Losing faith and hope in the world

[Hope3110]

Hi there, I am really struggling at the moment. It almost feels like I’m drowning. The last 3 months have been horrendous for me. (I’ve had a horrendous life thus far, with psychical abuse, sexual abuse, trauma) but recently I feel like it’s the worst it’s ever been. My mum got diagnosed with a terminal illness, and I am a carer for her. Then my Aunty committed suicide a few days after her diagnosis. Then recently my grandfather passed away and he used to abuse me, and I had to plan his funeral and it got on top of me. Then recently I found out my brother has relapsed and had ice induced psychosis episode. I am finding it tough with everything going on every day. I find it hard with my partner because he’s got so much going on in his own life. I feel really lonely and struggling. I feel like I can’t catch a break. I work part time as a manager but I am struggling with that, as my boss is always fighting with head office, and vice versa. I just feel like I try to get it through it all but it just gets harder. I see a psychologist and my GP regularly and take medication for my anxiety. But it’s just something happens everyday and I feel like I’m drowning. And then this last week I’ve drank quite a bit and made myself sick. Just trying to escape. I can’t meditate as my mind wanders off. I just want a normal life. I want my mum to be around for my 30th, I want her to be around for all the big life events. They gave her 12-15 months and that was 3 months ago. But she’s not responding to treatment either and the tumour has grown. I had to plan her wedding to my step father and that was yesterday and it’s just sooooo much I’ve had to do. And I just think what can I do to get through all of this. In a safe way. Where I’m not burnt out and not exhausted and angry and hurt. Sorry this is probably just a huge rant. I don’t even know what I’m asking for.

[Soberlicious96]

Dear Hope 3110,

Welcome to Beyond Blue and well done for reaching out.

I must say though, that upon reading you post I thought "Wow. No wonder you feel so overwhelmed and lost." You have SO MUCH going on, and none of it sounds any fun at all.

When I read that you "see a psychologist and my GP regularly and take medication for my anxiety" I thought 'thank goodness for that'. At least you are getting some support.

And I know you've probably heard it said before 'A problem shared is a problem halved', so my suggestion would be to keep getting the support you have, keep taking your meds, and if you want, keep coming back here to vent for as much and as often as you like. We're here to listen and support you in this time of need. sometimes, being able to share in an anonymous format like this can help in quite a unique way because it's almost like the anonymity of an online forum like this is a 'buffer' between the reality of every day life, and our own personal lives.

There's a lot to be said too for taking life in tiny little chunks. Next time you feel yourself getting overwhelmed, give yourself permission, and tell yourself that right now, this minute, you will only deal with one issue at a time. Take things an hour at a time if need be. But try not to allow your mind to become crowded in with everything.

For example, when I first got sober and all my own childhood trauma came up and I too had heaps going on, a friend told me that the way to deal with one thing at a time, was to say it out aloud. So if I was getting tea ready, I would be peeling the potatoes and be saying "Right now, I'm jsut peeling the potatoes. That's all. Just the spuds. No more, no less." And then, when I put the sausages on, same thing .........

It may seem a bit silly or pedantic even, but it's a way of training your mind to be more focused on just one thing, rather than everything. Because as you (and I) know, everything is just too much.

Anyway, I don't if that helps or not. I hope it does. And remember, BB is 'open' 24/7, so you can come back here as much as you like. Take care. And know that you've been heard and that I'll be thinking of you. xo