A week ago my psychologist diagnose me with PTSD as well as anxiety and
depression. It has been strange to get my head around it and
understanding this has been hard, specially because I don't want to tell
anyone. Since I was young my mum was emotion...
View more
A week ago my psychologist diagnose me with PTSD as well as anxiety and
depression. It has been strange to get my head around it and
understanding this has been hard, specially because I don't want to tell
anyone. Since I was young my mum was emotionally abusive towards me,
putting a lot of her emotions on to me,filling me with guilt and shame,
as well as expecting me to help her fix the problems she was
experiencing through my childhood. In a way she resented me for issues
with my dad and her and my sister manipulated me for years,. About 3
years ago I moved from my country to live with my dad in Australia, I
was 15, and since he acted in a similar manner to my mum; overly
controlling and manipulative. The change of countries has been the most
shocking thing that has happened to me, combined with my negative
household life, I started experiencing very intense feelings, specially
anxiety and depression. After 2 years of dealing with panic
attacks,increasingly dark thoughts and getting into drugs and alcohol, I
started seeing a psychologist who has helped me deal with my life in a
better way. A month ago I decided to leave my dad's place for a couple
of week, once he started to become mildly physically oppressive, however
he took this opportunity to tell me I was no longer welcome to live with
him. I've been living with a family friend since; and it has been
amazing to experience an stable household. However, my anxiety is been
very present this past month, I have a constant feeling that what has
happened in my life is my fault. Everyone around has been extremely
supportive of my situation and I'm very thankful of that, but I don't
feel like I deserve that. I feel like I'm exaggerating the situation . I
feel alone, I've been pushing people away and been awful to people I
truly care about. I have exams in 2 months and I can't deal with
everything. I don't want to be a burden to the people around me as I
know they have their own lives and I don't want to bother them specially
because I feel like I'm exaggerating the situation. As for my dad, I
don't want to see him right now, that is awful of me but I'm not ready
to be his 'friend'. People have traumatic, scaring experiences that lead
to them experiencing PTSD. I don't think what has happened to me is
enough to leave me as broken as I am, and for that I hate myself deeply,
but I have no other option than to keep going.