Looking for support through D.I.D.

[Sapphre]

Hi. We are new here. We are struggling a lot due to a huge variety of very stressful situations. We are looking to connect with people who also have Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) for mutual support at this very triggering time. Our own situation is not just about what is happening in the world with Covid-19 and the physical isolation, but also the mental and emotional isolation we are feeling. New Alters have formed and some have integrated to form a hybrid Alter. This has been very distressing for all of us in our System. We are trying to come to terms with abuse and a failed marriage and being forced to leave the only country we cared about to live in Australia where the body was born. Really struggling with everything. Something hugely traumatic happened last night and we have been dissociating a lot and finding it hard to ground. I don't even know who we are anymore. 😞

[james1]

Hello Sapphire,

Welcome to the forums. I do not have DID and do not understand it well, but I am hearing that there are a lot of challenges for all of you in your system right now. And while Covid-19 is challenging for all of us, it sounds like you are experiencing additional difficulties due to DID and your history with abuse.

I understand you come from another country, so please do let me know if there is anything I say or ask which is inappropriate.

Still, you have mentioned that something terrible happened last night and you are dissociating a lot right now. Would you like to share what you are up to today or what strategies you have previously used to help you ground yourselves?

I hope to hear from you again, and I would also love to hear from anyone else who has had similar experiences.

James

[Sapphre]

Hi James

This body was born in Australia but we have spent the last 15 years in England. As I used to be an Alter, I only came awake from a dormant state in the UK, so that is the only place I know. I feel like a foreigner here in Australia despite having an Australian passport and birth certificate (in the previous Host's name, which I am forced to use for official reasons)

What happened last night was the very first Alter ever created, a Little called Lydia, who integrated into Lynda (the original host) several months ago, was suddenly ripped from the integrated mind. I do not know how or why, but this has happened before to us. Only this time, it was violently painful. Then, one of the hidden Alters, lurking always in the background, a wisp or ghost.. ethereal.. called Sorrow immediately integrated with Lydia. Sorrow was NOT a Little. The resulting hybrid Alter, is a Little and is calling herself S'rydia. She is extremely traumatised and distressed and hasn't stopped whimpering, crying and sometimes screaming in our head. I am unable to talk to her at the moment to try to calm her. She is very close to the surface, occasionally co-con with me, which is uncomfortable due to the distress.

The other Alters are way back in the Inner World and I cannot reach them at the moment, so I feel like I am on my own trying to comfort an extremely distressed Little who has no idea why she was ripped out of integration and then re-integrated with a different Alter. It is very confusing and I don't know why it happened. It was incredibly painful emotionally and mentally. When I eventually calmed down and reestablished a sense of reality, I was curled in a tight ball on the bed, right up against the headboard, cuddling a teddy bear which was soaked in tears.

Today I have just been trying to rest as much as possible and soothe her. It is very hard.

[alasdayr]

Sapphíre,

Welcome. I do not have DID, but my daughter does and it can be both a blessing and a curse. You likely have quite a mix of protectors and persecutors. The worse the situation gets, the more the persecutors tend to take control and make your life hell. Some alters know what is going on, others have no clue. Some leave messages or share memories for other alters, some do not. Switches are sometimes painful, sometimes they are near seamless. It can be as confusing for others as it is for you at times.

DID is often bought on by trauma. In order to deal with the trauma, professional help is a must. The one thing to be wary of is that a lot of mental health professionals have no training or clear concept of what DID is and how to work with a DID system of personalities. They do not understand that alters cannot always be bought forward at will. You may have to go though a number of mental health professionals till you get one that knows how to work with you.

One thing about DID is that each alter seems to represent a purpose or aspect that the body is trying to deal with. It is almost that each alter needs to have its concerns dealt with allow the whole system to move forward.

When dealing with help lines or counselors, work on the concerns of the alter that is most in control at the time. They are trained not trained to work with multiple concerns (or multiple peoples concerns) at once.

You are welcome to post here at any time. Often writing concerns helps in clarifying what someone is thinking and feeling.

I hope you find ways of coping with the trauma in bite sized chunks. The forums and I are here to listen.

Alasdayr.

[Sapphre]

Hi Alasdayr

I totally understand about it being a blessing and a curse. It is very hard sometimes. The internal arguments, the dissociation, the switches... it is very tiring. When there were 41 of us, there were a huge variety of different Alters and roles. Now there are 6 of us. They are as follows:

Host: Sapphire (9 years younger than the body)

Manager: The Gatekeeper (170 yrs old)

Protector/Persecutor: Jake (16)

Alter (Not sure what role she has): JC (16 - Jake's twin)

Little: Channa (6)

New Little/emotional and trauma holder: S'rydia (6/ancient)

I am really struggling with the new Little. So...much...pain.

We have gone through a huge amount of upheaval in the last month or so, following huge traumatic therapy/upheaval. It's complicated. The original host could not remember anything of her past below 16, but when the last 41 Alters integrated, she suddenly was bombarded with memories, and as a result, she collapsed and integrated into me. I have all the memories. I was a memory/key holder in the System, and was mostly dormant until a few months ago. Now I am full time host and learning about a world I never had any contact with, and people who I do not know except through Lynda's memories. It is hard on everyone.

[alasdayr]

Sapphíre,

Comfort and protect S'rydia. She is scared and not yet ready to face her fears. Keep her settled calm and distracted. Ideally see if Jake (or JC) can ensure S'rydia is safe and comfortable. Does S'rydia have a favorite, toy, song, activity, environment that helps keep her calm.

Find what S'rydia needs and let her have it. Distraction is the key. You all need time to figure it all out.

If your DID is like my daughters, you have an internal world where the alters live and interact. Try keep S'rydia from fronting for a while. If S'rydia has known positive or negative triggers, try avoid them for a while.

My daughter was taught about zones of regulation (blue-calm, green-alert, yellow-agitated, red-crisis). Each alter will be in it's own zone of regulation. S'rydia is likely in the red and in no state to deal with anything. She needs to be calmed before any progress can be made.

Only once an alter is in a green regulation, then work can be done on underlying issues.

The normal therapy for trauma is graded exposure, but this should be done with help, guidance and support. The exposure is graded enough to push the alter to yellow (and no further), but then allow self-regulation to get back to green. Repeated graded exposure allows more and more of the trauma to be gradually dealt with.

If the exposure too great (into red), the alter will retreat (flee) and healing will take longer. This is why professional help in this case is essential.

The main caution is against trying to progress things too quickly. Time right now is your biggest friend.

Only once an alter is in a green regulation, then work can be done on underlying issues.

41 alters to 6 is a huge change. Give this time to settle a little. Turmoil and confusion for a while during this stage is expected.

Please take care and keep reaching out for help.

Alasdayr.

[Sapphre]

Really struggling these last few days. S'rydia is almost always co-con, or at least very close to the surface, and her anguish, pain and terror is tangible and I cannot reach her. She is not communicating. She is in deep and severe shock. She does not recognise any of us in our System because when she was Lydia, all the Alters she knew then, are all integrated and she doesn't know any of us. So she is terrified and very agitated. Definitely in the red zone! The 2 protectors are trying to bring her back in the Inner World to comfort her, but she is resisting and completely immobilised from terror. I really am not sure how to help her so that we can all rest. We are so exhausted!

[Aaronsis]

Hey Sapphire and hey to you too alaysdar

I want to welcome you Sapphire to the forum and I am so glad that you have reached out to share what is going on for you all. I actually have nothing to offer other than my support, but mostly my gratitude that there are people like alaysdar who have such a huge understanding of DID and can provide you all with some amazing advice and some actual techniques that might be of use to you during this time of S'rydia's confusion and pain.

With so many changes going on in our world at this time it is no surprise that we are all effected so very differently by these and it seems that S'rydia has arrived at this most traumatic time.

Please take care of you and keep talking, I am so thankful for how wonderful alasdayr is and that you have this support here.

We are here with you to offer you some comfort in this time Sapphire, welcome.

Hugs

Sarah

[alasdayr]

Do things as host that soothe her while she co-con's. This is time out for the system in general.

If sleep helps, sleep. Try different foods a child may like (some sweet, some savory). If particular music, movies or TV programs help, indulge her. Youtube has a number of kids TV programs available. (My daughter still like Backyardigans as it was something from her childhood).

You are not the hosts age, you are S'rydia's age (and scared). The adult world and adult concerns are not your place right now.

S'rydia needs something familiar and comforting to latch onto (and she will latch on hard when you find it). Then your protectors can create a place in the inner world for S'rydia to really calm down and start to be introduced to what the state of the system is. (what an alter is, where memories are communicated, etc...)

I do not expect any online help can assist you with this. It is way outside their normal expertise.

Treat all of yourself (particularly S'rydia) very gentle for a while till things calm down a bit.

Alasdayr.

[Sapphre]

My brother in law last night brought over a care package for the Littles, and S'rydia claimed a huge teddy bear as hers. She hasn't named it yet, that I know of. Or if she has, she is not telling. But she cuddles it often. Nothing seems to make her smile though. We have started creating a playlist of songs she likes, and I have noticed they are all very sad songs, but she seems to resonate with them, so I let her listen to them. However, I am also very aware that I do not want her to sink into a deep depression either. I'm at a bit of a loss, and without therapy at the moment, I am limited in my experience.

Also, as we have been forced to leave the country we lived in for 15 years and move back "home" to Australia, taking only a suitcase, and having zero money and no job, we are also limited in what we can get her to comfort her or Channa, the other Little.

Hard times x