Complex PTSD

[Mara56]

Hi, I'm new to this. I have complex PTSD as a result of multiple traumas including childhood sexual abuse, physical, mental & emotional abuse. My father was a violent alcoholic, mother psychologically disturbed, I was raped at 19, my first husband narcissistic, highly manipulative, controlling, possessive, emotionally, mentally abusive, controlled finances, also an alcoholic and eventually threatened violence. Second husband had depression and I believe PTSD. I carried the relationship emotionally and financially until it took a toll on my mental health. I've seen many counsellors over the years, some caused more damage because despite me telling them about my history they never connected that I had PTSD. Finally found a psychologist I could work with and after several years I got to an ok place, where I could coexist with the flashbacks without them overwhelming me. Then my son died, I worked so hard to give my children a happy, healthy childhood, losing my precious boy has devastated me in ways I can never adequately express. 6 years later I met another man, for most part a good man and things were ok until I started having problems with my health. I've had multiple surgeries, too many to count. The last surgery, was horrific. The treatment I received in hospital triggered so much stuff from my past. When I've dealt with trauma in the past, I have had the benefit of compartmentalisation, as a result of what happened to me in hospital, I seem to have lost the ability to compartmentalise. The past 16 months have been a nightmare. My anxiety is through the roof, and the lows have been frightening at times. I have gone back to regular sessions. But as I've dealt with most of my past, except for my father, I have blocked out a lot of my memories around him. I am starting to wonder whether I need to just accept that this is me, I have complex PTSD and that anxiety, flashbacks, depression, insomnia are all part of it. But when I think that there is nothing I can do to change it.......... I go to a very dark place. I have told very few people in my life that I have PTSD and only a handful of people know about my past. I am conscious it's a lot for people to get their heads around. I'm hoping to connect with other people with PTSD, I feel very alone in it sometimes and I'm interested to hear how other people manage their PTSD. Many thanks

[Croix]

Dear Mara56~

I'd like to welcome you here, my heart goes out to you when I read how hard a life you have had, getting the most horrible of situations, abuse as a child, lack of support from an alcoholic mother at the time, rape, and a highly abusive first husband. Then supporting a second, followed by the death of your boy. To cap it off physical problems and hospitalization.

I'm not sure from your post if the last man, the mostly good one, stayed around.

OK, it is small wonder you have gotten worse and all your symptoms ramped up to a peak.

I can only give you a few words about my own story, which has a mostly happy ending. Yes you are in a bind BUT the real you is still inside, and as you proved before, you are capable of very great improvement, plus there are medical professionals who "get it" and genuinely help.

Lastly there are good loving steadfast partners.

MY PTSD, depression and anxiety did not come from the same sources a yours, but the symptoms sound much the same, plus, like you I lost someone closest to my heart.

I guess I was luckier and after being suicidal for some time told my partner, and then had a series of medical professionals until I got a psychiatrist who understood, and when he moved I got another.

Being overwhelmed by past events, sleeplessness and nightmares, thinking that is too heavily influenced by the past are all still there, but their force has been much muted, I avoid obvious triggers and live a pretty good life. When my first partner died I married again -to a widow, and was blessed with another strong understanding partner. I rely upon here for perspective, she relies on me for other things.

So no I honestly don't think you have to accept the real you is locked away forever, masked by the injuries life has given you. In time, with support you can heal. That does not mean the grief over your son will leave, he will always be part of your life, but in time only part, like my first wife.

You have love inside you -for your kids -you do not tread them badly as you were treated badly yourself, you rose above that. You avoided the drink, you expect marriage to be good, you have the fortitude to take what life had handed you and simply need to believe there is hope, which I'm trying to give you.

Although we are not identical I understand a lot of what you feel, you are welcome to talk here anytime.

Croix

[Mara56]

Thank you Croix, I really appreciate you replying to my post. I feel so alone in it sometimes. In reply to your query, yes the good guy stuck around. He knows about my past but I honestly don't believe he fully understands, how can he? I think what has been so hard for me in the past 16 months is the fact that I had reached a place very similar to where you're at. I was at peace, the flashbacks where there but not controlling my life. When it all got triggered again...... I'll be honest I was suicidal. And because I have been so good for so long, it took several months before my psychologist realised how bad I was. It doesn't help that as a result of the PTSD, I can't always adequately express what it is I'm feeling. It came to a head late Feb and I had to let my husband know that I wasn't safe. It was then that the psychologist realised where I was at. I saw 2 different psychiatrists years ago but they didn't work for me. My metabolism is such that anti-depressants and anxiety medications cause me horrendous migraines. I have an excellent psychologist, as I say it's just taken him a while this time to join the dots. I am so grateful you replied to my post. I was worried I had put it in the wrong section. I know your PTSD is from other causes, but it really helps to talk to someone else who understands what it's like. It's so hard sometimes when I'm out socially with friends and they're talking about their childhoods and how happy they were, and I feel like I can't say what my experience was like. In recent months I have told a couple of very close friends I have PTSD, which is huge for me. Well I'll think I'll leave it there because I'm going to run out of characters. Thank you once again for taking the time to reply. Kind regards

[Croix]

Dear Mara~

When my first wife died my conditon became much worse, and I was suicidal again, however that is no longer the case, I had inside me a person who is able to cope - not beat - but cope and give to others as well as take. You have a similar person inside you.

Of course it is discouraging to seem to be back at square one -but that simply is not the case. You have the memories of great improvement and the methods you used to get there. Traveling the same road again is going to be a lot quicker and you will go further, and be more capable. I am more capable now after my fall-backs.

I'd delighted you told your husband, firstly to ask for help (even if not in those words) is the most important step. I was like you and could not talk of suicidality, but eventually did -desperation I guess. I'm also delighted it was your husband you told, I would think there is some trust there -am I right?

The vast majority of the people in the world will not understand, even if they happen to be kindly and well meaning. So I guess you swap trivia with them and talk of experiences with those that have been there too.

I do not beleive complete understanding is necessary, just love and commitment. My wife did not know what was in my head, but though trial and error found out what helped me -a difficult task as I was inconsistent in my responses. I am very blessed. I'll mention that to start off with she felt to blame, but after having my symptoms explained by my psych had the confidence to realise it was not her.

Please let me now how you are getting on

Croix

[Mara56]

Hi Croix,

Appreciate you staying in touch. I honestly don’t have anyone in my life apart from my psych who understands what it’s like to have PTSD, so it is good to be able to talk to someone who does.

I have to say reading your last message you reminded me of my psychologist. He keeps trying to remind me that I’ve got through this before. Earlier this week I started to believe him. Then yesterday my anxiety went through the roof. We’ve had our house on the market but with the whole Covid 19 we decided earlier this week to take it off the market. The last 6 months have been dreadful for me anxiety wise, I just don’t seem to be able to cope with stress or chaos. Whilst the anxiety has still been there especially at night, it seemed to be slowly improving. Then late yesterday the real estate agent messaged to say he had someone who wants to view the property. My anxiety went through the roof. The lack of sleep is killing me at the moment. And my startle reflex is so sharp, sometimes it feels like I’m going to have a heart attack. Every time I jump it scares my husband but I can’t stop it. I was wondering if you had any advice around easing the startle reflex.

I do trust my husband. Mind when I was suicidal 6 weeks ago it was so hard to tell, but he mentioned being worried about me. He’s a good man and I’m fortunate to have found him.

It sounds like you have found a really good woman. You give me hope Coix that I’ll level out again.

Thank you once again for replying to me. I can’t tell you what a relief it is to talk to someone who understands.

Take care and stay safe.

Mara

[Croix]

Dear Mara~

I wish had all the answers, in fact I sometime am not entirely sure why I go up or down, I guess it just happens. Still as I said there is no comparison now.

I did not reply straight away because I wanted to think about your startle reflex. Mine quietened down and I think the reason for that was, at least in part because if my partner realized she or something else had triggered me then she would spend a little while trying to make the next few minutes as pleasant as possible. Over time I think this sunk in my brain - to some extent anyway.

You are right, I did find a realy good woman, or she found me. I owed her a lot. Later on I was able to look after her, something I'll always be grateful to have had the opportunity to do.

Sleep, well have you discussed this with your doctor? There are sometime meds the might help (particularly with the nightmares) however everyone is different.

If I sound like your psych that is because even to a layman it is obvious that you have overcome once, and are still the same person, though more experienced and thus stronger.

Yes I'm taking care, sitting in front of my wood fire listening to the wind outside, with Sumo Cat supervising. I hope to hear from you when you can

Croix

[Mara56]

Hi Croix,

I replied to your last post but not sure why my reply hasn’t been posted yet. I’ll give it till tomorrow and if it hasn’t appeared by then I’ll redo it.

In the meantime stay safe.

Regards

Mara

[Mara56]

Hi Croix,

Not sure what is happening, it appears my internet is struggling with Beyond Blues website. Anyway it appears my reply to your post yesterday went missing so I'll try and redo now.

I'm pleased to hear that you have an understanding partner. It certainly sounds like between you, you have come up with a strategy to manage your startle reflex. Mine has also been sharp but recently even more so. I have to admit it has scared my husband at times. I have promised him that I will discuss my "jumpiness" as he calls it, with my psychologist, this week.

I know what you mean about not knowing what causes you to go up and down. I know for myself, it is not always easy to identify one single thing, it seems to me to be a slow decline, then before I know it the flashbacks are back. The nightmares never go away. I'm trying really hard at the moment to just accept that these are the scars of my past trauma. I think sometimes my increased anxiety is due to me fighting internally against them.

In relation to medication, I wish I could take meds. Unfortunately, I have terrible reactions to a lot of medications. I get horrendous migraines from them. I have tried so many over the years and it is always the same reaction. I can't take painkillers either. One of the many reasons surgery is incredibly traumatic for me is because I can't take painkillers. I will talk to my psych about my insomnia but from experience, eventually I will settle again. It's just rough when I'm in one of these periods.

Your wife sounds like a gem! So glad you have a supportive partner, it makes all the difference I reckon.

Loved your comment about Sumo cat supervising you. I use to have a big fat Garfield type cat. Sadly, he died 18 months ago. I plan to get a dog when we eventually shift. I miss having a pet. They give you so much comfort I reckon.

I don't know if I have covered everything I said in my missing post but I feel I've got the gist of it. I do want to say once again that I really appreciate you taking the time to reply to my previous post. It helps a lot being able to talk to someone who understands what I'm experiencing.

Take care and stay safe

Mara

[Croix]

Dear Mara~

Sometimes the internet does swallow a post and one has to re-do it

Not being able to take meds is horrible, I rely on mine for pain control as well as the MH issues. You must be very tough to deal with that. I'm not sure I could day in day out

Perhaps you can intend for your startle reflex always be followed by a more pleasant moment, if your husband is too shocked maybe you can plan on always doing something minor but comforting for him yourself - does not have to be a big deal, just practice

Getting anxious about your capacity to improve is understandable, though I believe misplaced, and does make things worse. It diminishes the hope to which you are entitled. I've worried along the same lines in the past, particularly if I felt there was no improvement or was going backwards. Happily it does improve, even if in fits and starts. Please do not be discouraged

Thinking back on my wife's first reactions, she blamed herself for how I was, believing she had been in some way responsible. This of course meant whenever my symptoms ramped up she would be more upset and guilty. However after things were explained in detail to her by my psychiatrist she was able to accept they were symptoms of the illness and not feel guilty or that they were aimed at her in particular

In fact that knowledge gave her the self-confidence to really help (as much as one can).

I've no remedy for nightmares, with the exception I tend to wake with then very fresh and if I just lie there they linger and almost take on a life of their own, so I get up straight away. I may go back to bed shortly after, the chain of thoughts broken.

I have found between time and experience becoming locked in the past is so much less compelling or frequent. It can get worse either from a specific trigger ( a particular smell for instance) or just becuse my general stress level is higher. Even so not the monster it might have been once.

Pets make a house into a home, and I'm pleased you are thinking of another, they give love and demand responsibility and routine. If you would like to know how Sumo Cat got his name have a read here:

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/permalink/qltLoXHzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

It's part of my Happy Memories thread where anyone can read the fragments of happy memories of others as well as any they have written down themselves. It's open to everyone, the only rule being not writing of dark matters, there's enough of those in Real Life™ already

Croix

[Mara56]

Hi Croix,

I think my technology problem has to do with my ipad. I don't seem to have a problem posting from the pc.

I'm not going to lie it is incredibly tough not being able to take meds. This is part of the reason why surgery has been so traumatic for me. I do have a high pain tolerance because I basically have to white knuckle my way through pain, but given I have an auto-immune disorder that loves attacking my joints........ it sucks sometimes only being able to take, not sure if I can mention the name, but you can buy it from the supermarket, and people give the liquid form to their children when their sick, pretty sure you'll be able to join the dots.

Will definitely try your suggestion of following the startle reflex with something pleasurable. I will give that one some thought.

You are so right about the anxiety. I have hated being back here again. My therapist said something at my last session in relation to confronting people he said "you have done this before, you doubt your ability sometimes but you have done this before" Those words have stayed with me. My mood has been up, down and all over the place since my last session but I keep coming back to his words. I have done this before and I will get through it.

That's sad that your wife blamed herself for your symptoms. So glad your psychiatrist was able to explain things to her. I plan on having some sessions with my husband, once all this Covid 19 isolation ends. Hopefully my therapist will be able to explain things to my husband so he doesn't panic when I jump at the slightest sound.

I'm like you, I tend to get up as soon as I wake up. I find writing my nightmares down helps. I've got quite good at analysing them. And I know they are definitely worse when I'm stressed as are all my symptoms.

I tried to look up your Happy Memories thread but it bought up thousands of links and I couldn't see your post. I will try to look through it once more and see if I can find the story of Sumo Cat. He sounds like a super hero.

Well Croix I"ll leave it there, it's 12.20pm here and I'm going to go and try and get some sleep.

Take care

Mara