Fruitless search for hope

[NotSoStrongAfterAll]

Hello and thanks for reading. I am 30-something and within the last five years I've experienced some immediate stressors - professional bullying, end of an emotionally abusive relationship and had trust seriously abused by trusted ones that have cost me considerable sums of money. Within this time I have also (finally) had some revelations about my past about events I had always explained as my fault, including multiple instances of sexual abuse when I was a child, by relative strangers and also a "father-figure". It came to light that my mother was aware of the grooming and failed to act.My father was similarly ineffectual in protecting me. More recently, I had a miscarriage which, despite being over-joyed at the news of my pregnancy, was met with apathy by both of my parents. Not even a follow-up text if I was okay weeks later. I finally put this to my mother and now she has rescinded contact. I am at my end. I spend my days trying not to drink and watching shows on my laptop. If I'm being "good" I will delay my first drink until 5pm and then I will drink to oblivion. I leave the house only when I need more alcohol. I had an eating disorder for over ten years (I've always been a total mess!) which I managed to overcome on my own. I had one visit with a psychologist many years ago to help me with this but he spent most of the first (and last) session asking about my sex life. My mother is a mental health worker and volunteered with LifeLine call centres for years, so I don't trust the avenues that are meant to help. I have retreated into a bubble and am terrified of coming out. Every time I try and emerge, something else seems to jump up and slap me in the face. I haven't even started on my intense dismay at the state of the world! I feel as though there is nothing anyone can do or say to help me regain my happiness. The anti-depressants helped for a while but now they just stave off the incessant tears. I have always been "the strong one" but I don't have the strength anymore. Your suggestions on a course of action will be immensely appreciated x

[geoff]

hello, from what you have said is that it's been a terrible and disgraceful period of time that you have had to endure, to be sexually abused by what you call a 'father-figure'would have been horrific, with no support from your either of your parents, especially where your mum has volunteered for Lifeline, is certainly not what sort of comfort anyone would expect, and where you have 'been taken of' financially.
This is not anyway to bring up a child or how a child would hope that wouldn't happen, because it lays a bad upbringing standard.
It's been a very disappointing beginning to your life and unfortunately it still continues with them not giving you any sympathy or suuport for having a miscarriage, so please accept our condolences as it must have been something which you hoped would never happen.
If my psychologist focused only on my sex life I would either tell him/her to stop or I would get up and walk out, because your pain goes way beyond this, and that's what they should have been concentrating on, and not something which may excite them.
I can understand your desire that you want to drink, only because I was the same, but now in hindsight I know that it is only delaying or pushing your recovery into a future date, which is when you decide that you have to stop, and that decision has to be made by you and no one else, sure people can suggest that it's not good, but when they say that only increases your desire to keep drinking.
I only know from myself that eventually I knew that I had to stop, but rather than this I only drink socially now.
Can I alo say that it would be a good idea to see your doctor and then try another psychologist, or you could click onto 'Get Support' at top the page where you will you find 'find a professional'.
I realise that you maybe hesitant in ringing the BB phone number, because of your mum, but these people are not related to you, so then offer the best advice they can.
When I was depressed I never thought that my life would ever improve, so I just settled into feeling depressed and thought that's how I will be in the future, but here I am replying back to you because I certainly have overcome it.
Please I hope that you can get back to us. Geoff. x

[jo11]

Hi,sounds like you have been through alot so you must be a very strong person. I have had issues with drinking myself, to cutt a long story short one incedent last week I drank until I was completely smashed and was going on with the theme "no one cares, im on my own", falling over and just a mess. It was a wake up call for me, as this same behaviour I have done over the years so many times. So this week I have started writing in a diary and reflecting on my issues, realising that I have low self esteem which does go back to my childhood, and I do have a drinking problem, so I think my drinking behaviour in a way is to self medicate and be distespectful of myself. Its like I want to punish myself as Im not worth it, if that makes sense. So ive decided to start focusing on me and what makes me happy and feeling that I do have worth and that I am of value. I cant change the past but I do think that I can change how I cope with the past and you can too, you just have to want to take control and want to change, because you are worth it and your on this planet for a reason.

In the past I have been to a few psychologists to help chatting and I found them good, especially at times where I felt I couldnt speak to family or friends as they would be judgemental.