How do I get over the shame of a sexual assault?

[Sandy19]

I feel so ashamed and overwhelmed. 20 yrs ago I was sexually assaulted by 2 men on a night out. I never told anyone because I was so ashamed that it must've been my fault because I drank too much. I was left battered and bruised and had to hide it from my family because I thought I'd get into trouble. I have a very loving and patient husband but I feel so awkward being intimate. I feel like I never want anyone to touch me again. He knows all about my past and wants to support me but I can't seem to break down these barriers. I'm on antidepressants for post natal depression which I suffered after having both of our children. I feel like I'm constantly trying to climb out of a black hole and I'm really exhausted. I'd love any advice. Thank you for reading this. 😊

[beingbyrne]

Oh Sandy19......20 years is a very long time to carry a burden this heavy. It's not easy to get over something so traumatic. Have you seen a counsellor about this? It sounds way too serious to tackle it on your own.

I'm glad you found this forum and good on you reaching out for help. If you haven't had any professional help yet, then you've made the first step by posting and sharing your story with us.

Welcome to BB and I hope you will find this site helpful. It is a fantastic supportive community with lots of lovely people who care.

I'm not sure if I'm qualified to give you advise, but I'm here for you and I would love to hear from you again.

It would be important for me to know if you've received any counselling about this, before I can give you any advise.

Hugs

[Cornstarch]

Stories like this make me so angry. I'm in total agreement with beingbyrne I would never tackle sexual assault alone. I'm a survivor and shame & overwhelm is a daily struggle for me over 20 years later. Some days I think anxiety rules my life and then other days I realise that it's probably shame that controls me the most. It can change my arousal within milliseconds.

What you are experiencing is the hardest part for every sexual assault/abuse survivor. This emotion 'shame,' has therapy waiting rooms full of people with this debilitating effect. I promise you, you are not alone. It's just our society that makes you feel that way. Unfortunately what is adding to your shame is that sex abuse is still a taboo. Yet the perpetrators walk the streets, chin held high. This is what enrages me.

The hardest thing for me and the most draining was finding a therapist that was helpful, because I had to shop around for years. Your husband must hate those men that have done this to his beautiful wife. I'm sure on the inside he feels inadequate at the horror of it all because he can't change it. No-one can change it. Everyone in your life would be wishing they could, and they can't. Forcing physical intimacy could just trigger your trauma. I wish I had more advice.

In terms of help, I am yet to find any support groups or group therapy so most people just have to stick to one-on-one therapy. But the truth is I want privacy when I talk about it and probably wouldn't be able to speak in front of a group because I am so embarrassed even though I am a middle aged women.

Do you have a beloved sibling you could talk to? Just because siblings knew you before and after, and it can be comforting to speak to someone that knew you before the trauma. Trauma can become all consuming and it's nice to be around people that remind you that not all of you has died.

My shame was so extreme that I spent months in therapy almost mute. My therapist has had a very gradual process in getting all the detail out of me.But that's the nature of trauma you shut down. And unfortunately for me I come form a broken home so parents support has never been an option.

I hate the prevalence of this crime

Take care

[Sandy19]

Oh gosh, thank you so much! And yes, I have had 2 Years of therapy with a lovely psychologist which helped enormously. I'm not going at the moment because I feel like I need a bit of a break to try to process things. I think the feeling of shame is definitely the hardest part. I used to walk down the street and feel like every person that looked at me would know my terrible secret. I feel like I've never known how to talk kindly to myself, and my terrible thoughts seem to rule my day. I just catch myself calling myself an idiot or stupid or not worth anything. I know that I need to change these thoughts to positive ones, but gosh it's hard! Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me.

[Cornstarch]

You know yourself, that sounds like an excellent idea have a break.

The story becomes tedious. And lets face it, it ain't going anywhere fast. You have plenty of time to revisit it if that is what's right for you. I have had lots of breaks in the past especially cos I can't always afford therapy.

I have friends who are amazing at being able to box up their sex abuse and put it to one side and not be as overwhelmed as me. I feel so weak compared to them. They don't get flooded by anxiety. But they had loving mothers and fathers so their nervous system was built on trust, even though trust was broken later by a criminal and for some that criminal was in their own family. Having had a strong foundation meant they have done much better in life than me. I didn't. My parents should never have been parents.

My therapist uses psychology jargon on me and says I have an insanely severe 'inner critic'. I was like what on earth is that. She explained something about the way I talk to myself in my own head was out of balance. I knew I was making progress when I back chatted and said are you kidding me, it's not an inner critic, its the voice of my parents always putting me down and then being raped gave me further evidence I was worthless. Its not just negative thoughts that came about by themselves, adults did a pretty damn good job of putting them in there for me.

Not only did I feel like everyone knew but I felt like they actually allowed it to happen and just approved of the whole thing like a lamb to the slaughter. Reading about all the poor victims caught up in the Royal Commission into sexual abuse in the Catholic church really helped me feel less alone when it comes to that feeling of other adults knowing, and letting it happen. All sex abuse victims feel like it was approved by everyone around them even if it wasn't the case. That's what shame is. It makes you feel small and unwanted by the group.

I'm looking at the stars for you Sandy and sending you a comet across the night sky

[Cwideoraefta]

Sandy19, this is my first post on this forum.

Whilst it would be easy for me to tell you it was not your fault, that none of it was your fault, it is one thing for you to read that, and another thing entirely for you to accept it.

But really all I can do is say, and if necessary, repeatedly say, is that it truly was none of your fault.

No matter how drunk you were, the rape was not your fault.

No matter how young, nor how old, the rape was none of your fault.

No matter what you wore nor how you acted, the fact that those two cowards chose to attack you and disrespect your humanity was not so much as the hint of a shadow of a skerrick of your fault.

The only ones who deserve any guilt or shame are the two cowards who chose to steal your human dignity that night. The weak-souled rapists who obviously chose to take advantage of you at a time when you were ill-equipped to defend yourself, nor to give your consent.

They are the shameful ones, Sandy19.

Not you.

I think it is wonderful that you know to take time away from your psychologist in order to process things, but from my own experiences, I do feel it might help you, when you are ready, to resume your therapy and look at your self-talk. That has been one of the worst parts of my own history, the self-talk aspect. But with the right help, the self-talk is something you can learn to rival, with time, effort and the right support.

For example I agree that what you went through was terrible, but is it really fair on you to think of it as your 'terrible secret'? That is a term that emphasises your shame. You really deserve no shame, for the wrong that was done to you was not your wrong. It was done to you, not by you.

Each and every time we use such language to describe our experiences, we reinforce our shame and our self-blame. As a survivor of sexual assault, that is how I battled my own self-blaming and shame.

Shame does not have to rule you for ever. It is one thing you can rival, you can master, you can put behind you in time and with the right work.

You are a lovely human being and deserve all happiness that the world can offer. I hope you can find at least some of that.

Take care.