Please help

[HNM]

Hi I am from India and have been married for 6+ years. As my was an arranged marriage things were very different before marriage. As it was a long distance relationship as my husband was in Australia and I was in UK we got engaged for almost a year and then got married. I never lived or had a chance to live with his parents. But after the marriage things were very different. After the marriage things started becoming bad. So eventually I came to Australia and my in laws came after a month of my arrival (2013) since then things have become from bad to worse. My husband applied for there visa so that they can live unconditionally here. From the past 4 years we are living together. As my husband is in Fly In Fly Out (fifo) so he is just in house for weekends.
My in laws they interfere in each and every thing. From the start of my marriage both of them always try to let me down in front of everybody. It's my house but I had to ask or seek permission from them to do something. If I am doing something they will tell me that the way I am doing the things is wrong and then make a fuss of it. First when they started living with us I use to avoid everything and if they say something I use to avoid it. I have never raised my voice or disrespected them. But they have problem with everything. It seems like this is not my house or my life I am staying on rent. I have no body for my support. I used to talk to my husband but now he has said to me that you have to live with them so handle it itself. Front the start of my marriage I have been facing so many difficulties that after 3 years of marriage we were about to get divorced.

My relationship with my husband is getting bad. We do not talk to each other. It's just when we talk we fight. I am in such a condition that I can not live with them or leave them as I have a four year old son who loves his father. I dont know what to do. I am always crying and feeling frustrated about it.

Thanks

[Peppermintbach]

Hi HNM,

I really feel for you. You sound lonely and frustrated. I understand that things are very tense at home with your in-laws, and as you said, with no one to support you...I feel that’s very hard on you....

Your home doesn’t really sound like much of a home at the moment. I imagine you would feel constantly nervous and on edge, because of the disapproval & judgement from your in-laws. I feel that’s a really difficult home environment to be in...

You sound as though you’ve tried your best to be patient and respectful too. But it seems as though they’re impossible to please...

My heritage is also eastern (mixed Asian heritage), and I understand how a certain reverence towards older generations is something that is often expected in many eastern cultures .

That being said, I also understand that there’s a fine line between reverence for older generations (e.g. some in-laws who can sometimes be impossible to please) and maintaining our own self respect and mental health. I suppose what I’m trying to say is I get it, and that I know it can be a real challenge...

I feel this is a tricky situation, and I admittedly don’t really have any suggestions. But I’m happy to talk this through with you (if that works for you)?

I have extended family who have in-laws who, in many ways, behave in a similar way to yours...it hasn’t been easy for them.

Kindness and care,

Pepper

[HNM]

Hi Pepper,

Thank you so much for taking time for replying. I really appreciate it.
I feel suffocated and ignored. I have always tried to be with them whenever they need. I did everything and stood by them , whatever they want I was there to give them. But in return what I got is this. My relationship with my husband is getting from bad to worse. He is in FIFO we do not even talk to each other unless it's very important. I have been crying and thinking about it. I feel so helpless as i can not do anything.
I talk to my parents and of course they are in india so they can not do much. All they can do is talk to my husband that's it.
My patience is getting over now. All I wanted is respect which I never got from them. My husband and I we only fight about his parents. We rarely fight about our stuff. It's always about his parents and his sister's. He said that I have completed all his dreams living with parents good job good house everything. What about my dreams?

It's just life is becoming a burden now....

Kind Regards

[quirkywords]

HNM,

I too welcome you to the forum.

It must be so hard and frustrating feeling like you are being ignored and doing everything that was and is expected of you but not being appreciated.

As you say, what about you what about your dreams. ?

Can you tell me what are your dreams?

How would you be able to live with your husband and husband’s parents while still be able to follow your dreams. What do you think would need to happen?

Thanks for sharing your story.

Quirky

[Peppermintbach]

Hi HNM,

You sound drained, frustrated and unsupported. I’m glad Quirky has kindly joined the conversation to support you 🙂

It sounds like your relationship has been very much one-sided. You give and you compromise, yet your husband and his parents just take from you. In his parents case, they just keep demanding more from you...what you give us never enough...they always want more...

As Quirky suggested, I wonder if you have tried talking to your husband about a middle ground of sorts. One where you would both be able to achieve your dreams...I wonder, is that a possibility or are your respective dreams mutually exclusive?

Kindness and care to you..

Pepper