Difficulty making close friends

[Tezza79]

Hi,

im not sure if I’m posting in the right place.

Today really hit me hard. My wife is working late shift, and last night I heard my wife crying to one of her friends oversea that she misses her.

Me and my wife moved to Australia 6 years ago. I love Australia but to this day we still find it really hard to make those close net work of friends that we both have had in the past.

We are both Christian’s and attend church, I play sports, I’m a pretty social individual for a 41 year old 😀but it is still very difficult to make those close friendships where you can go out and have a drink and talk about everything and anything. At church everyone great on the outside but they seem to have their clicks. When I m asked how I’m doing and im honest I just get that glazed look then the conversation changes subject.

i know people but I seperate myself from them as they try and be controlling and be manipulative. There are other people we know and we discuss about going away and do things such as camping etc which they all agree to, but when the time comes to actually doing such activities the excuses come out or we get ignored. It’s very frustrating and hurtful.

We recently went on a trip down the coast and my five year old daughter even commented how come we don’t have friends that come away with us so she can play with their kids.

My wife is pretty strong headed and says all of this has made her become emotional detached from people. I love this country and love everything about it I just wish I had that bond with people. I can’t rely on my wife as my only friend, my sports and my job all my life. On top of this I’m struggling to make any decent income in my job and it’s all started to effect me mentally.

If anyone can share their experiences, or how they overcome this it would be awesome.

thanks

[quirkywords]

Tezza

Welcome to the forum. You made a thread so well done.

I have lived inAustralia but this year moved to a another town.

I have missed my Community from my old town. Due to covid I had not meet my neighbours or friends.
Of course it would be much harder fo you. We have invited people, but never been invited back. I am older so thought may be it is harder. I do volunteer work and we may join a community group. I have not given up hope.

is there some interest group you can join, or drama, walking group. If you have a dog that is a way to meet people. If your child goes to school do you meet parents of her friends.

I know that it is hard to bond with people but I a m sure it will happen.
do you have friends with people who share your culture and language.?

welcome again .

[Tezza79]

Hi
In the past I tried to join groups etc but it was too hard to keep going as my my wife works shifts, I would need to be at home to look after my little girl. I have met a few dads but they seem to be busy. I’ve got some good friends from home who live in qld. we talk a bit. It’s a possibility that we may move up there in the future.

[quirkywords]

Tezza it is hard and I hope it improves for you.

[Guest_1643]

Hi Tezza - welcome to the forum
I have lived in other countries myself and although I haven't had a hard time making aquaintances, I find it impossible to meet friends who enter my life in a way that feels real - I've been burnt before as well and invested in friendships and had the same experience you describe - wow

I can totally understand what you say - that they make the plans and all is hunkydory and then somehow it never happens...

I'm really sorry for the isolation you guys feel as it sounds like it's not your fault and just the circumstance. I'm really sorry it's so hard to find the right friends.... i don't know the answer but can empathise.

[ThoughfulOne]

Hi Tezza

Well done on reaching out. It's hard to be connected with a church when they don't really understand (or try to).

The below is a reflection of my own personal experience, and may not reflect yours so apologies of I'm off on the wrong track! Please disregard what is irrelevant or uninteresting!

We had a similar issue as a family and have also struggled to find friends.

I hoped the people at my church would understand our predicament (we were in a cult prior). I realised they have very little experience outside the church and had actually led rather sheltered lives. The reality was I think they didn't know what to do with me, because I was stuck between moving out of a cult, trying to adopt their theology, while also not trusting the institution. They didn't know how to talk to me, because they couldn't relate, and I can't blame them for that.

I was excluded from events too and I'm still not sure why. I always tried to be inclusive, happy, caring and fun. I just don't think their experiences and ours really gelled.

I found the manipulation to be suffocating, and detrimental to my own mental health. I've since left that church and have found it difficult to find another. I think my trust has gone, but still haven't given up faith!

One thing that worked for me during this was finding hobbies, crafts, local community centres, sports and friendship outside of church. While some are not particularly close friends, there is the ability to hang out with them and they actually seek to enjoy my company. I only have a couple of people I have D&Ms with, and they are really family. I have one hobby which is a place to go and have fun with people I normally wouldn't and the other is for my career development (while still gaining friendships).

Looking back I wonder if I expected too much from them, when really multiple networks can work together to fill all my needs.

There is definitely hope out there. It just may take a while to find a place you feel you truly belong. I'm sure you and your wife find a place/s that accepts and cherished you for who you are.