Complex PTSD

[Guest_597]

OK... I've started my recovery from my ptsd.... but who finds that you are so toxic.... 

I feel so toxic with the traits that I've had to use for survival mode for so long... that now I'm meeting new people who are different as and being told I'm constantly toxic to be around.... 

I don't mean to be... I don't want to be... but some how I am.... 

The zoning out I am angry with apparently.... 

The when I try to prove a point because how I had to growing up is so toxic.... that it makes other people feel like shit... that I don't even realise I'm doing it.... I get told.. but I want to stop.... how the hell do u stop a survival technique that's stuck with you for so long to just stop..... 

What am I doing wrong.... I've started meditation... it makes me so tired and drained .... I'm trying to get help to see a psychologist again... because I know i need it.... 

But just why am I so toxic.... 

[Bob_22]

Hi Guest_597,

Thanks for your post. It's best not to view yourself as toxic but to simply see your actions as not being ideal for the situation. It sounds like you've learned a certain way to respond to your environment which is not your fault. It's important to acknowledge the intent behind your responses/actions and that you mean no ill will by them. Seeing a psychologist is a good idea as they can help you learn new helpful behaviours and patterns of thought. https://blueknot.org.au/ is also a good organisation that supports those recovering from complex trauma. Meditation which you have started is helpful as is journalling as you can monitor and identify and unhelpful thoughts. This can be expanded upon by a psychologist. 

Hope that helps a little.

Bob