I've been waking up in sweat lately, I find myself crying over the past
as if it would change the outcome of today. I mourn for my innocence, I
yearn for my childhood & desire peace in lonliness. I look at my family
and a sea of nothingness washes ov...
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I've been waking up in sweat lately, I find myself crying over the past
as if it would change the outcome of today. I mourn for my innocence, I
yearn for my childhood & desire peace in lonliness. I look at my family
and a sea of nothingness washes over. I HAVE 0 Love left in me. Cutting
ties and connections have felt like the equivalent of having open wounds
then squeezing lemon juice on top to bring instant and quick relief from
pain that didn't have to be there to begin with, however I have no
ability to release this emotion in a healthier way because of that
patterns that came embedded in me its all i know.STAY quiet.Dont
Complain.Its In the PAST.WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO ABOUT ITNOW? Your
still not over it?I Called my dad when my brother inlaw forced himself
on me. I cried a pool of tears as I trembled and voiced my fears. "DAD,
I left in such a rush because I was so scared, I forgot to take my keys
can I come stay with you? What if he comes here?". .. I was met with a
response that only tore my already broken pieces into crumbs. "well! Who
told you to go there? That's what happens when you don't stay put!.
You'll be fine". I gripped that phone as if I had dug my hands into my
chest and were pumping my own heart physically. I called my mum and her
first response? " Why would you call your dad? Now he's gonna think less
off me? He doesn't deserve to know our family buisness. This is so
embarassing". I Apologiesed to my mother... for not being considerate
enough. My sister; She chose to stay with that vile creature. She went
on to justify that he had been heavily intoxicated. INTOXICATION DOES
NOT EQUATE TO RAPE. Yet sure... let's blame the alcohol. In light of all
of that. My family still chose to put a blanket over these disgusting
acts, tuck it in and proceed with the facade of "Happy family". It's
ironic really, people know us for being a 'big happy family' yet my fear
of touching people STEMS from Those very seeds known as "Family". First
it was my uncle - My mum called me a liar; My grandfather. - I was
labelled 'young a naieve" My older sister - She claimed I was insane -
My brother - No one believed me & now my brother in law. putrid ! I hate
my skin, I hate that when I sleep I need to barricade my door despite
living alone. I scrub my skin till I am red because the thought that
there is a trace of their skin that lingers on mine, repulses me. ?The
ONE other sister I confided in, used me as a pawn in her attempt to
reconnect with her ex husband as she belittled me. " WHAT AM I SUPPOSED
TO DO, Your such a winer,WHY ARE YOU SCARED? Your so DRAMATIC".she said
all of this in the car as I begged her to take me home running out of My
older sisters house 2am in the morning barefoot abandoning everything i
had arrived to her house with. I couldn't collect my thoughts fast
enough I just cried. After she dropped me off to my house claiming she
couldn't let me stay at hers because of a house guest I cried and stayed
hidden in my wardrobe... the next day I've awoken to angry texts and
calls & that same sister who claimed I had nothing to worry about is now
saying"I texted [exhusband] let him know what happened because who else
am I meant to call to protect us?".