Moving on but feeling vulnerable

[Mum Chris]

Hi,

I am getting past my last big attack of ptsd and I’m not backed up into a corner emotionally and figuratively as I was before. I’m expressing myself better and wanting more out of life again. So all positive signs and took a lot of work too.

But I have a really strong feeling of loneliness and detachment from the world and everyone in it. I’m lonely when I go out when I’m home and I feel unwanted ignored and like I don’t belong. I suppose it’s not a new feeling but I don’t feel like I belong anywhere or even worse that no one wants me anywhere.
Im a pretender I work and shop and live but I don’t really feel that I’m valued or that people really don’t like me.
Is it self centred or self obsession or that I’m still always watching for danger and I’m on guard still.

thanks MC

[mmMekitty]

Hi MC, ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ Looks like you could use some.

Sometimes we struggle through the day, moving inspite of the lure of standing still. I know you know what is better for yourself, & as absurd as it seems, I think you know 'pretending & going through the motions, may be what you can do to: ***Break the cycle .. avoiding people you want & feel close to in your life will only make the feelings you are experiencing worse. When you look up & see no one ther, your feelings will only become worse. If you withdraw more, people will only seem more distant.... I think you can see this for yourself... ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ May I encourage you, with every bit of my heart. Here for you, with a little extra 💪strength to offer.😺

(now I've got some dumbbells & am making a few muscles 😺)

mmMekitty

[Croix]

Dear MC~

You asked "Is it self centered or self obsession or that I’m still always watching for danger and I’m on guard still. ?"

I'd suppose no, then yes, It's not being self centered, that implies selfishness and that's not you. Yes PTSD does -as you know - make a person react more as if things are threats.

So what threats?

It would be nice if we could balance the good people do us against the harm others do, and just as important have a clear assessment of each person. Sadly one's judgment is never, at least for me, that perfect and also harm seems to outweigh good. I would expect as you become less of a people pleaser and feel more entitled to equality that will turn some relationships sour.

So maybe the threat is that you have to rely upon judgment you do not have confidence in, and that your new found regard for self will turn more relationships sour than you anticipated.

On that basis withdrawal might be a reaction. fortunately not something I'd expect to last for ever. As you become more comfortable with a more caring circle and successfully distance yourself from those who took advantage or injured you by their selfishness then I'd expect you will regain that feeling of closeness. I went though something similar myself.

I'm glad your dog is a bit better, having it at elsewhere at night may be needed, but leaves one feeling a lack.

Croix

[Mum Chris]

Hi mmMekitty

Thank you for all the hearts. I’ve used most and stored some to chuck at my thoughts when the “I’m not good enough” comes into my brain and tries to block my happiness. Going through the motions is what I have now as my best defence. I do like to hide and skulk off and feel rejected and unloved and unliked.
I am alone a lot and 1 friend is travelling and I rarely see 1 friend she is too busy. I’m getting bad vibes from a woman at work I was trying to build a relationship with so I pulled back. I have a friend who is too available and can take all my time. I need to make new friends but where I will see if there are any community groups around that I like the look of.
I am a 100 times better than what I was and really making some changes in my life. I’m being consistent with food and getting a little exercise although I do need more effort there.

Are you doing actual dumbbells? I have a couple of sets and a exercise ball and I do a 23min set and it gets me sweating 😓

🦄🦄🦄 Hears some unicorns for some weekend fun.

MC

[Mum Chris]

Hi Croix

Thank you for your insight and I read yours and mmMekittys several times trying to absorb understand and see where they affect my current thinking.
The loss of people in my life has been dramatic. It actually started a couple of years ago but I was in the middle of the drama and danger so no new people were found. Then recently all I had to do was say something simple like that time doesn’t suit me and stop making the effort and then they are gone from my life. Occasionally 1 will contact me through her inbuilt sense of duty and I’m polite but not at her beckon call so she is gone from my life. I’m in contact via social media to old school friends and I now feel like I shouldn’t comment or communicate with them. Geographically I’m isolated from them and when I miss the reunions I get more and more isolated. I even feel bad wishing them happy birthday.
There’s no way I can meet people and build relationships because I’m so withdrawn and secretive now. I carry this massive shame and it’s my family is shattered and destroyed. I’m amazed by people that can say oh I’m estranged from my family and don’t feel shame.
In the street at the shops I am polite and quick to get in get what I need and get out. I’m still wobbly on my feet so I’m not able to defend myself physically.
I am setting out guidelines for what I want and need and life is on my terms. It’s easy when you are on your own but when others are around it’s a lot harder.

I have realised I can’t handle feedback at work and make it into a full on attack and danger. I’m like that in my personal life too and have married a man that doesn’t criticise me at all.
My psychologist thinks the work thing is something to understand and he thinks it’s from childhood dynamics and we are going to investigate. Oh Joy#

I hope the withdrawal reaction is short lived and I can shake this feeling of detachment soon. I feel very detached from the world

My big doggo is much better and is at the foot of my bed most nights and he wonders back to his special bed too. It was like he had a mental and physical breakdown and couldn’t function anymore. After tender loving care he’s so much better.

All the best MC

[mmMekitty]

Hi MC,

Why shame? I don't understand - you have done your best with what you had , & continue to do your best with what you have now. I don't think you set out to deliberately form & bust up a family.

I want to think some more about this business of feeling shame. Where have I felt this before? & why?

As far as I can see, you have no justifiable reason for either guilt or shame.

& if you were to return with a list of reasons, I'll get cranky, because it would appear you are trying to defend having & keeping these feelings. I think, MC, far better to challenge such self-punishing feelings.

*

When I was speaking to the Physio at the hospital, she showed me a few exercises I could do holding something like water bottles or tins of food, but I thought, given how my right wrist hurts with what I am sure is arthritis, when I am holding something as thick as that, such as my coffee bottle, I have bought dumbbells from KMart. They have a heavy feel like lead, with a closely fited rubbery coating, which is textured so they do not slip around. I can get my hands around the central area quite easily. I had first bought a [ pair of 1kg dumbbells, & now have also a pair of 2kg dumbbells.

I doubt I would get into barbells...but who knows? I used to enjoy watching the Olympic weightlifting competitions. Those bodies did nothing for me, though💪😼. I'd not want to ever do something which would effect my body so much. I wonder how the sports, taken to that level, effect their bodies, not just what we see, but internally, too.

mmMekitty

[Mum Chris]

Hi mmMekitty

Why do I feel shame could be because I take on everything as my responsibility. All things fall on my shoulders. Or being brought up in a house with secrets and the most important thing was that the world thought we were a great family.
One of the things that brought me to my knees back in therapy and in desperation to this forum.
I wanted to create my very own happy family and I chose a bad person to do it with and I’m still cleaning up his mess. This I understand but I have the childhood conditioning that no one must know.
I am trying to be true to myself and be happy and have a good day each day. I worked in the garden today with some help. The yard is still a mess but there’s flowers and herbs and my plan is to keep adding beauty till you can’t see the tree stumps and crooked garden edge.

I love Kmart weights and I got excited and bought some 6 kg. I use the 2kg mostly when I get to it. I’ve been slack.

I bought some potted herbs too including mint. Hopefully they grow and take over garden and lawn. It’s hard soil here so they usually struggle to grow at all.

I keep my negative thoughts quiet and I don’t let them out. Just maybe on here and to my psychologist. My loved ones can’t handle it and get very stressed and angry at me.

I spoke to grandkids today and am planning another visit. I’ve decorated their room with more mature stuff. All baby things gone. I can’t wait for them to see it.

I think about us relocating but they are my anchor. I will need to when I retire move away but for now I’m not going anywhere.

Wishing you a good week ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️
MC

[Croix]

Dear MC~

I'm glad Doggo is closer again, I would be lost without Sumo and Foxy, and in the past all their predecessors. Pets can, for me, help turn as house into a home (as can non-critical partners 🙂

I'm lucky, Mrs C and I tend not to criticize each other at all, partly because there is little to criticize (with Mrs C any way:) and partly becuse in the overall scheme of things criticism is a negative neither of us want (yes we are human, not paragons of virtue, and do argue from time ot time - but it is restrained)

So I can understand criticism at work, it can so easily be seen as a threat, after all CPTSD ramps up the flight/fight/etc state of readiness all the time and it is not something that goes away that quickly -but it really does go, at least in my case.

You mentioned feeling isolated or alone. Perhaps if you look at it this way; now that you are putting your own welfare on an equal level wiht those that simply took it as granted you were there to serve them they have melted away.

They never were there with you, not friends, not family (in the best sense), not seeing you as a full person in your own right. All they were was alien figures in the same room. You were just as alone. Now you have the clarity to see the room was always empty.

With a ramped up defensiveness of course it is harder to make new relationships - something the cannot really be rushed runaway. Still it is possible, and can sneak up on one in a most pleasant and unexpected way at times.

It took me a long time to get those I was comfortable with and had confidence in. Even now that is a very small group, but it is enough. I suspect your husband, whatever his faults, is part of that group for you right now.

Shame: to risk a pun it is a shame. A combination of false expectations in oneself and abuse and judgment from others makes humans feel shame, no matter how silly and undeserved. The only remedies I know are time - and anger.

I hope your little anchors are please wiht the transformation of their room to a more adult theme. Actually my experience as a kid, then a parent/grandparent is that kids have more mature thoughts and outlook that I ever expected.

Your gardening sounds a restful pastime

Croix

[Mum Chris]

Hi Croix

Yes it’s very true that I had people around me but they were not there for me. I can’t imagine going back to the way it was it was a anxious place. I had multiple things to do and was under stress constantly. I don’t have people to talk to just a very small few that are my ATeam and yes hubby is there.

I’m shopping for me now getting things I need and things I want. Need to put myself out there and see if I can make some new contacts. Seeing a friend this week but she’s a very occasional friend not someone I can call for a chat. She’s busy and struggling but we are close and share deep secrets.

My health restricts me and I think I like that I have a real reason can’t go here or there. I’m working on that I’m getting fitter and healing from my injury.

It’s very hard to make new friends and I have neglected the ones I did have refusing to go anywhere or venture out away from my home.

Im glad this all will improve because it’s very uncomfortable now.

The healthy me was out and about and fearless and I made my opinion known. I’d worked hard to get to that place and when I lost me again and became the backed into the corner person afraid of every noise I thought my recovery had been a lie and a trick I played on myself.

Croix it’s the silence I hear now and having nothing expected of me. That brings up isolation feelings maybe. I’m free to do or not do and that truly is new for me. I can go sit in a chair and veg and if it’s dinner time I can just relax food will happen. Seeing psychologist sometimes shakes up feelings because I turn up feeling ok a bit better and there’s always tears and truth comes out. Erk

The feeling of being an outsider looking in at people and how they function and aren’t being hurt makes me wish I had that. I know the ones that are gone did not love me or care for me they judged me and even hated me. I was there to be lied to and used and when I said enough then hurt. I truly understand the dynamics of why they do it. Many years ago when I had therapy it was hard for me to understand how people can be so vicious and they must have not known the harm they caused. This time when the police said perpetrator it was like a smack in my face. It woke me up, they are not sick not confused but perpetrators.it put me in the darkest place but I survived and I’m starting to see how numb I am.

MC

[Croix]

Dear MC~

All I can say is that having faith in yourself will work out . You are intelligent and perceptive and can mostly see things as they are. For instance you can see those that used to use you, however you do - as far as I can understand - have blind spot.

You cannot realy accept you are strong, you are a person others will be drawn to with genuine liking, and you do not need a physical excuse not to occasionally reach out. You have the wisdom of past experience and will know if people are genuine and not users.

I doubt you are realy numb, just have not had the opportunity to feel as you should. I'm sure your hubby will raise some feelings - true? It is after all a whole new world for you.

Frankly I think the very hard part is over, you actually realise you were allowing yourself to be used by all and sundry. Now you realise how bad that was for you. So it is only a question of finding in your new life what you are comfortable with - it will happen by stages I'm sure.

Even in that silence you talk about I'd guess things are expected of you - you do not live in isolation. It's not a bad thing. I'm sure your hubby has expectation, even if unvoiced. To be loved, to care. Even if simply understood.

Be glad you can fulfill those. It is really a gift.

I'm not sure the above makes sense to you, the short summary is you are well on the way.

Croix