30 years and I finally told someone about my sexual abuse

[DavidS]

I'm 42 and 30 years after I started being sexually Abused I finally told someone,  my wife after being together for 19 years. 

For the last 2 years I have been getting flashbacks,  this has caused major relationship issues,  trying to block it out of my mind,  this has caused my labidobto to basically disappear, I have neglected my wife's needs for intimacy,  being caring,  support for her needs.  We have been so close numerous times to splitting for good,  I've had thoughts of ending it all.  I've been to doctors,  psychologists and Havnt been truthfully and told them  what happened to me as a child,  I didn't think it mattered,  I thought I deserved what happened to me,  I was the fat kid without many friends and who would believe me? 

The pain,  anxiety the feelings of anger and disgust are haunting me, I've tried to keep it together for so long which has caused more problems,  my wife has asked if I have had an affair with men or women,  I haven't! I went to see a doctor today with my wife,  he has referred me to a psychologist,  I have been taking anti depressants for  over a year and they have made me worse,  I've cried when my wife has asked me why I don't do anything for her,  why do I treat her like shit all the time (I'm not abusive or violent)  I don't take her anywhere or do nice things for her,  but I do things for the very few friends I have and I don't have an answer for why I didn't thus. 

We had an argument this afternoon and I stormed out,  I don't know what to do,  u went back to work (I'm self employed)  told my staff to deal with whatever this afternoon and I'm just sitting feeling very emotional and pissed off I've upset my wife again 

[pipsy]

Hi DavidS.  Welcome to the forums.  I'm so sorry you went through such a traumatic event.  Was the abuser a friend or relation?  When someone abuses us, they take great delight in telling us, we won't be believed because we're 'stupid, fat, ignorant', or they're abusing us because we've 'asked' for it.  They also threaten that if we do tell, the punishment will be far greater than the original abuse.  It's therefore, hardly surprising you're suffering now with flashbacks and possible anger towards your wife.  You did not ask for the abuse, it was not your fault, please, please believe that.  It's so important you do not take responsibility for what happened.  It's sad you had no-one you could tell, and you were so afraid, your abuser had an open field with you.  What you need to do is contact the victims of sexual abuse line (totally anonymously, if you like) and discuss with them everything that happened.  They will not judge you, I haven't.  I think also you need to quietly explain to your wife that the reason you treat her so bad is because with everything that's happened, she's the only one you can 'lash' out at.  The guilt and anger you feel are because you were so brainwashed at such a young age.  When we're hurt by someone we're supposed to be able to trust and we can't hurt them back, we lash out at the first available person (in this case your wife).  Obviously your wife doesn't fully understand how much damage was done psychologically by repeated attacks.  When do you see your psychologist again, take your wife, please tell her everything, she has to know in order to help and understand how betrayed and hurt and angry you are.   Once you feel more comfortable and are getting the help you need, I believe your libido will return and the love you want to give your wife will happen.    

I think BB may know the phone number for victims of sexual abuse. 

Also, if there's anything further I can do, don't hesitate to contact me here.

[Guest_2350]

Dear David,

I feel with you. There are many parallels in our stories. We are both at the beginning of this journey and the pressure on us is very high, in our mind dealing with the past, with our family and with our work. Often I get out of bed during the night because my head feels like it will explode and I constantly feel like my life is falling apart around me and I feel incapable of stopping it. It is all very confusing for me, as I seemed to have coped so many years and now I am not - you and me are the same age group.

Please know that you are not alone.

The biggest step for me was to contact ASCA - Adult Survivors of Childhood Abuse. They have great phone counsellors (male and female) and I found they really helped me when I was getting desperate. And they are still there for me now. They are specialised in this kind of trauma and I felt more comfortable to talk to them and let them help me find appropriate help. I also found it helpful to call a specialist helpline, as I did not have to explain why I was calling - they do not have to ask a hundred questions to figure out that there was abuse in your childhood - that is a given when you call them.

Whether I like it or not, I do have a psychiatrist looking after my medication and adjusting it as we go. I am not sure when or why a GP hands over management of medication to a psych, but at least I know the psych specialises in this kind of stuff. It takes a while to get an appointment, so it might make sense for you to talk to your GP about this.

One piece of advise I received the other day is to not make radical decisions at the moment, whether in my private life, at work, with my family etc. Take your time and ask for time. If you feel comfortable enough to take your wife to the GP, I think that is great. Our current life has a major impact on our recovery.

Please also remember that you are safe now. Both you and me are safe. We are survivors. We are safe now.

I wish you all the best for your journey. Take good care of yourself and don't forget that we live in the here and now, no matter how hard it is to see that when we get flashbacks.

Take care, Yggy

[topsy_]

Hello,

I've been through the same things also. The only difference is that I am older now but I was in my late 30's when I began to deal with the childhood abuse.

Early on I was told that I had proved I was strong by surviving & that meant I would be strong enough to go through all the counselling etc. While I could see the intellectual sense of that, it made me so incredibly angry to think that I was going to have to work that hard again to heal.

Anyway it is possible to heal. I wish you strength, determination & much support & guidance, Lyn.

[Solosombra]

Hello David

I too am just starting to deal with child hood abuse which started at age 10 through till 13 and I'm 26 now, not as long as you held it in but I do know what you must be feeling and thinking.

The flashbacks for me started up 3 years ago and started to affect the intimacy in my relationships too, it got too the point where I would cringe and break out into a sweat of I was touched which made my partner at the time self conscious.

Which made me curse myself internally for doing that too her. I guess what I'm trying to say is I get the frustration and I hope you find the strength to go on brother! Always here if you need an ear.