Lost

[Camille_Lion]

Hi

I’m a newbie to this. Feeling pretty lost and wondering if people can help with ways to move through PTSD. I’ve spent a few cat lives in the past and been through all sorts of pretty serious stuff but nothing like PTSD. I thought with my past that I was very resilient and I have been, but this condition has knocked my socks off. Hearing people say get back just angers me. Basically I’m frustrated with myself and feeling crappy. I get that I’ll continue to have the symptoms for who knows how long but it’s so exhausting. Flashbacks, nightmares, flinching and reacting to movies/shows (that’s if I can focus enough to watch one), letting people down, missing major events like weddings/significant birthdays, can’t shop without headphones and support most of the time. But then, some days feeling completely normal for a while and wondering why I’m not back at work (knowing in the background I can’t handle pressure for panic attacks which are crippling). I’d like to draw on people for ways to get through it. Already have regular psychiatrist who is awesome, counsellor, awesome friends and family. Reading self help books and doing yoga, long stitch, gardening. Why won’t it just get better and:or go away. Feeling exhausted and fed up.

[Croix]

Dear Camille Lion~

I am not surprised you are exhausted and fed up. At the moment your symptoms are in partly control and leave you feeling helpless. I was invalided out from the police with PTSD, depression and anxiety. All this eats energy, it is taxing and as you say exhausting. As well depression tries to tell you it is never gong to change.

Actually it does get better. You already have days where you feel OK, they will multiply over time and your symptoms will become more manageable and have less force. Why do I say this? Because that is my experience.

Therapy of the right sort, medications, a medical professional you can trust and if you are as lucky as me a partner who came to understand it was not partly her fault, and became the solid loving object that helped (and did most of the work).

My thoughts and nightmares are still there, but weak, manageable. Similarly I cope with things I know may set me off and avoid them as best I can - this is a help, but there is too much that is unpredictable in movies, TV etc to avoid the lot. If I have to leave a movie half way though crying I do, the tears soon dry and my partner understands.

Do you have someone in your life like that?

Focusing on movies and concentration. They come back too. I was an avid reader before I became ill, and after was basically not able to read a sentence, let alone a page. I was given adolescent fantasy books to try. Fortunately they were written in an amusing way with a pun or play on words scattered all the way though. This promoted my interest and with practice I'm now back to the speed of reading I had before, though my tastes have changed, now it has to have a happy ending, no exceptions.

Memory, forgetting appointments, birthdays and all the rest, well the smartphone is your friend, on a good day cram it all in the calendar and set it to remind you as you need, then keep on updating. It is your friend in another way too, with music, podcasts and eBooks all available to you at any place at all, from a doctors waiting room to the middle of the night.

You sound well set up, with medical support and yoga plus hobbies. That's pretty good. When you can spoil yourself, doing that will help you remember you are a deserving person like all others. I've found exercise in the form of walks to be of great benefit in the past, moving the body, changing the scene, talking to random people, it all helped.

I was a total mess and am now in a very good place, if I can I'm sure you can

Croix

[Camille_Lion]

A lot has happened since my first post. I spent 7 weeks in a mental health facility. I've undergone EMDR (still undertaking it fortnightly) and continue to see the psychiatrist monthly. I find myself back here though because I don't think what I have tried to date is helping. My partner who was and still is my rock was diagnosed with terminal cancer while I was in the mental health hospital. Since discharge mid-year he & I spend days helping each other. He's very positive which helps me. He is very supportive especially with my nightmares and depression days/events. I have just been signed off from returning to my career which I've worked very hard for last 20 years. The bank is helping with hardship but that will end April 22. I really just don't know what I can do. Some days I can't get out of bed, some I feel fine. In the background I feel at fault for my condition and helpless. I try not to cry in front of my partner and daughter. I watch my peers/friends moving forward in their lives and I feel frozen in mine. Support groups seem to all be for PTSD partners not survivors (except veterans) and what I can find is more than 30kms away which I cant go to because I cant travel that far. Feeling a bit lost still.

[Croix]

Dear Camille Lion~

Welcome back, I'm sorry it is not under happier circumstances.

I guess the first thing that stands out is that your EMDR treatment and psych visits do not seem to be effective, after all you know how you have been feeling, and can judge that for yourself.

Do you think it is worth talking to your medical team and see if there are other alternatives? I found I was too inclined simply to go on which whatever treatment was current, and not question things as much as I might.

Life is certainly dealing you a great number of heavy blows, your partner, the end of your job, finances and all the rest. It is only natural you have nighmares, depression, be unable to face days at times nad blame yourself - I have no idea why that self-blame happens, I had it as do may others. I think it is part of being hume -and of course totally wrong. A bit like blaming yourself if someone else carlessley causes an accident in which oyu were hurt.

[Croix]

Sorry, that first half posted itself unexpectedly -typos and all

Anyway what I'm trying to say is with all the horrible things happening around you it really does mean you need some respite where you mind can dwell on other things. My method was to have something nice each evening , and look forward to it during hte day. The sorts of things I found took me away from troubles for an hour or two would probably not be hte same as yours

Do you have any suggestions?

I'd imagine your partner would be in distress too, worried about you, frustrated at not being able to fix things for you, plus of course his own illness. It might be he too needs support and respite as well, may I ask if he is being given persona as well as medical aid?

Can I also ask how oyur daughter is taking things?

I know I"m not addressing your very real problems, but gong off on a seeming side-track of your, and your partner and daughter's care and support. Really though they are the things that get you though and able to deal with adversity.

I hope we can talk some more.

Croix