Confused

[Kombie390]

Strong TW... Mentions. Childhood sexual abuse, Incest, Mental health.

Flashbacks have been extremely vivid in past weeks and now more so in past days since receiving terrible news from an unnamed Government department.

I guess in the MH industry they call it compartmentalising, personally want to say it's trying to wrap my head around it, trying to find 'my' way of processing such news.

Some of you here may or may not understand why I need to BUT have to justify my childhood abusers actions. My thoughts are cluttered and blocked up with the notion it wasn't that bad.

I have been diagnosed with a fair few MH labels DID (dissociative identity disorder), been one of them. All I can manage day to day which is a burden in itself is this singular thought. Many of you may say to try, dig into my self care coping tool kit and find a different and more positive approach. Its not possible. I can't, believe me I've tried. With different ages the abuse was happening in my past, now they are fronting with and without these flashbacks. Other C-PTSD symptoms are feeling equally as worse, no, or lack of sleep being one of them, which I know isn't helping my thoughts become any clearer or kinder towards oneself.

I needed to write out these thoughts of mine to someone else as they are stealing and taking my energy away from me. Plus I'm drowning. I'm struggling.

Life in my current world isn't going well, active trauma. It's complicated. I don't know if there's such a thing as a DID episode or it's just another MH downward spiral I'm going through. Currently, I have awareness, which in itself is almost impossible at the moment from my past counselling sessions of depersonalisation and derealisation. My kids don't feel like or seem like they belong to me, I don't feel I should be living where I am. I am wanting to go home, to my family of origin, they are all my abusers but in my current thoughts it's where I felt needed and safe (I know that sounds very confusing) but really they were using me anyway they wanted. It's all different there now though, it's 2023, we are all older and have gone in different directions. That was then decades ago, I'm finding it impossible in seeing the difference. I am, we all are feeling very confused and disoriented. I am finding myself staring at walls for I don't know how long, hard to describe but it feels like an outlet. 

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Kombie 390, I’m sorry for what you’re experiencing and it sounds like the news from the government department has activated increased levels of dissociation, into depersonalisation and derealisation. That is really understandable and sometimes what our mind-body does to get through the impact of certain events.

 I do somewhat understand about re-orienting to the family of origin, even when they were the source of complex ptsd in the first place. I think when things get especially overwhelming and dissociative it can be a natural response to still seek somehow the support from the family, almost like an innate need for connection but not knowing where else to turn, so you look back to what you know and wish was there for you. I did that myself 13 years ago when I went through something traumatic that re-activated childhood trauma - I found myself looking back to my family of origin. I also went into depersonalisation and had no sense of an ‘I’ or ‘me’ and my name was no longer my name as I no longer existed. So I have some sense of the blank space you describe, staring at walls etc.

 I hope I can encourage you by saying that I gradually pulled out of that and a sense of self returned. I found orienting to things that I’ve always found connecting gradually helped, such as going down to a local park and photographing birds on the lake. It kind of brought me back to the here and now. It also reminded me of a creative part of myself that could see the colours and patterns of nature, and therefore I did in fact exist and have an identity.

 I wonder if there are activities you can do with your kids that help re-orient you to the here and now? Maybe seeing the world through their eyes too is a way to reconnect with yourself and the present. They are part of you and you are part of them and you can share present experiences with them, even something simple such as watching birds in the garden if you have one, going to a local park or a walk somewhere etc.

 I hope if you haven’t already that you can find some good therapeutic support. It can be worth searching for someone with a really good grounding in complex ptsd, did etc.

 I hope you are ok and feel free to let us know how you’re going if you want to. Just chatting to others, here or on the BB helpline or elsewhere can be grounding and reconnecting. Take care.