PTSD and trauma

A space for discussing post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), domestic abuse, sexual abuse and other trauma. Please note some content may be distressing.

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A_Tech PTSD for Medical and First Responders
  • replies: 272

Hi, Well obviously this my situation. I was hoping to find others here that might have a similar background to chat with, it can be so hard to talk about this stuff with non-med people (and I mean no disrespect, it's just often graffic or upsetting t... View more

Hi, Well obviously this my situation. I was hoping to find others here that might have a similar background to chat with, it can be so hard to talk about this stuff with non-med people (and I mean no disrespect, it's just often graffic or upsetting to others). Im a 40 year old female that has spent the last 10years in the State Trauma Hospital as an Anaesthetic Technician. My PTSD was brought about after years of exposure to shocking traumas, deaths, and no support from management. I would love to hear from anyone that has a similar story, or just wants to chat. Cheers

All discussions

ecomama new person
  • replies: 2212

Hi everyone not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happie... View more

Hi everyone not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this. my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely! happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time. I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front. Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation. I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me. Thanks for reading.

Anzee EDMR
  • replies: 1

Hi, you may have read some of my story. If you haven’t, here’s the gist, I had a traumatic medical episode a few years ago and engaged with a psychologist for severe health anxiety. After a month, I started having triggers and flashbacks from my chil... View more

Hi, you may have read some of my story. If you haven’t, here’s the gist, I had a traumatic medical episode a few years ago and engaged with a psychologist for severe health anxiety. After a month, I started having triggers and flashbacks from my childhood abuse and my psychologist referred me to a service that specialised in sexual abuse but after a few sessions they said they couldn’t work with me as I was being retraumatised in my relationship and wasn’t safe. I was in deep denial about my abusive relationship as we had been together a long time and share two kids. After a while I was finally convinced to contact a DV service and after leaving for a second time late last year I have pretty much been in trauma or crisis mode. My ex has taken me to court also which I have struggled with so much as at times I’ve felt like I was living the trauma all over again. I had an amazing friend who supported me through all of it but I pushed her away because I felt like I was too much of a burden on her, I have a DV worker but we hardly ever talk, I have a supportive family services worker, but I often feel like I use her too much too and that I’m a burden so will withdraw from her support regularly. I have a supportive therapist, but because I’ve been pushing people away, I’ve managed to go pretty deep back into my denial bubble so I don’t want to face or accept the trauma I’ve been through as I feel like it puts me back into crisis, but my therapist has been encouraging me to do EMDR with me for a while now and feels it will be helpful with my PTSD and flashbacks but I just feel too scared to do it. She’s tried it with me a couple of times, the latest been last week, and because I can’t find a safe place in my internal or external life making any kind of trauma work very difficult, she has consulted other professionals in trauma and EMDR work to get some tips on how to work with me when the trauma is still so distressing for me. She was going through one of the techniques she’d had recommended to her in our last session and we got about 10 seconds into the activity and I just freaked out and said I’m not doing this, then hid my face under a pillow on her couch. She tried to talk to me about what I was feeling and encouraging me to try again but I just couldn’t look at her or communicate, it’s like I completely shut down. I just don’t know what’s wrong with me and why I can’t even try one little thing. Has anyone had a similar experience with therapy?

LivvMay My partner was disowned from his family because he chose to be with me
  • replies: 2

My partner was raised as a Jehovah’s Witness for context. To summarizewe met online and became a couple. His father spied on his phone and monitored and archived our conversations without us knowing. (He was 18 at the time.) His dad took away all of ... View more

My partner was raised as a Jehovah’s Witness for context. To summarizewe met online and became a couple. His father spied on his phone and monitored and archived our conversations without us knowing. (He was 18 at the time.) His dad took away all of his devices, constantly guilt tripped him saying he was going against Jehovah and their religion (this was because I was a Jehovah’s Witness. His father screamed and lectured him for hours. (This happened a lot.)In the end he wasn’t even allowed to leave the house anymore. He had no access to the internet or literally anything. He sat in his room staring at the wall all day barely eating or drinking.After a while his parents gave him an ultimatum. It was either stay with them and the religion or leave to stay with the worldly person and get disowned. He already made up his mind but every time he told them he would just be told “we know you will make the right decision. Think about it some more.”after a couple of months he escaped through his window in the middle of the night. He had bought another phone in secret and packed some spare clothes, then caught a plane to my state where we met in person for the first time.for two years after that he lived at my family home struggling significantly with the trauma. His father would message and call him nearly every day with more guilt tripping which kept the trauma fresh in his mind. The religion he was in taught him to believe that if he leaves the religion he was going to “die to Armageddon and that people in the outside world would prey on him like vultures.” He still believed in those teachings so he had many many panic attacks, break downs and severe dissociation periods. I was 17 at the time, still in high-school and this was my first relationship. I didn’t know how to help him at all. it was like he was an empty shell of a person. it’s now two years later since he left and he has healed so much. He is himself again and has goals in life. He still has a long way to go but he’s motivated and on the right track. he’s got his own place, a job and is in university. But recently things have been really hard. His parents are coming up here to find where he lives to see him. He is scared and is going back to his same mindset from before. It’s hard to see him so stressed and scared and I really want to help. But I don’t know what to do.Reached word limit

Centaured Centaureds story. TW
  • replies: 10

I feel like writing down some of my story might help me ease some of the pain in my head right now. Ive been on beyond blue for a while now and had a few different threads but haven't shared much of my story, or the reasons why I have developed DID. ... View more

I feel like writing down some of my story might help me ease some of the pain in my head right now. Ive been on beyond blue for a while now and had a few different threads but haven't shared much of my story, or the reasons why I have developed DID. Be mindful this post mentions different types of abuse. On the outside my childhood looked normal. I had a mum, a dad, a brother, and some extended family. And although we weren't well off, my parents still owned their home and we had food on the table.But behind closed things were falling apart. It starts at just 5. My dad was diagnosed with a serious brain tumour. It mainly effected his emotions and his body's ability to regulate itself. He was very sick, spent over 6 months in treatment. The drs got rid of his tumour but he was never the same, with serious brain damage and vision impaired. My mum became physically abusive not being able manage, or lock us up for days. I don't know what was worse. At 5 I also had a big operation in my abdomen and with things going on at home began my struggle with eating and thus I later developed an eating disorder but that is only a side note. In the years following I had issues with my grandfather, he was always touchy but I vague memories of this slowly getting worse. Then at 8-9 I was the product of incest. My brother would touch me, but in the later period this left to much more and rape. The next year my family moved states and I got away from grandfather and my brothers abuse stopped. I would withdraw into fantasy and began to dissociate a lot. Then High School came around and was difficult with very few friends and bullying and avoidance. My mum had an affair when I was 13 and then left my dad. Forcing me and my brother to live week with her week with dad. It was very destabilizing. Later on in school I became increasingly withdrawn, and began to self harm. My weight at this point was getting very low. By the end of high school my weight was critical and I made my first attempt. Ive spent the next 11 years in and out of hospital, institutions, in various therapies, seen so many different professionals, struggling to come to the conclusion that I am not not what has happened to me

Justanotherday Seems to be a never ending story
  • replies: 1

Hi, I don’t know where to turn to, then last night found this… Anyway my story started from a young girl who witnessed terrible domestic violence, left home ended up with the wrong crowd, which in turn put me on the wrong road. Ended up getting my li... View more

Hi, I don’t know where to turn to, then last night found this… Anyway my story started from a young girl who witnessed terrible domestic violence, left home ended up with the wrong crowd, which in turn put me on the wrong road. Ended up getting my life together. Had 3 beautiful kids. My mother would constantly stick her nose in my life, from telling me to have an abortion saying that I had too many children. She got into my daughters brain basically saying that I was a bad mother. My partner ended up being a loser. So I decided to leave with my 2 boys to another state. My daughter wanted to stay with mother. Until she finished her hsc.So life was going well, until I met a man who turned my life upside down. He physically & mentally abused me. My mother instead of coming up to help me, brainwashed the children to come and stay with her. I fell pregnant to this nasty man. The police told me that he had done this to so many other women. So I felt trapped in this situation. Long story short I ended up having him locked up for 6 months. I came back to my mothers house. Was working and everything was fine. When the time came for him to be released. I became so terrified. I left my mums home afraid for the safety of my children. I didn’t realise I had PTSD. So badly I was hearing voices. I came back to my mothers home after 6 months. She called the police on me in front of my children for telling her I would do something to her and her phone, as she was following me around the house recording me. She had me committed and I was released with nothing wrong. She threw me out on the street with no where to go. I had nothing and no one. I have got my life together now and told her that I would be getting a place close to the kids school. She told me to f*** off and not come back. She is telling my children nasty things about me. She is not a good guardian and instead of helping us recover from this, she has just caused more emotional drama. To me this is abuse and I consider this worse than the abuse I went through with that man. I don’t see the sense in living anymore. I’m not suicidal, though what’s the point.

EventuallyMe Hello
  • replies: 2

My life has been a roller-coaster of unfortunate circumstances. I'll focus on the last few months for today. I finally got the courage to leave my ex after over a decade of abuse both mentally and physically. I tried to talking to people about it pre... View more

My life has been a roller-coaster of unfortunate circumstances. I'll focus on the last few months for today. I finally got the courage to leave my ex after over a decade of abuse both mentally and physically. I tried to talking to people about it previously but was brushed off as he came off Nice or quiet in front of others how can someone like that be doing the things I'm saying. He has made it hard every step of the way to leave him. I tried leaving him in the past the first couple times I didn't because he said he would kill himself and then that change to you wouldn't leave me, I'm all you have. Noone loves you ect. Is there any services I could contact?

Searching_4_Hope Perth Support Group
  • replies: 1

Hi All, I have been dealing with porn addiction/entitlement for a number of years and it has affected every relationship I have ever had and most importantly my current marriage. I’m looking for a support group here in Perth or an accountability part... View more

Hi All, I have been dealing with porn addiction/entitlement for a number of years and it has affected every relationship I have ever had and most importantly my current marriage. I’m looking for a support group here in Perth or an accountability partner. Any help you can provide will be greatly appreciated.

Sudden Depression
  • replies: 2

I have been on antidepressants for about 45yrs, I suffer from PTSD,I am in an abusive relationship, I have been physically and mentally abused by my husband and my daughter over the years. I did leave but returned.i am now on the aged pension after w... View more

I have been on antidepressants for about 45yrs, I suffer from PTSD,I am in an abusive relationship, I have been physically and mentally abused by my husband and my daughter over the years. I did leave but returned.i am now on the aged pension after working my all my life,my husband cannot work in his profession any more due to allergies, he is working casually but now not enough to cover the bills, I'm going to try and get a job ,but I'm so down at the moment the thought of working again is giving me anxiety, what ever I try to achieve I am constantly belittled. I have moment,s of brightness and I like my home, I have always been able to make decision,s but at the moment I can't concentrate,any advice would be appreciated thankyou

Anzee Stuck
  • replies: 89

Hi, my two daughters and I have left their dad a few times now, but this time around I felt like I really didn’t have much choice to leave as I was being threatened by services if I didn’t leave. We spent 4 months in 8 different crisis properties and... View more

Hi, my two daughters and I have left their dad a few times now, but this time around I felt like I really didn’t have much choice to leave as I was being threatened by services if I didn’t leave. We spent 4 months in 8 different crisis properties and refuge spread out across the state. We experienced some awful things during that time, including further abuse somewhere we were meant to feel safest. Anyways a court ruled it wasn’t sustainable for us to continue moving around, so we got the house back and their dad had to leave. But he just continues to find ways to control where and how we live without even having contact with us. He made it so he owns everything we have and we can’t escape him. We have been homeless on more than one occasion so I’m too scared to even just cut our losses with the house and walk away with nothing because I can’t go back to having nowhere to live and living out of suitcases, always on the move. But even with a full no contact IVO he still has that control over us and I feel like I’m just going to end up going back to him because it’s more predictable than being controlled by a far. I have no idea what his next plans are to sabotage us and he’s always two steps ahead, so I am in constant fear waiting for the next thing he’s going to throw us. He has moved on (likely only a couple of weeks after we left, whilst telling me how much he loved us and wanted us back etc etc) and I have been talking to someone new recently but I’m so scared that if he found out we’d all be in danger. So I feel like he just continues on with his life, no responsibility for the kids (which is a good thing and what’s safest) he sees who and does what he wants but at the same time still holds so much power and control over me/ us. I want to be able to move forward but as well as being so scared he won’t be able to accept that, I just don’t feel like I can risk that homelessness. Both main times we left I have applied for rental after rental and in different areas and have been turned down by every one. I just feel like I’m so trapped under his control still while he’s out there free to live his life. All of the support workers including the police have suggested because of the severity, I should make criminal charges against him but I still defended him and his behaviour to every one I’ve worked with because I do still love him and he is the father of my children but he just continues to screw me over any chance he gets, but I know I’m stuck with him.

Antjam82 PTSD or grief?
  • replies: 3

On NYE my teenaged son and his best friend went swimming in the river by our property, they were in for less than 5 min when I heard screams of help. Our sons friend was struggling to keep his head above water. They were both screaming help. My husba... View more

On NYE my teenaged son and his best friend went swimming in the river by our property, they were in for less than 5 min when I heard screams of help. Our sons friend was struggling to keep his head above water. They were both screaming help. My husband and I raced down to help, our son tried desperately to drag his friend to shore but started going under himself, he barely made it out, we saw his friend drop like a stone and as soon as we reached the river we jumped in to get him but we couldn't find him in the murky water. We tried so hard. Community members came running. People in boats, kayaks, jet skis, swimmers who had been swimming there all day, everyone searching desperately. Police were called and Police divers tried to find him. They had all the gear and were looking right where he was but he wasn't found until the police boat with sonar arrived the next day. Right where he went down. 7m deep. I just can't comprehend that we were right there and he was right there, we tried so hard and we couldn't find him. We were so close but we couldn't save him. I know it's only been a few days but we've been through loss before including young people in tragic circumstances, but nothing this traumatic. I know grief takes time. I know it's hard. But this is brutal. The waves of devastation at the fact he was an amazing kind wonderful 15 yr old boy with his whole life ahead of him and the thought of what his mother and father and siblings are going through is horrific but that feels like normal grief to me. The fact it could have been my son instead or as well is a gut punch but it feels normal that I should feel that way. I keep having flashbacks. I keep hearing him screaming help. I keep seeing him disappear below the water. I keep feeling the water close around me as I dove in desperately grasping for him and finding nothing but water. I can't sleep. Nightmares wake me constantly. Sometimes from my perspective sometimes from his. This doesn't feel normal. My husband and our son are devastated but seem to be processing it. Our son and another friend took kayaks back to the spot where it happened yesterday to share a quiet moment. My husband went with them. It was a desperately sad moment but they did it and seemed to be the better for it. I couldn't go. Just not coping at all.