My diagnosis of PTSD.

[Lunaluz]

A week ago my psychologist diagnose me with PTSD as well as anxiety and depression. It has been strange to get my head around it and understanding this has been hard, specially because I don't want to tell anyone.

Since I was young my mum was emotionally abusive towards me, putting a lot of her emotions on to me,filling me with guilt and shame, as well as expecting me to help her fix the problems she was experiencing through my childhood. In a way she resented me for issues with my dad and her and my sister manipulated me for years,. About 3 years ago I moved from my country to live with my dad in Australia, I was 15, and since he acted in a similar manner to my mum; overly controlling and manipulative. The change of countries has been the most shocking thing that has happened to me, combined with my negative household life, I started experiencing very intense feelings, specially anxiety and depression. After 2 years of dealing with panic attacks,increasingly dark thoughts and getting into drugs and alcohol, I started seeing a psychologist who has helped me deal with my life in a better way. A month ago I decided to leave my dad's place for a couple of week, once he started to become mildly physically oppressive, however he took this opportunity to tell me I was no longer welcome to live with him. I've been living with a family friend since; and it has been amazing to experience an stable household. However, my anxiety is been very present this past month, I have a constant feeling that what has happened in my life is my fault. Everyone around has been extremely supportive of my situation and I'm very thankful of that, but I don't feel like I deserve that. I feel like I'm exaggerating the situation . I feel alone, I've been pushing people away and been awful to people I truly care about. I have exams in 2 months and I can't deal with everything. I don't want to be a burden to the people around me as I know they have their own lives and I don't want to bother them specially because I feel like I'm exaggerating the situation. As for my dad, I don't want to see him right now, that is awful of me but I'm not ready to be his 'friend'.

People have traumatic, scaring experiences that lead to them experiencing PTSD. I don't think what has happened to me is enough to leave me as broken as I am, and for that I hate myself deeply, but I have no other option than to keep going.

[Croix]

Dear Lunaluz~

I can't find all your previos posts however I have seen enough to know the you have certainly come to the right place, and that others can well understand what you have been going though.

Let's look at you situation, only 3 years in country with different rules to where you were brought up, two domineering parents,a toxic mother and sister, and then you were able you moved to your father, you found he was heartless and wished to throw you out.

Life has been hard, and depression, anxiety, panic attacks and the feeling unworthy and guilty are additional things you have had to bear (don't worry to much about making up tales, talking of a better life and better deeds is something many do - it is no big thing, especially under these circumstances)

OK, what do I want to say to you? I have PTSD, bouts of depression and anxiety, panic attacks not so much now so I can understand. I tried to push people away as well, dealing with them plus everything else was just too overwhelming

All the things you talk of, feeling unworthy, not deserving the affection and love of others, guilt, hopelessness and suicidal thoughts are all the result of your upbringing and your illness - as are the things you may make up. These three illnesses combine and change your thinking, in exactly the way you describe, I've been there

There is more inside you than you realise, and you are worthy of being liked and helped. I found that too after I having the proper medical support for a while - plus the support of my best freind, my partner

PTSD can come in many ways, it can be a cumulative thing, not brought on by just the one incident.

There a lot of good thngs I'm reading. You reduced weed and drink -a big thing taking determination. You traveled to an alien land when 15 years old, that takes courage. You study.

You are seeking medical help! That is great!

You have freinds, ones that are good enough to give you real help, with accommodation and affection. Do not fear being a burden just now, you never know how much good people want to help, it is built into most humans.

I suspect you might think that if you told them everything about you and your life they might shun you, leave you out like your parents and sister. I seriously doubt that is even possible. Most people are not like that, and friendship means trying to understand and see all the positives in a person.

You are not alone, your friends are there for you, and we are here with care and understanding.

Croix

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[CKS]

Hello to the beautiful Lunaluz

You sound like i was, as a young woman. That's over forty years ago. I too had a traumatic childhood and of recent years I have been diagnosed with Complex PTSD. And i didn't want people to know either... at first anyhow.

I too ended up being taken into the home of a wonderful couple who had four sons. I simply didn't understand how happy they were. how respectful they were. How loving and caring they were. But i couldn't help but feel that i didn't deserve all this. I went back to my mother's after a few months. And I a stint with my father as well.

A lot has transpired over the last forty years, but I am in a peaceful place now.

You have proven yourself to be a strong and courageous person and you need to be very proud of this!

It wasn't until I was 55 that I was told I was Brave (by my psychiatrist). OMG I was beside myself. I felt like my child had finally been recognised, validated, cared for and lots more. I wrote a poem about this. Perhaps you could write something for yourself about your courage and strength.

My parents fought all the time
My father beat my mother ferociously
So much violence and abuse there was
Oh, it was such a crime, such a crime
My mother’s heart and body were just so weak
She did not have it in her to oppose
She needed a soldier to fight for her
She needed a soldier to protect her
I was the one she chose
I tried the best I could
I was so very frightened
But I never shirked away
I was always courageous along the way
I would try to sleep
But reoccurring nightmares would come
People fighting there would be
I only wished they’d leave me be
I felt so angry at my father
I felt helpless as a child
I felt so responsible for my mummy
I was so brave and yet so wild
I was brave when I went into battle
I would punch and kick and tackle
I was so brave
I was so very brave
I was but a brave little girl
Who heard and saw terrible things
I was but a brave little girl
Who fought for others’ sins
Many years after
Therapy did come
And I was shined upon
Shined upon with three words of gallantry:
‘You were brave’ were the words that set me free
There is no longer a stigma
About how angry and violent I had become
I am a soldier who has medals of bravery
I am respected among my peers
I have no need for any more tears
The memories may never leave me
But the pride I now have
About the brave little girl that I was
Shall never leave me.

Take care

CKS

[CKS]

Hey Lunaluz

I forgot to finish off my post by saying to you that it is of the upmost importance to keep getting support from psychiatrists, psychologists and/or counsellors. If you end up not being satisfied with one or the other, seek out another one. I gave up on these support structures many, many years ago and I now I know it was a big mistake, as I have been seeing my psychiatrist for over 6 years now and during that time i have learnt so much and healed immensely... right down to my soul!

I wish you every best wish that I can...that you will heal your soul.

CKS

[Lunaluz]

Hello
I been thinking a lot about the responses you guys wrote on my forum, especially now that my life is changing very drastically and I can only thank you. It's has helped me a lot not feeling so alone, I struggle a lot still but hearing about other people that have gone through similar experiences and are indeed doing better makes me hopeful about my life.

I wish you guys to be happy and that regardless of whatever you have been through that life rewards you with the same kindness you had by responding on someone random teen's breakdown 🙂

[Croix]

Dear Lunaluz~

You are not "some random teen". You are a person with kindness who thinks of others, that is obvious in your post to us above.

You are worthy of friendship, no all would have freinds who would rally round as yours are doing.

You also have the wisdom to not remain with those that injure you, and the strength to distance them.

You deserve all the kindness, understanding and support you are given - and more.

I suspect becuse you see situations clearly and are taking steps of your own that you will come to terms with your conditon and go on to a happy and fruitful life, as I have

You know you are welcome here anytime

Croix