I want to be normal, whatever that is

[Living57]

I'm so fed up. So tired, mentally, physically and emotionally. I dread going to bed at night and then the thought of another day, OMG and the thought of more of the same. I exist and go through the motions, its not living though.
I have limited family near me and only one true friend. They ask how I am and its easiest just to say I'm fine, everything's okay. Nobody really wants to know the inner struggle and I find it hard to discuss my problems for fear of bring told to get over it, how I wish I could, or you've got so much to live for and comments like that. When I hear those things I clam up even more.
I live alone which, when I'm like this is probably a good thing. I can be my real self with my feelings and not have to pretend all is good with my world.
I try to see all the things around me, the people, nature, the sky, the sunrise and sunset as positives, but when my world is black and threatening its so hard to do.
Its got worse this week with police calling to ask questions about my sexual assault after months of nothing. Its just triggered me again, the flashbacks and nightmares have never gone away and now they're worse and I'm reliving the assault.
I have complex mental health issues including CPTSD, anxiety, depression and other health problems and I see my doctor and psychiatrist regularly but even with the medication and talking it doesn't seem to be helping right now. Im hardly sleeping and rarely eat...when I do I get nauseous and feel like vomiting.
I cry until I think I have no tears but they come back again.
I scream in my head so no one can hear me.

I really don't know how I can keep going.
Its not that I want to die, but I think about it a lot, I just don't want to keep living like this. I want to be normal, whatever that is.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Living57,

We can hear you’re really going through it right now. Things must be really difficult to cope with, and it's important you can talk and release some of this frustration this causes. We're glad you shared this here, and we hope it helps you to work through what you’re feeling. We hope you find some comfort in sharing this, we hope you’ll hear from others who have some idea of what you’re going through.

We’re glad to hear you’re seeing your GP and psychiatrist regularly. We hope you’ve been able to let them know this a particularly difficult time for you with the triggering actions of the police. We can hear that you may not feel like talking right now, but do please know that you can get in touch with our counsellors at any time, on 1300 22 4636, or via our webchat or email here. It can make a real difference having someone to talk to especially in moments of distress. 

You could also make contact with Blue Knot on 1300 657 380 (Monday – Sunday between 9am - 5pm AEST). They also have some resources on their website which could be useful to visit, particularly the pages on Survivors Self Care. 

We can hear you’re feeling like talking isn’t helping right now, but it’s really important you have options for who you can reach out to when you’re feeling low. You mentioned feeling like you don’t want to keep living like this, is this something you’ve been able to discuss with your GP or psychiatrist?

You may wish to check out our Beyond Now suicide safety planning app, here.
You can call Lifeline on 13 11 14 and complete it with one of their counsellors over the phone.
 
Thank you again for your courage and strength in sharing your story. Feel free to keep sharing, here on your thread. Hopefully, our kind community will be here to offer their support and understanding soon.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[mmMekitty]

Hello Living57

I see you are going through some really tough times. I haven't experienced exactly what you have, but some of the things you are experiencing right now are so familiar to me.

I've heard those same words, about how the sky is blue, so what do you have to be sad about & how there are so many people with worst problems. Sometimes, I am sure this is how people are telling me they don't want to hear it. Other times, I think they just don't know what to say.

I have learned to choose the people who are the more willing to sit and have serious conversations, grown-up sorts of people. They are more likely to have had difficult life experiences themselves, as well. When I chose the wrong people, it hurts to feel my difficulties swept aside.

I have noticed here, they don't do that.

I am glad you are seeing your GP & Psychiatrist regularly, & it seems you have a good relationship with them.

I wonder why you think the closer family members & your good friend would tell you something like, 'get over it? After all, they are asking, so perhaps they are, because they see your distress & want to help. They want you to know they care? What do you think?

I also live alone & have a public face, telling 'white lies', to not unburden myself to strangers. I have my PDr for that.

Sometimes, I actually find myself feeling good for a while when I am with someone who I can laugh ), joke & have fun with. I'm glad I am not my miserable self all the time.

Sometimes I feel I have been wearing a disguise, & when I take it off, there is Misery-guts - back again.

It is understandable that, with the police turning up like they did, you would have the flashbacks & memories, & all the feelings resurging through you. When something triggers, it really can be as if re-living the whole thing.

I sense the struggle in you, long & hard. It is exhausting.

I feel for you so much.

I can recall how I felt, when I didn't like life anymore; it was not fun, too much damage done to me, and I understood, I really just wanted all the crap to stop. Time & time again, I feel kicked back down but I suppose I am stubborn, because I get back up. I refuse to let the things that happened to me defeat me. Is that something you would like?

As for 'normal', no one knows what that is. My PDr can't even tell me that. I want to accept being myself instead.

My warmest regards,

mmMekitty

[therising]

Hi Living57

I believe you to be an incredible person, given how hard you're working at managing to navigate your way through the impact of what is criminal and reprehensible, when it comes to the behaviour of another.

To navigate our way through to finding the absolute truth as to who we are can be such an incredibly hard and even torturous process at times. To find the truth, we can (in the process) feel what is not true.

I believe there can be a deep pain felt through the word 'victim'. I believe it is a horrible and a highly inaccurate word to use when speaking to a survivor. With a survivor, their goal, their wish and their hard work points to their true nature as 'a victor', one who works hard to overcome.

I believe there can be an obvious neglect when it comes to the nature of a perpetrator. What can be neglected or overlooked is their obvious weakness, their inability to maintain self control. While such a person may believe they are in control, in fact they have lost it, completely. Others are led to suffer through their incredible weakness, their obvious lack of strength.

I believe while those who constantly seek to make greater sense of things possess an incredible level of natural intelligence and true brilliance, those who shut down that search become questionable. 'You just gotta get on with things and stop dwelling' is a shut down, one we can feel so deeply at times. This statement is in no way a management plan. Making greater sense of things is.

I believe those who feel so easily can feel the depressing nature of others, the incredibly stressful challenges that face them, the nature of the people who make a difference and the nature of those who don't.

I see you as a victor in the making, someone who manages so intensely to work through the weaknesses of others, someone of great intelligence and true brilliance, someone who strives to make greater sense of their ability to feel so much. I see you as someone who leads me to tears (as I sit here with my eyes welling up) as I consider your courage, determination and struggle to make sense of the truth.

I see you as a truth seeker, so desperate to find the truth as to who you really are, within such a brutal challenge. I hope you feel this truth - you are amazing. I know this to be the absolute truth because you amaze me more than you could ever imagine.

🙂

[Living57]

Thank you all for your replies and your kind caring words. They mean a lot to me.

I am working my way through each day as it comes, some easier than others. I keep looking for a good each day, that little thing that makes me smile. Today has been a hard day after a long night. I hope it gets better.

I am a truth seeker as you say. I would love to understand why people have seen fit to abuse me and hurt, it doesn't make sense that one person can get satisfaction from such actions. Maybe if I could understand I'd get some sort of closure instead of spending my time tortured by my past. It certainly doesn't make living easy, the unseen pain, the depression, PTSD etc rule my life while I try to keep fighting this and stay away from taking a fatal step to get some sort of release and relief.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Living57,

We are sorry to hear that things have been so difficult for you and that you have been struggling with depression and ptsd. We understand this must be so hard for you but we also want to acknowledge the strength that you have to keep on fighting. Please know that you never have to go through this alone, and support is always here for you.

If you would like to talk to someone, the Beyond Blue Support Service is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  and in overwhelming moments we suggest getting in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467). 

We're all here for you, and we hope that you keep us updated on how you're going whenever you feel ready. 

[mmMekitty]

Hello Living57,

How are things going? I'm thinking about you.

I've been thinking about this business of 'closure' and I don't know. I tried, even to talking to the one who did most harm to me.

I wrote him, and while waiting for a response, I stewed over the memories and feelings, and the longer I waited the more stewing I did. It was awful.

& after, when we spoke, I was not satisfied with the response. I don't think he really understood how he came to do the things he did, or why. I think he tucked it all away and went on not thinking about it - longer than I had. (how ironic)? I came away not sure what to make of it.

I am certain it did not make anything go away. I find now, it is better to focus on what I feel now, how I interpret those events, working on those feelings about what happened, which effect me now. For example, I still feel rotten for not stopping him much sooner than I did. Fact is, I did stop him, when I was able to. Fact: I was not able to do that earlier than that day. I have no reason to feel ashamed for that.

I think, if I can take myself apart, and examine each piece, 'clean' me up, so to speak, and put me together again, that is what I am doing. I'm not worrying about him. If he wants to face it, work through it for himself, that is for him to decide. I have enough to do within myself.

I don't think I need to either forgive him or expect any apology from him to give myself the care I need.

For some things, we must put ourselves first. Doing that has nothing to do with him.

Or anyone else for that matter.

Living57, I hope we hear from you soon. Be kind and gentle to yourself.

mmMekitty

[therising]

Hi Living57

I've often wondered why some people can be so cruel and thoughtless. I suppose a lot of it relates to 'nature vs nurture'.

I think there's so much about our nature we don't consider. For example, how is a new sense of self suddenly born or how does it gradually come into being? Myself, I'm a pacifist but if someone threatened to do serious harm to my kids, that part of me which would fight to the death, literally, would manifest. The lioness in me would do whatever it took no matter how brutal. So, you could say that part of me exists yet my grounding in life, how I was nurtured, keeps it in check. My sense of self which dictates 'Do no harm to others' is dominant.

So, for someone else, the question perhaps is about why thy cannot or why they simply refuse to keep a dark or brutal part of their nature in check. Does it come down to a lack of the kind of basic nurturing that keeps it in check (compassion, thoughtfulness, respect for life etc) or do they simply not care to keep it in check, not caring to refer to what grounds them out of acting on their thoughts? When it comes to the nurture side of things (conditioning), were they actually conditioned to not care about others? Were they conditioned by a narcissist or an abuser?

In a previous post I mentioned the idea of having a weakness, a lack of strength, in regard to self control or self management. If you knew why this weakness or lack of self control exists in such a person you'd have your answer as to why they act the way they do. Perhaps they are someone who does not feel they should have to control themself. A narcissist's weakness is serious delusion. In my opinion, if someone experiences such delusion and desires to never address it, as they believe they have no problem, they should stay deluded in prison for the remainder of their life, so as to keep us safe. For others who are reformed out of such delusion, their new found sense of reality will most likely lead them to suffer through imagining the incredible pain they've caused others. They are locked into a psychological prison of incredible sufferance, perhaps for the remainder of their life.

While it can be our nature, how we are nurtured and our experiences which go toward forming our reality, working out another person's reality can sometimes prove impossible but not always.

As that sense of self known as 'the victor' gradually comes to life more and more in you, take notice of the moments in which it shows itself 🙂

[Living57]

How do you deal with people who constantly tell you they understand what you are going through when they have no real idea.

I keep to myself and rarely go out, I have complex ptsd, social isolation, depression, anxiety and suffer panic attacks and live in pain from fibromyalgia and osteoarthritis. I visit my daughter and son-in-law once a week. She has a friend who constantly tells me she gets it. The last time she started on me I just walked away mid conversation she followed me telling me its okay but I need to get over myself and stop wallowing in self pity, on and on about how I'm letting my daughter down, not being able good role model for my grandchildren etc etc. I burst in to tears found my daughter apologised and said I had been really upset and that I was going home, which I did. This woman's comments have sent me in to a downward spiral. Ive now spent the last few days just wondering about my existence and what I bring to the world and its not much and I question why I keep putting myself through this hell called life. I am becoming more of a loner and staying home rather than seeking the fresh air outside. Im loosing interest in things that I used to find helped me distract my mind. Its safer in my four walls away from people like her. I think a lot about a lot of things, what if my life had been different, if people had treated me the way they should have, if i wasn't abused by those who should have protected and cared for me, if I'd made different choices. I think about packing up everything I own, storing it, getting in my car and just driving with no destination in mind to try and find somewhere that i can be at peace with myself and within myself. The chaos of living in suburbia, the noises, the people, it all gets to me and I crave nothingness and peace and quiet, but I doubt people would understand. Its been so long since I had any peace and quiet, mentally, physically and emotionally, that I crave it desperately, I can't remember a day when I haven't cried, the tears are a constant in my life. I no longer want to try and explain what I am going through to people who really don't want to hear it, who have in their opinions the answers and are ready to express them as fact. Im sick of all of them, they just keep adding to the demons I fight each and every day and it's a battle and I hate it.

[therising]

Hi Living57

I believe some people think 'I can relate' but unless they really feel on our level of mental and/or physical sufferance, they can't entirely relate. They may think 'I've felt the pain that person feels and it's horrible. This is what I did to get over it. It worked for me so I'll tell them what to do'. But what if the person they're speaking to has this same level or type of pain yet they face having it for the rest of their life. Then, it's a whole different story. Add the depressing level of ongoing physical sufferance to the idea that they've been told by specialists that there's no light at the end of the tunnel and this ramps it all up to exhausting and depressing levels of sufferance the person who means well cannot possibly comprehend.

My mum faced this scenario with a friend she used to see. This friend would often advise 'You need to exercise, get out and walk more. It makes all the difference'. Mind you, my mum has a degenerative spinal condition that has now led her to manage her pain through the use of a wheelchair. She lacks a number of discs throughout parts of her spine while this causes significant nerve issues. While I work on inspiring her to imagine various ways in which she can adapt through the challenges she faces, I also encourage her to vent the mental and physical dis-ease (including that feeling of heartache) she occasionally feels. To say to her 'You need to stay positive' would lead her to feel more depressed at times because she would see herself as 'A failure at being positive all the time'. I say vent. Freely vent your thoughts out through your mouth, freely vent the anguish out through your eyes, vent, vent, vent. Such dis-ease is better out than in.

I believe we should be free to feel and express sorrow for our self (aka feeling sorry for our self). Some challenges and stages in life are undeniably sorrowful. To acknowledge we should be free to feel deeply for aspects of our self that experience sufferance is constructive. To explore, not ignore these parts, takes us beyond ignorance. Perhaps the greatest challenge when it comes to such sorrow or grief is to freely feel it yet not remain within it.

I've found 'I am sick of...' to be quite a revealing statement in my life. Throw in a 'because' and you could say 'I am sick of the people in my life' becomes 'I am sick because of the people in my life'. It would be nice to say 'I am well because of the people in my life'. Ignore the sickening ones where you can.