Grief CPTSD and anxiety

[Megs14]

Needing a bit of support after having my dog put to sleep last week. I’m devastated but slowly navigating my way out of it however I’ve noticed my anxiety seems to started again and after months of nothing it’s come as quite a shock. I actually ended up having a full blown attack on Friday the day after we put him down and it’s as if I’ve triggered my CPtsd ( result of losing mum at young age and neglect from parental figures ) I had no sleep for 3 days as a result. I just feel like I’ve gone backwards and it really scares me. I’ve been on a long road to recovery since my last big breakdown 4 years ago and I’m even coming of my antidepressants I’ve been doing they well. I’m so upset and annoyed with myself for allowing the anxiety to get on top of me again and my last episode was very scary for me it’s as if I’ve lost trust in myself. I hope this all makes sense I’m just sort of lost right now. I also worry I’m not grieving right or enough. I cried the day before we took him and all day the next 2 days and felt so much pain like a heaviness on my heart. I know I should be kind to myself but it’s so hard when I have been in recovery and this setback has scared me. I see my psychologist in a fortnight and I do acupuncture with a therapist next week. I just need to know I’m not alone in this and does it get better?!

[Eagle Ray]

DearMegs14,

I think a core element you are often already dealing with when it comes to complex PTSD is grief. So when you experience a loss of a being close to you it hits so much harder and can really knock you off balance. Sometimes too if you have been processing trauma stuff with your psychologist, grief can be close to the surface which is part of the healing but it can also make you especially sensitive. There is definitely no right or wrong way to grieve. People can do it very differently from one another.

 I have complex PTSD myself and I know I experience losses with a lot of intensity. Because our nervous systems are already hypervigilant, it’s like we’re already vulnerable and so the loss of your beloved dog would be deeply affecting. It makes sense that it’s brought up past anxiety.

A few things might help. One is just being very gentle and nurturing with yourself. Perhaps spend time in nature or resting or listening to music that you find healing - whatever is soothing. Of course that in itself can bring up tears, but that’s ok and it can help to release emotions.

Another thing that might help is just sharing your feelings with another - basically co-regulating with a sensitive person who is there for you. If you can’t think of someone you can do this with right now, you can always ring up the BB Helpline just to have a chat. If the person you get isn’t the right fit in that moment, you can always call again until you feel you’re speaking with someone who is empathically present. It can be very settling and relieving to have another human witness how you’re feeling and it can just make it a bit easier.

This may sound weird, but I have done it with loved ones who have passed, and that is I talk to them as if they’re still there. This helped particularly in the days and weeks after they died. Someone suggested this to me and I found it comforting and reassuring. I actually find myself still talking to one of the dogs I used to live with sometimes, not even intentionally or consciously. It must be comforting or nurturing for me to do it.

 I know it feels really awful right now but it will get better. It’s great you have the acupuncturist and psychologist lined up. Take care of yourself and sending you a big hug xx

[Megs14]

Thank you for your reply, that makes me feel not so alone and heard. I had another mild attack this morning ( I call them jump scares as it feels like that in the moment ) but I just lay in bed doing my breathing exercises until it passed. I’m trying to just keep my normal routine up, keeping busy,  working and walking my son to school. I feel as though I’m in slow motion at the moment. I wonder if I should increase my antidepressant back to what I was on previously but this is a question I’ll be asking next week if I’m still not feeling good. I guess I just have to wait and see.

[Eagle Ray]

Hi again Megs14,

I thought of something that recently helped me. I was watching a clip of Gabor Mate speaking and he mentioned an approach used by Tara Brach who is a Buddhist psychologist. Her approach is called RAIN which stands for: Recognise - Allow - Investigate - Nurture

Gabor Mate was talking about it in relation to sudden attacks of rage or anger which can come up in complex PTSD, but it could also be used for sudden episodes of fear, panic or anxiety.

So in the first instance you recognise what is happening. Then you just allow it (not trying to judge, control or fight it). Then you investigate with curiosity. Curiosity apparently shuts down our trauma circuits so it can start to shift the bodily responses in itself. Then we nurture ourselves, being kind and tender to those parts of ourselves that need it.

I think what is challenging with complex PTSD is we can suddenly shift back to a state from childhood in response to an experience in the present. In our child self we have limited resources which back for us then were often things like our fight-or-flight and freeze responses. These were necessary survival mechanisms then. So it's like gradually realising we are now safe in the present.

This feeling safe is something your psychologist can really help with. It's like a safe holding environment where you can start to recalibrate your nervous system responses. When you have a witness in the present who is calm and nurturing it's like the nervous system can let go of it's survival struggle and anxiety responses.

That obviously takes time and trust, but it is what I am going through myself at the moment. It's like my body is finally learning to relax into the feeling of being safe, possibly for the first time ever. It's a progressive letting go that is a kind of unusual relief as I'm not used to it, but I know is a good thing.

It's so understandable that the loss of your dog may bring up past feelings and responses, but the strategies you are doing are really good. Go gently and be kind to yourself.