Just diagnosed Complex PTSD

[Malen]

I was diagnosed with Complex PTSD today, on top of BP2 w/psychotic features, Anxiety, OCD and Depression. I dont completely understand the diagnosis. I do know it from being physically abused on a pretty much daily basis by the guys at school, pretty much from early primary to the last day of year 12. The farewell gift I received from one of my bullies was to fly kick me to the head knocking me out. I told my parents, I told the school, I told anyone who would listen but no one did or was able to do anything about it.

My home life was strict, very religious. We had church people over what feels like every night, from an early age I became the coffee maker for all these guests. I became a complete loner and my music tastes changed to metal, which was not well recieved in a strict religious house. 

I was forced to study music at school so I chose guitar, was never very good. I also had to do piano for a number of years, which I was even worse at. I had to study math and English through out. I was good at math but in Year 12 I needed a tutor for English.

Mum was very controlling growing up but also, I would say aggressive. There were outbursts if she didnt get her way. Her and Dad would fight more than I would think was normal, not physical though. Mum did suffer from Depression and spent quite a time away in a facility when I was in year 7, I didnt understand the before this or why she had been taken away.

So school I was abused and at home I wasnt safe and couldnt be myself regardless. Ive never felt like I could be myself, other than the time I lived alone. Now days Im not even sure if I would know how to be who I am or who I actually am to begin with

[Croix]

Dear Malen~

Discovering who you are is something -for me at least - is something that sneaks up on you over time and it is only when you take stock you get an inkling.

OK, you are person who knows it is good to ask for help or at leat the opinions and experiences of others. Too many people eihter sit quiet, or the reverse and think they know everything.

You have physical pain to cope with and all the effects of your past life experiences. However you still have the ability to see your circumstances and other people with clarity

Perhaps one of the most important things is a kind nature, looking after your sister. You did this at great peronal cost to yourself as you reacted to the situation, but kept going

OK, I've come up wiht three attributes - and they are good ones to have, what examples can you think of?

Croix

[Malen]

I cant think of one single redeeming quality for myself, even the ones listed I find hard to agree with. I just offered that if my sister wanted me to come to meetings I could, she said whats the point your stoned off your face (pain meds) and you couldnt walk in anyhow. So I have completely let her down because of my condition. I cant help around the house, Im in too much pain or too off my face to be of any benefit

Now Im stuuck reliving my childhood, reevaluating my relationship with my Mum and just getting more depressed. 

I suppose Ill always be nice to others, my problems are not their fault and being nice is easier for me than to be cruel. Again prob a Mum thing, I learnt at a young age to be nice and pleasant even if the person you are speaking to is being a bitch. Though I have my limits now days

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Malen

A resource that may be helpful to you regarding complex PTSD is The Blue Knot Foundation: blueknot.org.au  They specialise in providing info and support on complex trauma. They have a helpline if you ever want to speak to someone which is 1300 657 380 (9-5pm Eastern states time, 7 days a week).

As much as you may feel you have no redeeming qualities, I’m sure this is not true but is a very common thing to feel if you’ve got complex PTSD and have been exposed to a lot of bullying behaviours, judgement and criticism over the years. I think chronic pain and complex trauma often go hand-in-hand too. You’ve had a rough time.

The being nice to others was also my adaptation. I have C-PTSD as well. It often feels safer initially, but over time it can really erode your health and well being if you keep being overly nice to people who are not treating you well.

On this topic I can recommend reading Pete Walker’s book “Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving”. As well as the fight-or-flight and freeze responses, he talks about the fawn response. This is what a person with complex PTSD often does to avoid further abuse, maltreatment etc. They will go out of their way to please and appease those who are not treating them well as a way of trying to avoid further poor treatment. It’s a way of trying to stay safe.

I’m quite a bit older than you (late 40s) and I’ve finally really started to grasp in the past few years the necessity to prioritise my own needs. This is so important for you too. You don’t have to be cruel vs nice, as you juxtapose it. Rather, you can be assertive - being kind to yourself while still respecting others. You can develop healthy boundaries. It’s especially challenging to learn these skills when navigating complex trauma, but it is possible.

 I’m guessing you currently have some therapeutic support given your diagnoses. I hope you can find some strategies that help you.

 I would strongly encourage you not to feel you have completely let your Mum down. This was precisely the dynamic I ended up in with my Mum who blamed me for her osteoarthritis and that I was responsible for making it better, among other things. That is an irrational imposition of blame on you that you don’t have to carry. You are your own person and with the right support you can find your own identity and live a good life.

[Croix]

Dear Malen~

Um

"So I have completely let her down because of my condition."  I think the truth is your condition has let you down and not allowed you to live a better life or help your sister. The thought to help her was from you, the inability wasn't.

Eagle Ray has talked a lot of sense and I agree with what they said.

I'm not sure one can ever come completely to terms wiht a parent such as your mother. Allowed you to be bullied at school and was aggressive and domineering and accepted her own way as an entitlement and was furious when she did not have it.

That is not a person who cherishes their child -which all parents need to do, as in the same way all children need to be cherished.

I too would hope that you have professional help that concentrates on giving you the techniques to control how you feel and how you react to things and helps you to see yourself as courageous, not someone at fault.

Croix

[Malen]

I moved out 20 years ago but had to move back after 10 years when I was dignosed with BP2 with psychotic features. Initially I moved into one of their properties nearby but couldnt handle it and had to move back with the family. Everything was with conditions

They've bailed me out a number of times again with conditions,  I was indebted financially and in  other ways

Ive changed a lot in the last few years. Stuff that Mum would demand of me I just dont do, like pick stuff up from Buy Swap Sell. Recently I have had to wake her up at 10am everyday for sometime. I brought this to an end in past couple days. Things like that plus I dont take shit from her anymore. Im just not scared of her anymore, like what is she going to do, what is she going to withhold and if she tries to be abusive I am quite happy to shout back and stop her from hitting me. We had a shouting match over zooper doopers not long ago and I just said I wasnt backing down. She threatened me but it just didnt faze me.

Thanks for the resources gonna call them today and have a chat

[Malen]

Im getting professional help. Once the report is submitted will get a ongoing psychiatrist. The report will also include a psychologist to see that will be able to address my conditions. 

With all my conditions I feel like my mind and body have let me down. I cant say I have looked after it well over the years but it should be able to handle what Ive thrown at it. Like I had very manual work growing up and it should have just been ok with that but as Ive aged its shown. I get very angry with my body and mind being so disabled. I feel like I should just push through and do what needs to be done

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Malen

I’m so glad you are getting some help. I pushed through for years until it finally caught up with me with an autoimmune disease that had some potentially serious consequences. My body forced me to stop completely and I’m now slowly healing. So my advice would be to really listen to your body and not work against it. If anything it starts to fail you in order to try and slow you down, so it’s trying to help you in a way. It’s like it’s saying I need for you to pay attention and take care of me. This is where self-care comes in which is something those of us with complex trauma often only start to learn how to do as an adult.

There’s some threads in the Staying Well section of this forum that may be helpful in relation to self-care. All the very best and it sounds like you are beginning to set some boundaries and limits around how others such as your mother treat you and that is great. Take care and wishing you well.

[Malen]

The more this has played on my mind the more of my childhood Im rehashing and realising wasnt ideal. Things like Mum counting to 5 on her fingers on one hand, you had up to the fifth finger to stop what you were doing, if you didnt she did, would come and hit you and go back to what she was doing. As early on in the piece that I could I became the person who  made guests tea and coffee, no matter how many people were involved. It wasnt like meet and greet, catch up, even if family friends, relations ect or what I was doing, guests, make coffee and often then told to bugger off because the grown ups were talking. I was quite mature for my age, grown ups were my age group but I was pushed to the side. 

The house was to be perfect at all times, I remember Mum cleaning up my Lego while I was playing with it. 
My sister was the star of the show, she would show off etc. Id be doing things and my sister would be acting like a little sh*t. 
Mum threatened a lot, I was a good boy I was obedient and docile but Mum still threatened. Mum as far as I can remember never sat down and discussed something, she was far quicker to threaten or get the wooden spoon to impose her will rather than discuss why

Mum was always on at Dad to "deal with the children" as Ive now learnt he didnt because he thought we were just being kids and didnt need dicipline.

The way I remember Mum interacting with me at least was very negative, very forceful, that I was not an equal I was just a kid and meant nothing, to an extent how she treats me now, I just not so docile anymore

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Malen,

Sometimes we are raised by parents who are not really mature adults in their behaviour. One pattern they can have is to make one child a scapegoat, who gets criticised and blamed a lot, and another child the golden child, who gets preferential treatment. It sounds like this may have been the pattern in your family. I can relate as I was the scapegoat in my family. Over time I think it is possible to grow the self-worth that was denied to you as a child. That's something you can definitely work on with your psychiatrist and psychologist. It sounds like you are already building up self-worth in terms of developing boundaries around how you are prepared to be treated. It's like you learn how to give yourself the love and support you didn't get.

The scapegoated child often seems to be the one given responsibilities too, as you were as the tea and coffee maker, while the other child does whatever they want. I remember being the tea and coffee maker too and taking on household chores from a very young age while my sibling did whatever he wanted. I've gradually had to learn that my existence is not based on serving others. I've found it very challenging learning how to think of my own needs at all. So I'd really encourage you to reflect on prioritising your own needs. Perhaps even write them down. What do you want from life? What do you enjoy doing? What lifts your spirits and makes you happy? Hone in on those things and see if you can find ways to follow your dreams. This is the challenge I am embarking on also, which can feel a bit scary at first when you are not used to choosing what you really want for yourself, but I think it can be very empowering and life enriching once you start living truly for yourself, perhaps for the first time in life. That doesn't stop you caring for others, but it does mean you are now valuing and loving yourself, which is so important.