Bullying/verbal abuse after effects

[spotted]

Around 20 years ago, I was badly bullied (verbal abuse, nothing physical) by peers, as a young adult. At the time, I don’t know why, but I felt trapped and couldn’t do anything to escape that situation or confront the bullies. This went on for a few years and at the time I felt very, very low but never let it affect me externally; I continued to show up everyday etc. Anyway, I moved on from it and have a family of my own, get a job, the likes. This thing though was always there at some corner of my mind, sort of always taunting me, making me feel less than. 
Now, I have started feeling terribly low, nothing seems interesting anymore and I’ve been having therapy. Sharing this incident with the counsellor left me very shaken up. For a few days thereafter It felt almost as if I was back there being abused. Is this usual? 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Over the years I've met work colleagues that went through events at work that was mild trauma. What I noticed is if I mentioned those events a month or so after the events I'd be amazed at how they discount them as now irrelevant. "oh, thats over now" or "I dont think about that now" or "we're good friends now" and so on.

This opened my eyes up on how different people can be. Dwelling on issues can be relevant to some and others dont dwell at all. Identifying your dwelling as excessive is the first step to lowering your worry however, your memories of such bullying might not ever go away. The goal could be to minimise it and divert your attention away from them when they show they show up.

A classic example of this was, in 1976 I had a physical fight with a fellow member in the military. As he was then a friend I felt guilty. I apologised several times to no response. Around 2010 now with facebook I found his site and messaged him. No response. Another current friend told me "I'd have stopped contacting him after your first apology" and "why are you thinking about it 34 years later"? So dwelling/regrets, an inability to let go is known by me a lot. The following might help, you only need t read the first page-

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/only-the-strongest-survive-make-it-you/td-p/180746

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/running-around-trying-to-save-the-world/td-p/143535

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/relationship-and-family-issues/fortress-of-survival-part-3-workp...

Reply anytime  TonyWK

[therising]

Hi spotted

What you went through and are still facing, based on the behaviours of others, is something no one should have to face. Some people can be so incredibly cruel and thoughtless and actually be proud of that. Seriously messed up stuff.

While I never faced that kind of abuse growing up, my 17yo son did. He faced it throughout primary school and the first half and a bit of secondary school. As I struggled to help him make sense of it and the best ways in which to manage it all, along with his mental health, his father's answer was typically 'Just hit 'em'. While I researched ways to manage far more constructively than 'hitting 'em', finally things began to make more sense as I delved into the world of 'feelings'.

It became more about

• 'I want you to see if you can get a really good feel for the nature of that person. See what you can sense about them. Can you feel/sense them being depressing? Can you feel/sense them being stupid?' etc. 'Get a really good feel for what you sense'. In other words, learn to read people
• 'I want you to experiment with emotion'. With the idea in mind that emotion = energy in motion, it became about playing around with getting a feel for different charges/triggers or kinds of energy. What kind of energy or charge is felt through the thought 'that person/bully is insane, based on their insane behaviour', as opposed to feeling the thought 'I am weak'
• Along the lines of insanity, it also became about being more observant of insane behaviour. Without realising at first, my son found himself beginning to be amused by these people's behaviour. He began to find it funny that they had no idea how insane they actually were. While he knew, they remained clueless. He came to realise he was far more conscious than they were
• We came to discuss how such people will typically pick the most sensitive person to abuse, the person who can sense far more easily than others. While my son remains highly sensitive, this has come to serve him, especially when it comes to reading people and emotional detachment. If he can sense someone's depressing degrading vibe, he'll emotionally switch off straight away so as to analyse their behaviour, if it's something that interests him. In other words 'I'm not going to feel you (your vibe) but I will analyse you, so that I know exactly who I'm working with here'. He'll even sense the intense need to question at times 'Do you know why you're being such an a-hole?'. If he can't work it out, he'll straight out ask them (if it's safe to do so). He's not someone who'll pick a fight, he's simply someone who can't help but wonder. He's wonderful

Spotted, if you've always been sensitive (someone who can easily sense the nature and/or behaviour of others) I imagine it's proven to be an incredibly tormenting ability to have to manage throughout the whole of your life. While a psychologist may help you make sense of some aspects of abuse, is it possible you have the ability to sense incredibly depressing idiots based on how you feel their impact? Is it possible there was never anything wrong with you and how you were feeling (others)? Is it possible that what you were feeling was some of the most destructive people you may ever come across? How can sensing such a thing be your 'fault'? On the other hand, insensitive people can have many faults but they'll simply insist they don't. They can be very strange people indeed.

[spotted]

Thank you for your words of support, I really appreciate it. 

[David35]

Sounds like trauma. I've been bullied at work also, over 20 years ago now, and I still remember it very vividly. I've tried writing about it to help get my thoughts out of my head about it. Bullying threatens your livelihood, because you feel threatened at work. If the bullying doesn't stop, and you can't deal with it, as I couldn't, the only alternative is to leave. But this too is stressful. It is a form of trauma.

To go over traumatic events with a therapist is hard to do, but it releases the stress built up in your body. As an aside, i had trouble dealing with grief after my dad died. Almost 7 years later I was talking to a therapist and broken down crying in consecutive sessions because of the repressed trauma that I had. He suffered a bit before passing.

Trauma comes in all shapes and sizes and I would encourage you to grow through it with the help of a therapist. The subconscious mind stores these emotional memories which are hard to get rid of. They are like instincitual memories that can be recounted in split seconds if something "triggers" them. So when you finally confront them, it can be very unnerving, but in the end it will help your mind heal.

[spotted]

Thank you; yes, I’ve started therapy now.