Never told

[Lady_Stardust]

Hey, everyone.

I don’t really know why I’m writing this. A large part of my brain is screaming for me not to because it fears that my family will somehow find this and realise that it’s me. But I have to say something under the cover of a username. It took me over half an hour to hit the post button, my heart was pounding.

I am afraid because I’ve never told them that I was assaulted over a decade ago (seven years old? Eight? Either one) and I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to. After many years, I was able to tell a very close friend of mine. I feel that’s a healthy step in the right direction, but I’ve never been able to verbalise or even hint at it to a psychologist.

When I’ve seen a professional, it’s right there, in my mind. ‘I was assaulted when I was a child’. It’s right there, and sometimes it even manages to reach the back of my throat, but it gets trapped there. I don’t know why. I feel like I should be over it by now. I feel like I should be able to say, hey, it’s in the past, I’m an adult now. And for the most part, I don’t think about it, it’s not on my mind. I can go months and months without the memory appearing and my stomach twisting in anger because I should have done something instead of freezing like I did.

But something triggers it and it reminds me, and I feel sick all over again, and like I just want to run up to the first person I see and tell them. I find men approaching me when I’m alone is something that both sets off my anxiety and my desire to fight if necessary. They could just be asking the time and I’d still have that reaction. Sometimes I wish they would try something, just so I could be justified in hurting them. There is an anger, very much alive in me.

Then there’s things like being told I should get a pap smear because that’s important, but the thought of it makes me panic internally. I don’t want someone touching me, I don’t want to be exposed like that. It is important for my health, but I don’t want to.

I am sick of these triggers and sick of being afraid and sick of keeping it locked inside where it chips away at me, surely sometimes without my knowledge. Maybe now that I’ve told you, it won’t get stuck anymore. Maybe I wrote this, disregarding the screaming of my brain, because I want my family to find out.

Is that selfish of me? They’re good people, of course, and I’m sure they’d find a way to blame themselves. Is it selfish of me? I don’t know. I’m not sure. I hope not. I just don’t want to be sick anymore.

[geoff]

hello Lady_Stardust, well done for pressing the hit button after editing your comment then deleting to finally posting it, I know how you feel even after all the replies I've made, but you've made 100 and that's terrific.

I admire you with so much regard for telling us, it's something that has been at the back of your mind for 10 years, distressing you, and I am truly so sorry that it did happen and upset that you have hidden it away.

With the psychologist, I would write down a couple of points you want to discuss and amongst that list mention what happened ( not in great detail ), this may change how your conversation goes but in the right direction.

The reason why it would be best to tell your psychologist is because it's a trigger as soon as a male approaches you, they will be able to gradually teach you how to avoid this fear.

Please consider what I have said so that at last feel at ease. Geoff.

[Lady_Stardust]

Hi, Geoff

Thank you very much for your kind and encouraging words. I will give your advice a go, because I really don’t want to react as I do to men. I know it’s irrational because very, very few men are actually out to hurt people, but I have trouble holding onto the fact that it’s irrational when I am approached.

I also am hypervigilant, which is something I want to work on too because it leaves me pretty tightly wound. 😕

[Doolhof]

Dear Lady_Stardust,

Congratulations to you for having the guts to share your story. If you feel you are able, I would encourage you to copy out what you have written here, print it off and hand it to your psychologist next time you go.

This may be a really hard thing for you to answer, and you don't have to answer anything you don't want to okay> I am just wondering if you are sexually safe now? Are you free from the predator who violated you?

Please remember that there is nothing you did to deserve what happened to you! You were a child. As children we have no power over the evil people do to us.

Do you think you might be able to tell your Mum what happened to you? Do yo think your parents are aware that you have an issue of some kind?

Regarding the pap smear. You may be able to have it done at a Women's clinic. You could ask your Dr. if there is one close to you. Or asking a female Dr to perform the test may be better for you. Maybe even making an appointment with a female Dr. and give her a piece of paper telling her what happened to you may be the way to go.

The sooner we are able to face our fears and try to get help for our issues, the sooner we can process in our minds what has happened and try to heal. I'm not suggesting what has happened to you is no big thing, I'm just hoping you can find the courage to receive the help you need to deal with what happened.

Cheers to you from (Mrs.) Dools

[Lady_Stardust]

Hi there,

Thank you very much. I never really thought about printing this and giving it to my psychologist, that could be something to work towards, perhaps? It’ll take some time, actually a lot of time, but maybe I could even do some practice runs in a way. Attempt to at least print it off first.

I am, yes. I don’t even know who he was. Total, opportunistic stranger. I guess I’m lucky in that regard, if that’s the right word to use?

I try to remember that, and most of the time I can recognise it, but since I am so, I don’t know, ready for a fight now, I sometimes feel like I should have been able to do something then. Even just make a sound or something. I just quietly cried.

I really don’t think so, to be honest. My mum and I are very close, and I think that finding out something like that could destroy her. It sounds dramatic but ... and I don’t think either my parents suspect anything like that, because I’m mentally ill anyway and was genetically predisposed, so everything could be sort of explained away with that.

I’ll try, I’ll try to ask my doctor, all I can think is that I’ll lie and say that I’m shy. That’s not completely a lie, I really am shy, but it’s a lie here. I still feel like I’d put it off for as long as possible, but then there’s this fear that what if there is something medically wrong and I won’t know until it’s too late? So many fears.

Like I said, I think telling you all might have helped. But you know, it’s different telling people I don’t know, online, than facing someone in person. I can already see myself backtracking whatever I might say or write.

Is there a way to deal with that? With those feelings of, ‘it wasn’t that bad, others have/had it worse, I should stop agonising and get over it’?