after being sexually abused on drugs

emily96
Community Member

I'm really new to this but really appreciate that there is a place to go to talk to people when I don't want to talk to a therapist or my family about what has happened to me.

Last year I was living in Scotland on exchange. Being a normal college student, I was really into the party scene - drinking, drugs.

I met a guy that was living in the flat below mine and we started chatting one night during a Flat party. He invited me to his room to smoke some weed, which I agreed to. I thought that we were nothing more than friends.

I had way too much weed, and felt instantly sick and like I could pass out. I was a zombie. He recommended I sleep it off in his bed which I stupidly agreed too. A little while later, I woke up to him on top of me. I couldn't fight him because I was still so limp from the drugs.

I ran away from his flat when he went to the bathroom and had to face him a lot since he lived below me. I remember that at the time I didn't think it was sexual abuse because I had taken the drugs, and I had put myself in that situation, and because he acted so normal with me every time I passed him in our building. I didn't tell any friends, or family at all because I was so ashamed of myself - I should have known better.

A year on, there hasn't been a day that I haven't thought about it. I've never had any anxiety over it until recently. I've started becoming afraid to have sex, and I've had a couple of anxiety attacks when sex has been initiated with my boyfriend. It's like I'm in a dreamlike state when I look at him sometimes because he seems so foreign to me, and I start to get really terrified of him.

I've told my boyfriend about it and he is so supportive. I know that it's better to talk about it but I can't even imagine telling my parents because I can just see how disappointed they would be in me for being so naive in that situation.

I know that it's easy to say to victims of sexual abuse that "it's not their fault", but in my situation I really can't see how it wasn't my fault. I've never been so embarrassed.

I don't really know what I'm expecting to get out of posting this as a new thread - I guess it would really help if there's anyone out there that has been abused while they were under the influence of either drugs or alcohol, but at the same time I know that there's not that many people that would put themselves in that sort of a situation.

Thanks for taking the time to read my thread. It's been helpful just writing out my experience.

2 Replies 2

Quercus
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi Emily and welcome,

What a huge step. To post your story I think took huge courage. I hope talking continues to help you.

First of all... This is a safe non judgemental place. Noone is going to criticise or belittle the choices you made and the horrible experience you deal with even now... Because we have all made mistakes too.

Rape is rape.

It doesn't matter if you were high or drunk or asleep or if you agreed to go to his room.

It makes no difference if you fought him or not.

Or if you spoke up or stayed silent.

None of these things change the fact that he raped you.

You wrote you worry your parents will see you as naive. That not many others would put themselves in that situation. I think you are inadvertently speaking up for a lot of silent victims Emily.

Sexual assault is underreported. Why? For many of the reasons you gave. Embarrassment. Wondering somehow if it was your fault. Wondering if others will see you as naive ("what else did she expect to happen"... How I hate that attitude).

You aren't alone. And it is NOT your fault. I know that changes nothing about how you feel. It means nothing to me too. I still see my own stupidity. Placing trust in someone you shouldn't. Lack of judgement.

I remind myself though... If the roles were reversed... If he was drunk or stoned or pressured and I wanted and expected sex would I have done the same to him? The answer is NO. I don't WANT to touch someone without their consent. And I wouldn't.

So why was I not given the same respect? Why weren't you?

You chose the drugs. You chose to go with him and to sleep it off. That does not mean you gave him the right to use your body.

I understand not wanting to tell your family. My parents don't know. My husband, close friends and psychiatrist know. And here.

The hard part about talking about it I found was opening the can of worms. Once you begin to talk it can release a lot of overwhelming emotions that you have tried to bury inside. This is the time to make sure you have a solid support network offline. I know you said you're not keen on a therapist but it is a good idea to consider a medical professional or even a long appointment with your GP.

Most of all I wanted to make clear you did not choose to be raped. That decision was his alone.

The shame and guilt you struggle with.... That is HIS.

Be kind to yourself please.

❤ Nat

IreneM
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Good on you Emily96

I've experienced almost exactly the same thing. I didn't get sick from drugs or smoking, etc. But it was so frightening. The therapist helped me temporarily but it wasn't the answer - I still had to face the people who did it to me.

I eventually left the area and went interstate. It has been the best thing that I did. I still have to shelter myself from people a lot, but getting away from the area of abuse has made all the difference to my ability to cope. I didn't know that I had PTSD back then; it was over a decade before I knew.

I have since had Therapy to help me cope with the trauma but it isn't easy. It has taken alot of ongoing work on my part to change myself for the better, but is slowly paying off. Not long after I started Psychological Therapy I had to go back to my psychiatrist to put me back onto a low dose of anti-depressant whilst I was trying to face my past. But it's been worth it!

We are all here for each other, so hang in there!

Irene.