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PTSD and trauma

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A_Tech PTSD for Medical and First Responders
  • replies: 273

Hi, Well obviously this my situation. I was hoping to find others here that might have a similar background to chat with, it can be so hard to talk about this stuff with non-med people (and I mean no disrespect, it's just often graffic or upsetting t... View more

Hi, Well obviously this my situation. I was hoping to find others here that might have a similar background to chat with, it can be so hard to talk about this stuff with non-med people (and I mean no disrespect, it's just often graffic or upsetting to others). Im a 40 year old female that has spent the last 10years in the State Trauma Hospital as an Anaesthetic Technician. My PTSD was brought about after years of exposure to shocking traumas, deaths, and no support from management. I would love to hear from anyone that has a similar story, or just wants to chat. Cheers

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BG_95 The void
  • replies: 5

Hi guys. I don’t really know how to start this. I guess it’s complicated. I have no intention to harm myself and when I talk about how I feel it’s always the constant worry but that isn’t what I plan to do. I just feel like this world isn’t for me. I... View more

Hi guys. I don’t really know how to start this. I guess it’s complicated. I have no intention to harm myself and when I talk about how I feel it’s always the constant worry but that isn’t what I plan to do. I just feel like this world isn’t for me. I feel like I am out of my body in a way-looking at myself and everybody around me and I don’t understand how or why I’m involved in any of it. I’m very intelligent-so I’ve been told and I look at socioeconomic spaces and society and media and I think the good and bad in the world and the rollercoaster of life is too much and I want to get off the rollercoaster and just feel peace (peace alive not unalive) I don’t see myself being able to feel safe in a relationship to start a family because I self sabotage due to fear of abandonment. I don’t want to work everyday of my life because I have worked so hard and am a good worker and I’m not cared for in jobs like I care for jobs so what’s the point. I’m studying a degree that I’m passionate about but it’s in a negative work environment (hospital/healthcare) I care so much and I wish I just cared a normal amount. I know I’m not the only one to feel like this but for myself I’m sick of being in such a negative space and I feel like I’m drowning and stuck in a pit of darkness. I have had these depression episodes on and off my whole life. 6 months of the year I’m off work due to depression. Real depression and not laziness. I have been told I have major depression, mild anxiety and complex ptsd due to some physical abuse and a LOT of verbal abuse and manipulation in childhood. CBT therapy dosent really work for me and idk what else is there to help. Trust me, I’m not a lazy person and have tried the whole meditation, self help books, CBT therapy, medication, look you name it-I’ve worked really hard at it. I’m 28 years old and all I want to do and all I do is sleep lately and most of the time anyway just worse other times. 13-14 hours a day because I don’t want to feel anything. I don’t know what else to do. I’m lost and yes I know it sounds really terrible like I will hurt myself but I don’t want to and won’t do it I’m just screaming for help at this point and looking for a way to stop hating myself and the world and being so negative. I’m tired and have been working on myself since I was 16 years old and I’m tired and just want things to get better and my hard work on myself to start paying off

Drewboy Tired of trying to ignore childhood SA
  • replies: 3

Hi out there. I am a 45 year old man and have worked hard to build my life, but for some reason the memories of my childhood SA have been coming on stronger and more frequently that it's becoming hard to ignore them and keep moving forward. My older ... View more

Hi out there. I am a 45 year old man and have worked hard to build my life, but for some reason the memories of my childhood SA have been coming on stronger and more frequently that it's becoming hard to ignore them and keep moving forward. My older brother and a friend's dad separately groomed and SA'd me from about the ages of 5 to 12. I never felt comfortable with it but went along so I wouldn't get in trouble, as they told me that would happen if I didn't play along. When I had just turned 14, a 19 yo neighbour who i liked, trusted and thought was a friend coerced me and technically took my 'adult virginity' I guess, but then moved and never made contact again. After that, I was scared to trust people but eventually let myself get into a relationship at 21, which took a few years to get comfortable with. Since then, i've fought hard to ignore and I guess repress the SA I went through as a child, and it's worked out pretty ok until now as I've focused on building my life up. But over the last 12 months the SA memories have been coming back stronger and stronger and I'm just getting so tired of trying to repress them. It's definitely affecting my mood at times. I worry it's affecting my partner and relationship. Sex has an element of fear about it these days. I know I should talk about this stuff professionally but that just feels like a very long and horribly uncomfortable road to go down, and I feel massive anxiety at the thought of seeking that kind of help. I've never told anyone about this stuff, and feel hesitant to even write it here, but I'm not sure what else to do.

Buzzbee Childhood trauma, church and SA
  • replies: 1

Hi there, I am suffering from childhood trauma and family SA. My coping mechanisms are freeze and flight impacting my life. Messed up with a helplessness and low self esteem indoctrinated by church ‚not good enough’ and paranoia ‚god sees and knows e... View more

Hi there, I am suffering from childhood trauma and family SA. My coping mechanisms are freeze and flight impacting my life. Messed up with a helplessness and low self esteem indoctrinated by church ‚not good enough’ and paranoia ‚god sees and knows everything‘, I developed trust issues as parents and church and teachers seemed omnipotent and all knowing. Can’t build deep friendships, can’t ask for help, can’t stay in jobs over long period of times, don’t have many friends and am distant in my family due to trust issues. Conflicts are not resolved as I shut down and freeze and flee to food, neighbours or hobbies. It‘s impacting marriage and family with kids and work environment. Plagued with guilt and shame, not being able to admit mistakes and apologise I am looking for a support group or one-on-one to unravel these issues and help me heal.

Kez77 Domestic Violence
  • replies: 1

So it all just came to a end my fiancée had anoth psychotic episode on Sunday night came home was angry he walked away and chilled and then made me my favourite dinner fish and prawns which was weird for never cooks and brought to me and was so lovin... View more

So it all just came to a end my fiancée had anoth psychotic episode on Sunday night came home was angry he walked away and chilled and then made me my favourite dinner fish and prawns which was weird for never cooks and brought to me and was so loving and sweet the man I feel in love with. then he went and had shower and went and watched tv and then came into our room raging and smashing everything up and put he hands on me. He then walked away and called the police saying I assaulted him when he knows he already has a DVO and I think was his breaking out to protect me for knew they would arrest him and knows I video everything when has his episodes. He has had a change in his medication over a year ago for doctor lost license and since they changed it has been having these episodes and is total different person I don’t even recognise anymore. I have kept trying all I can to get him to get help and we can go together to a new doctor and or a clinic for financially I could support us just wanted him back to the man I feel I love with but he thought he could fix himself and still it kept happening .. and I kept blaming the meds and kept trying to help .. so the police came took him away and I just kept telling them I don’t want him in jail just needs to get medication in rehab sorted.. they then called a family member of mine and they had to take me to the station and i had to make a report of that night then they saw more photos and videos from last 14 months and now has many chargers against him. The house he brought 8 months before I meet him and when I moved in 3 and half years ago we payed double mortgage and everything to get ahead 1 payed mortgage other put the same to the offset savings. We never changed into joint names for didn’t want to loose the low fixed rate we had which would run out this June and then would change. So now I have no access to any money or anything and they weren’t sure how long the court would hold him so I moved within 48hours and out all in storage and staying on a mattress in a family member’s place for have no money for a bond or anything. And for the account is all in his name can’t afford therapy even though they say 10 free sessions through mental health plan they aren’t free anymore. And to get a lawyer isn’t cheap either and doing all takes along time for legal aid and all also.. I am so lost and all can think of is the amazing life we had planned we renovated our house and we were so happy and now in a blink my whole life is up in smoke and my head is spinning like I am in a movie.. Am so worried about him in jail and of course I can’t have any contact and am just so lost and having a really bad day don’t know how my life came to this.

Freedom14 Life must get better than this!
  • replies: 2

Gday, I feel like I need to get this off my chest! I’ve been struggling again for the past 7 months. It has turned me back to substance abuse again to cope/switch off and I’m getting worse. It all started when I broke off the relationship with my par... View more

Gday, I feel like I need to get this off my chest! I’ve been struggling again for the past 7 months. It has turned me back to substance abuse again to cope/switch off and I’m getting worse. It all started when I broke off the relationship with my partner but still stayed friends and lived together. Little did i realised how much it affected her, I found out eventually that bills weren’t being paid, she also lost her baby sister (stillborn) and still to this day battling with anxiety, Depression and multiple problems with her body after the covid vaccine. I took on the role to look after her and it was very stressful at times. Trips to the hospital and doctors. Juggling a full time job as well (6 days a week) coming home tired and exhausted I still had to maintain the house,cook, clean and play with our 2 beautiful dogs. That was when I started using again it gave me energy to do things around the house that needed to be done. Work was becoming really depressing and a work colleague who I thought was a true friend turned out to be a narcissist and had psychologically abused me to try turn me against my partner ever since I put my focus on her wellbeing. Since I realised for who he truly was I tried to expose him but it seems he’s playing the victim. Pretty much all my work mates are now belittling me and gaslighting me. I feel like they’re trying to set me up to fail. it’s been so frustrating and confusing as I just want the truth as to why ?!?!? Why are you doing this to me ?!? because I have turned to substance abuse I have been missing out on work more and more. If I keep this up I will lose my job.The person who I get used to get the substance from, I know him well and again I thought he was a good enough person but in that 3 month period he must have seen how down I was at times and decided to use me and emotionally abuse me as well, when i confronted him. He somehow managed to turn people against me and made him look like the victim. Great!!! My partner and I have recently decided to rekindle our relationship and give it another try. She is dead set against my substance I use and I am trying to stop! I’d get as much as 5-6 days clean then relapse. I’m at the point where I feel like I’m going to snap and go crazy and use violence because inside I’m soo angry at them for taking advantage of me and I’m angry at myself because I just want to stop!

Eagle Ray TW Healing physical and verbal abuse from childhood
  • replies: 2

Possibly distressing content. I have an intellectual understanding of everything that has happened to me in the past. I have also completely forgiven things done to me in childhood and carry no resentment about those things. However, the impacts of e... View more

Possibly distressing content. I have an intellectual understanding of everything that has happened to me in the past. I have also completely forgiven things done to me in childhood and carry no resentment about those things. However, the impacts of early physical and verbal violence remain in my nervous system. I have successfully processed adult traumas somatically with my psychologist, removing the charge from those experiences. But the charges from early childhood remain. The worst physical violence occurred between the ages of 3 and about 7-8. While that later lessened, frequent volatile verbal rage continued to be directed at me. In my experience things like cognitive restructuring have been useless as I've basically done that already and that doesn't shift how my nervous system innately responds. I continue to have fear triggered in daily life by situations that are not necessarily harmful, yet my nervous system will be waiting for the harm to happen. I have practised sitting in meditation in nature for extended periods. As soon as I allow my body to let go I will usually vomit, my body purging the toxic sludge it has been carrying as a lifelong thing. It seems never ending and I am profoundly exhausted. I at least feel held in nature, like it is my witness and it always feels way safer than anything to do with other humans. The people I find I can really truly relate to are very gentle and sensitive people like myself and I usually find they have actually been through similar experiences to myself. I find people who haven't had such experiences will judge how you should manage in life with no understanding of visceral trauma and how it takes over when Complex PTSD responses take hold. The world can feel like a very alienating place of non-understanding, leading me to retract back into self-protection and isolation. With the friends I know with similar experiences, we tend not to go too deep into it, I think out of fear of not wanting to trigger one another (we are all ultra sensitive empaths so tread very carefully with one another). I think I am writing this because I am still in this struggle and maybe wanting to know how others have processed early life verbal and physical attack? There were forms of less direct and more manipulative emotional abuse from my mother as well and this would occur when she would dissociate and split off into aspects of her own trauma, the same pattern of what her mother did to her. So this compounded the more explicit, blatant abuse I experienced. I am writing this out possibly because I minimised these experiences for so many years which was a coping mechanism. Maybe I am now trying to confront it head on. I experience flashbacks regularly, but I've been so dissociated from them I've only recently started to grasp when I am in them, if that makes any sense. Before I was just in them, so that is probably progress that some part of me can step back just enough to see I am in them now. Do others out there relate to purely visceral trauma that comes from earliest life experiences? But please don't go there if it is triggering. I find listening to musicians/songwriters who have been through similar things helps because it is a form of empathy and resonates in the body and emotions which is where I need to heal.

Empathic Husbands porn addiction
  • replies: 51

Ok, so I first came here when I needed help with my husband's depression but here I am a couple of months later and I am so traumatised and messed up in the head I don't know what to do. I knew he was alcohol addicted, I knew he was depressed but I d... View more

Ok, so I first came here when I needed help with my husband's depression but here I am a couple of months later and I am so traumatised and messed up in the head I don't know what to do. I knew he was alcohol addicted, I knew he was depressed but I didn't know he was popping prescription medicines or that he has a porn addiction too. During the course of talking to my husband and hammering him for answers I decided I would do the one thing I never imagined doing, I snooped. What I have discovered has left me in absolute ruins. In December last year over the course of 3 days he searched for and visited 52 kinky websites and signed up on 13 Kinky Dating sites. When confronted he of course denied it but I wasn't having any of it. To cut a very long story short I have discovered he is addicted to porn and has even watched it at home right under my nose. The nature of the porn has gotten worse and while I haven't actually viewed any of it judging by what he was searching for I can only imagine. My heart is shattered, my head severely messed, I cannot eat, cannot sleep due to nightmares, I have invasive thoughts - things pop into my head at any time and I'm really struggling to deal with it all. He has accepted he has a massive problem and wants to get whatever help he can. He is genuine in this and has begged me to stay and help him. The trouble is, who is going to help me? There seems to be so much out there for his addiction but all I can find is sites telling me how I'm feeling. I already know that! I need help to accept, move on and heal. I am so lost. I don't know who I am anymore, I don't know who he is anymore, I'm broken, sad, depressed and have been having crazy irrational thoughts. Is there any hope?

Bleu Childhood trauma
  • replies: 1

Hi everyone. Many stories on here are so relatable to what I went through and am still struggling with. I experienced childhood trauma DFSA, violence, bullying from siblings, emotional psychological abuse. Was treated as the family scapegoat and was ... View more

Hi everyone. Many stories on here are so relatable to what I went through and am still struggling with. I experienced childhood trauma DFSA, violence, bullying from siblings, emotional psychological abuse. Was treated as the family scapegoat and was blamed for my dads violence even though the rest of the family witnessed it. They tell everyone it was my fault and I was 14 at the time, I tried to run away but parents kept telling everyone I was a problem child and getting the police to find me. I often tried to hide at friends houses or parties. I witnessed horrific abuse towards my siblings from a very young age then it started happening to me when I got older. My siblings weren't the same after the abuse and they became bullies and often ganged up on me. I was the only one who challenged and stood up against my dads abuse. I had eating disorders, teenage drug use, hypersexuality, was coerced into SA from ppl who still try to pretend they are a friend and no one suspects them. Now in my adult years my parents have stolen my money and try to control my finances illegally (not asking for legal advice). There's no guardian orders or anything and they want invoices and receipts otherwise they won't send my money. They use my mental health as an excuse and weaponise my emotions and diagnosis to make me feel like I deserve this treatment and it's okay. I've got many ppl trying to help but my parents either ignore their emails or make up excuses for their behaviour. My parents are the source of all my mental health issues and they have financially trapped me into their care and keeping me in the abuse cycle. Struggling so much and have just been using food for comfort which effects my budget and I'm on DSP. Been trying to get ahead in life with my goals but somehow my parents find a way to sabotage my plans, I feel like they are 10 steps ahead of me and constantly try to put me down. I've struggled with friendships too and ppl have often told me I must be autistic but I think I just seem to be drawn towards other toxic ppl like how my family treat me. Healthy kind people always felt uncomfortable or unsafe. Hope all this makes sense.

Sharonne Please can someone help me
  • replies: 9

Hi, I have had a bad life and feel no matter how hard I try I always screw up eventually and no i’m In a spot where once again I have failed. I just don’t know why I can’t improve myself and stay that way. i have had to deal with violence and sexual ... View more

Hi, I have had a bad life and feel no matter how hard I try I always screw up eventually and no i’m In a spot where once again I have failed. I just don’t know why I can’t improve myself and stay that way. i have had to deal with violence and sexual & attempted sexual abuse growing up and then domestic violence as an adult. While I have managed to get away from those circumstances I keep finding ways to screw up my life. I struggle a lot with weight, keeping on track with finances and now my relationship is failing. I am not enjoying my job and suffer from anxiety a lot but wonder if perhaps I’m falling into depression. It seems to be hard to find a good Counsellor that is available more than once a month. My young son has some health and mental issues that I now also have to deal with. I have now gotten to the stage where I just cry and avoid going to work. I have to avoid billers as well as never have the money on time as have been spending it in all the wrong places and don’t realise until it’s too late. I am trying but need help, can anyone point me in the right direction please as I have 3 kids left at home that need me to get myself sorted.

Dani_85 Cptsd and where it all started
  • replies: 7

Cptsd can be a life changer and nothing ever prepares you for when or where your next trigger will hit. My life is a classic example of this horror day after day and there are some days where I wish that there could be assisted dying to rid me of thi... View more

Cptsd can be a life changer and nothing ever prepares you for when or where your next trigger will hit. My life is a classic example of this horror day after day and there are some days where I wish that there could be assisted dying to rid me of this pain My trauma story starts way back... Childhood in a narcissistic enmeshed abusive a psychotic family... My mother and her parents the primary abusers especially my mother... She would stop at nothing to ruin my life, even if it meant contacting people and partners and turning them against me so she could hopefully in her mind gain sick control over my life. She is an enmeshed undiagnosed BPD personality and has constantly tried to derail my life by either trying to bring me down with her constant negative chatter about her work or other aspects of her life in order to gain sympathy from me. When I moved away from home many years ago her end of the day phone calls were relentless. All negative. This didn't even stop when I was going through chemotherapy for lymphoma. She would call me at the hospital to dump on me. When eventually I told the nurses to field all calls. You get the picture, she is the root of my cptsd. But there are other factors that followed after she and her toxic family laid down the foundations for my trauma. They say we mirror or attract what our environment was and this was true for me until my late thirties. I am 39 now. I had three very abusive partnerships with men who cheated, lied, were physically abusive and financially abusive. After the third I saw a pattern emerging and my realisation was that I was attracting the very personality types that were imprinted on me from my upbringing. I left the third relationship and haven't had another one since. Life after covid... Well it was turned upside down and due to this factor I was forced to live with my abusive mother once again. The triggers are relentless. Anyway that is my story... Thank you for listening. With love, Dani