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Chris_B Welcome to the Multicultural Experiences section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, Welcome to the Multicultural Experiences section, a sub-forum within the wider beyondblue forum community. beyondblue acknowledges and respects the diversity of communities across Australia, including Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islande... View more

Hi everyone, Welcome to the Multicultural Experiences section, a sub-forum within the wider beyondblue forum community. beyondblue acknowledges and respects the diversity of communities across Australia, including Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people as the First Australians. beyondblue also recognises the complexities of identity and that people may identify with more than one community. Depression, anxiety and suicide can affect any of us at any time – regardless of our culture or background. We also know that a range of factors can make it harder for people in some communities to seek and access support. This section is for members born overseas, are the children of parents born overseas, have a language other than English as your primary language, or come from a family with mixed cultural heritage. Please be aware that posts in this forum may contain discussions of suicide, self-harm and/or traumatic life events. As per our community rules, please be mindful when posting about the level of detail you share on these topics as it can be upsetting for other members. We look forward to hearing your stories. Become a Multicultural Correspondent Are you from a culturally and linguistically diverse (CALD) background? Are you interested in being a regular contributor to this section? We are seeking members who will actively participate in discussions and start up new threads on topics of interest to CALD communities (6-10 quality posts per week). Please get in touch with our team to discuss.

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Donte How’s falling in love viewed in your culture?
  • replies: 2

Someone told me tonight that we fall in love with at least three people in our lifetime. That’s why most Christian denominations allow up to three marriages! This made me think of the idea of love and particularly in terms of enhancing our wellbeing ... View more

Someone told me tonight that we fall in love with at least three people in our lifetime. That’s why most Christian denominations allow up to three marriages! This made me think of the idea of love and particularly in terms of enhancing our wellbeing and mental health but also the aspects of love that could be detrimental and play a role in our demise. There is a popular belief where I come from that the first love is the most powerful. It defines you, shapes you, changes you and impacts you forever. Songs, literature, art etc praise and glorify this youthful love. This Love happens at a young age and you eventually grow apart or call it quits over silly things. When you get older you may look back and think wow! What a love! Or you may look at it with your adult eyes decades later and feel that perhaps it wasn’t love at all. But it was probably love for what you knew love to be. The Greeks have various words to describe different kinds of love. You see, they recognized from thousands of years ago that there are different depths of love and variety of expressions of each one. The second love is meant to be the hard one. You get hurt in this one. This love teaches you lessons and makes you stronger. This love includes great pain, lies, betrayal, abuse, drama and damage. Most of our popular cultural is fixated on this type of love. But this is the one where you grow. You realize what you love about love and what you don’t love about love. Now you know the difference between good and bad humans. Now you become careful, closed, cautious and considerate. You learn exactly what you want and don’t want. You learn to love yourself as a result. The third love is one that comes blindly. No warning. It creeps on you silently. You don’t go looking for this love. It comes to you. You can put up any wall you want, it will be broken down. You’ll find yourself caring about that person without trying. They look nothing like your usual crush types, but you get lost in their eyes daily. You see beauty in their imperfections. You hide nothing from them. You truly love them. What’s your experience in the love department? Have those periods when you were in love affected your well-being in a positive way? How about falling out of love? What then? Is love enough? What is Love? What did you grow up believing? And do your experiences match those notions and beliefs?

Donte Serial bride! Or how culture and religion conditions women to feel inadequate without belonging to a husband.
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I used to be married to a woman who loved the idea of being married. Like people who are in love with the idea of being in love, she just loves getting married! She loves the white wedding dress and the flowers and the church ceremony and the recepti... View more

I used to be married to a woman who loved the idea of being married. Like people who are in love with the idea of being in love, she just loves getting married! She loves the white wedding dress and the flowers and the church ceremony and the reception and the gifts and the rings she has collected over the years! Don’t take me wrong. I’m not judging her. I’m just using her as an example for the purposes of this thread to highlight the influence of certain cultural and religious notions and how they affect certain individuals, particularly women and especially when a mental illness plays a role too. So back to my ex wife: she was married once before she married me. Then fifteen years later, after our separation, she got married again! (Within months of our divorce!) After a few years and an extramarital affair, she left her third husband for another guy and went to live with him overseas. So she married again! A couple of years later, when the marriage fell apart, she returned to Australia, and remarried the husband she had left behind. (The one she married after our separation)...This marriage also fell apart within a year and then she met her current partner, and guess what? She’s about to get married again! Just found out from my daughter that ‘Mum is getting married again!’ So, putting the mental health issues aside, what is it that makes a woman feel that ‘the right thing’ is to be married? Why certain individuals cannot be by themselves? What type of messages has society and religion given to women particularly and their role in our communities? We glorify the ‘Mother’ and train our young girls from very early on through fairy tales and fables that one day ‘the Prince’ will come and rescue them and they’ll live happily ever after. Two women get murdered by their intimate partners in Australia each week! I guess not all Princes are noble. How can we teach our girls that their self-worth is not based on raising babies? That ‘settling down’ and living ‘happily ever after’ is not the ultimate goal in life no matter what sex you are. Particulatly in certain cultural and religious settings where women are seen as ‘helpers’ and meant to be subordinate to their husbands and definitely not viewed as equal partners, how can we give empower them? How can we provide them with choices - be it in reproduction, education, career, relationships etc? What’s your experience and do you believe that this conditioning disadvantages and discriminates against women?

Donte When technology brings the generations closer even if they are miles apart.
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I am a ‘sandwich’ generation. The term is often used for middle aged people who have depended children at home and elderly parents simultaneously. As people nowadays in Australia live an average ten years longer than in the 50’s due to advances in me... View more

I am a ‘sandwich’ generation. The term is often used for middle aged people who have depended children at home and elderly parents simultaneously. As people nowadays in Australia live an average ten years longer than in the 50’s due to advances in medications and scientific and technological breakthroughs, and as young adult children stay at home well into their 30s due to cost of living and completing double degrees, post-graduates etc, the middle generation is the one who juggles caring for both while still trying to maintain their own careers and relationships. We often hear about the impact on the carers being overburdened by being stuck in this situation, in the middle. However, there are also benefits. I’d like to share to you a recent experience that took place over VIBER, the APP that allows you to chat, send pictures and videos and Skype for free no matter where you are on the planet. One day I received a text from my mother who lives in Greece with my father since my daughter was born 22 years ago and our contact is minimal to non-existent. She had joined VIBER and sent me a request to chat! This is my 73yo mother whom I haven’t been in touch with for over two decades! Out of curiosity I asked my daughter what Viber is! She couldn’t believe I didn’t know! ‘ Gotta love old people and technology!’ she said! _’Umm, excuse me’, I replied. ‘Who are you calling old?’ (After all it was my old mother who had made contact through this APP! Suddenly it dawn upon me: I’m the sandwich generation! Young for my parents. Old for my daughter. Learning from both generations, the one before me and the one after me! Upon establishing communication we now exchange pics and videos of our dogs and our dinners and share more than we have ever shared in decades! The other day my father also added me on Viber! Admittedly, it was awkward as I don’t remember three things I’ve done with my father. However, after the first awkwardness melted away we started relating in a way we never have. In his last chat he told me that he is proud of me because no matter what challenge life has thrown at me, I have a way of turning it to an opportunity. This resilience is a true gift, he said, and he admires me for it! Well, that was a surprise to say the least! I thanked him for his kind words and even though in my fifties I don’t actually crave parental approval, it was nice hearing this from my otherwise absent father. Will technology save us in the end?

blueskye You deserve a break
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I think lots of us push ourselves too hard - tiring our bodies, minds, and spirit. We can get swamped by all the deadlines, work, and misfortunes... Life can be hard sometimes. You deserve a break. Last month, I was fortunate to travel to New Zealand... View more

I think lots of us push ourselves too hard - tiring our bodies, minds, and spirit. We can get swamped by all the deadlines, work, and misfortunes... Life can be hard sometimes. You deserve a break. Last month, I was fortunate to travel to New Zealand. I saved up and splashed my earnings. I had a wonderful time. I also had limited access to WI-FI, which was a blessing in itself. My focus was 100% on my friends and the fun times I was having, instead of worrying about work or university. My holiday made me realize that I'm a lot happier when I'm on break. But how can I take more breaks when I can't afford non-stop holidays? Breaks aren't limited to holidays. I'm trying to spend some time each day doing relaxing stuff by myself. I watch some youtube videos and read books. What will you be doing to give yourself more breaks??

Donte Helping a friend to help a friend relate better with his partner who is a relative of his.
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Hi all, A friend was telling me about a family member (she’s Macedonian) who’s living with a German guy. Even though they’re not married, they’ve been a couple for over fifteen years and have three children. The situation is that the lady is the only... View more

Hi all, A friend was telling me about a family member (she’s Macedonian) who’s living with a German guy. Even though they’re not married, they’ve been a couple for over fifteen years and have three children. The situation is that the lady is the only one on the lease and pays the rent and all the bills. She’s also the one doing all the grocery shopping and maintains the household. Her partner works full time but refuses to be on the lease or contribute financially or in any other way. It has been like this from day one. Their love life is almost non existent and the only reason that this woman apparently remains in this arrangement is because she cannot be alone and suffers severe depression and anxiety and has huge abandonment issues. Her first husband was very abusive and there was a lot of domestic violence in their marriage which ended when she met her current partner. Clearly some of the cultural conditioning for her has been around the need to be with someone. To have a husband or partner is better than not have anyone according to her. Her role as a woman is to manage her household and provide for her children and family. The fact that she’s run away from a violent relationship to an abusive one where she’s taken for granted and her partner seems to enjoy a non-committed arrangement that benefits him financially with minimal input or emotional investment is been overlooked. For him, the fact that they’re not married makes him feel he still has the right to live like a bachelor who shares a roof for free in her home. He also has a gambling problem and often uses her money for that purpose. My friend told me that she’s often very upset and in desperation not sure what to do. She is petrified to remain alone with her children (who love and adore her partner) but also feels used and unappreciated and suffers from sleeplessness, weight issues due to emotional eating, very low self-esteem and feeling trapped. My friend doesn’t know what to do to help her. He was talking to me about it asking me what would I do if I was in his position. My friend also is friends with this guy and she always tells him to not say anything to him as she’s scared to rock the boat and doesn’t want trouble or to be abandoned in the event he decides to leave. How would you advice this friend? What could I do to help him help this lady but also maintain his friendship with his friend?

Donte Who or what is your benchmark?
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Today has been one of those days that the weather can deceive you greatly. Opened my blinds upon waking up and saw the cloudy sky with dark clouds above. When I opened my windows the wind swept through the house and even though it isn’t cold, the tem... View more

Today has been one of those days that the weather can deceive you greatly. Opened my blinds upon waking up and saw the cloudy sky with dark clouds above. When I opened my windows the wind swept through the house and even though it isn’t cold, the temperature has surely dropped a lot since the high 30s we had yesterday. After my morning coffee, I decided to take my pup for his long overdue walk! (It's past midday and we usually go for a walk early each morning). Gotta love the Sunday sleep ins. Undecisive of what to wear as the sudden drop in temperature always throws me out of orbit, I put on a track suit and grabbed a jacket as you can never be prepared in this city with the unpredicability of weather and especially in autumn. Upon walking to the park I started observing what others were wearing to find out if my judgement was right. (You know how we continually compare ourselves with those around us in order to feel normal?). Anyway, some were in summer attire while others were wearing long sleeves or light jackets. As I said, it’s very hard to align yourself with the elements when you live in this city. Upon arriving at the park the sun started appearing shyly but steadily behind the heavy clouds as the wind pushed the darkness away towards the north. Simultaneously I felt the level of humidity rising. I became progressively hotter and hotter and started taking layers off. I was yet once more unprepared for this weather. I wasn’t ready. I miscalculated and misjudged the situation. I based my decision on whatever I thought was happening instead of checking the weather report and getting the facts prior to making my decision. So, how often does this happen to us in so many other areas of our life? Relationships, children, work, health, mental health etc. How often we are influenced by external factors? Culture, religion, family, friends, peers etc becoming our benchmark. We compare and judge our appearance, performance, issues etc with everyone else’s to find out if we are ok, to define ourselves, to evaluate our situation. And we often get it wrong. We fail. We get deceived. We overthink and criticize and lose our calm. The world steals our peace because we look for our measurement at something ‘out there’ instead of something inside us. How can we learn to listen to our intuition, our mind and our heart? How can we stop comparing and judging ourselves according to what others tell us and tap into who we truly are? I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Donte How to decipher between culturally acceptable behavior and problematic behavior?
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Hello all, I have an Indian family living directly downstairs from my apartment. We are friendly with each other and in the odd ocassion we might borrow some sugar or a lemon etc. A couple of times we have had a cup of tea and/or visits. The family, ... View more

Hello all, I have an Indian family living directly downstairs from my apartment. We are friendly with each other and in the odd ocassion we might borrow some sugar or a lemon etc. A couple of times we have had a cup of tea and/or visits. The family, young couple with a baby, have their elderly parents live with them. It’s a very small two bedroom place. The sounds of the baby crying mixed with music from Bollywood movies (the tv is always very loud), and laughter often mingles with conversations and the delicious curry smell that permeates the building. Not sure if this is the elderly couple’s home and the young family has moved in or vice versa. There is also a younger brother (not sure if he’s the young mother’s brother or the father’s) that either lives there or visits and stays often. I have met him a few times and his manner varies dramatically from friendly to indifferent to overpowering and challenging. I’m not sure if it’s the lack of English or lacking in social skills but there’s definitely something odd in his demeanor. Here and there you can hear shouting and what sounds like arguments in another tongue. Again, not clear from whom. The other day I was returning a washed plate, from a delicious meal they had prepared and offered me a taste to thank me for bringing them a plate of moussaka that I had cooked, and the younger son happened to open the door. He seemed aggressive and his behavior/mannerisms and language were a bit intimidating. I certainly was taken aback! The look in his eyes scared me and he was saying something in a language I couldn’t understand. The others in the household seemed to carry on as normal and ignored him but I just couldn’t stop thinking about it afterwards. I was pondering if I should say anything. Ask them. Or if this may not be appropriate and I come across as intruding. They seem nice people, hospitable and caring. Overall it’s great having them as neighbors. Always smiling and gesturing in a friendly manner. Their flat door is always wide open and as you walk up or down the stairs you cannot not sense their presence in the building. I’m just not sure anymore after this incident how to approach them. Should I continue as usual, as if I’m not bothered or worried, as if this incident didn’t affect me? I’m not clear if they need support either. Or if the young man has mental health issues that are undiagnosed or not managed properly. Any ideas? Is this culturally acceptable or is intervention required?

Donte When families put religion and traditions over their children.
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When my partner died five years ago at the age of 39 it was an unfathomable experience and one no one prepares you for. Death is unfathomable no matter what culture you are from and whatever belief system you hold. It’s one thing to have ideas about ... View more

When my partner died five years ago at the age of 39 it was an unfathomable experience and one no one prepares you for. Death is unfathomable no matter what culture you are from and whatever belief system you hold. It’s one thing to have ideas about death and it’s a totally another to have to face it, especially in the eyes of your soul mate and life partner. Things can be tougher when you are gay and your relationship is frowned upon by your family and relatives. And when you are in a cross cultural relationship. And when your partner dies of AIDS. And when you are forced to face your own mortality as a hiv+ person together with the death of your loved one. I met his mum and twin sister and his older brother and the numerous relatives of his at the funeral. For two decades he hadn’t spoken to any of them due to their religiosity and the stigma attached to being gay with certain religious circles. He was also from rural area so there was additional pressures and challenges. Was kicked out at 15. Caught in the act with another dude. He never returned. He hated them all. He hated their religion and their god. But above all he hated their small minds. After a week in intensive care and when the prognosis was very bleak, I was wondering when to contact his family. I was the next of kin. His partner of almost a decade. After his death I contacted his mother and sister for the very first time, introduced my self and told them the news. They asked me to do the eulogy at his funeral as no one they said, knew him better than me. They were deeply devastated for his premature death but relieved that he had found love, a family and a home for all these years. Wish he was here to see how they’ve embraced me and treat me now. Better than my own family whom I have almost nothing to do with. Yet, this young man died without family supporting him, excommunicated and abandoned by his parents and relatives for being born gay. Simply because their god didn’t accept him. He died with the pain of the stigma engraved deeply within his heart. He had internalized their homophobia and had turned it into self hatred and destructive addictive behaviors which eventually claimed his life. Often, families do not realize the destruction they do to their children or they’re too indifferent to care as religion and culture and traditions become more important than the lives of their loved ones. My family is no different. I’m sure you know others in the same predicament.

Donte No reason needed to be depressed.
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I’m sitting on a bench in the park and suddenly a big branch fell from a tree nearby. I looked to see if there was a possum or something but couldn’t find anything that could have caused this branch to break. It just happened. Everyone might experien... View more

I’m sitting on a bench in the park and suddenly a big branch fell from a tree nearby. I looked to see if there was a possum or something but couldn’t find anything that could have caused this branch to break. It just happened. Everyone might experience feelings of sadness, unhappiness, worthlessness, hopelessness and helplessness or sadness, at some time in their life which may be due to a specific event. However, when a depressed mood persists for more than several weeks and interferes with an individual’s ability to enjoy life and/or function properly professional help is recommended as it might be a sign of serious depression. Depression can alter a person’s thinking, behaviour and function. Just like the branch falling off the tree without any particular cause, depression doesn’t need trauma or horrible circumstances, loss or grief in order to manifest itself. Just like a headache can come up anytime with no particular reason and without meaning that you are responsible or did something wrong. However it is important to remember that depression is a treatable illness. The person with depression and their family must not feel responsible or see it as a sign of weakness, stigma and/or shame. Talk about depression and seek help and support. It is an illness that affects many people from all backgrounds, genders, age groups etc. The symptoms can vary in duration and intensity and in severe cases can prove quite disabling with potentially serious consequences unless professional help is sought. Some of the symptoms that can be experienced in varying degrees are sadness, anxiety, panic, anger, withdrawal from family and friends, guilt, shame, feelings of inadequacy, inability to perform simple every day tasks, inability to undertake family, work or social responsibilities. One of the most common form of low mood linked to social stressors and characterised by many physical health problems is a combination of depression and anxiety. If you have noticed that you or someone in your family seems pre occupied/worried/concerned or there’s a change in behaviour and/or outlook, it might be a good idea to visit the family doctor to discuss what the feelings and offer to make the appointment for them (if it’s for a loved one), if they seem despondent. Offer to go with them to the appointment as this support might prove very valuable. Maintain contact with the person so they feel supported and know there is someone they can talk to outside a medical professional.

Daniel_83 Burnout, migration and mid-life crisis
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Hi all Thanks for reading this post. Aged 34, I arrived in Australia as a Asian migrant circa 8 months ago and now work in a very good professional firm in Sydney earning more than decent wages. My wife works in early childcare and we manage a decent... View more

Hi all Thanks for reading this post. Aged 34, I arrived in Australia as a Asian migrant circa 8 months ago and now work in a very good professional firm in Sydney earning more than decent wages. My wife works in early childcare and we manage a decent lifestyle. Certainly nothing lavish, but we are never once in lack anything that's essential and never behind on bills. While all's good on the outside, i struggle everyday with depression and anxiety - 90% of it attributable to challenges with my job. Prior to migration I had spent the middle part of my career on 70-80 hour weeks; the intensity I experienced in that period had totally worn me out. However, the will to migrate was so intense that somehow I survived another 2 years (changing a job in between) before finally migrating. I was fortunate to get a job before I had even landed, owing to some really niche skills in an obscure knowledge area. The first few months here were intense, and I was put on the firing line from Day 1. At that time I was already running on an empty tank but paying the bills and getting settled obviously took precedence. Then comes the problem. While my skills have proved irreplaceable, the business is fast drying up. The firm is trying to get me to pick up new skill sets, to which I tried picking up a few simple jobs outside my area of expertise. However, the learning curve was extremely steep. No surprise since I was tasked to fly even before I could learn how to walk. This wasn't what I was trained for, and the odds of succeeding was of a magnitude I see as hopelessly against me (given my current state of chronic burnout, I was in no condition to invest 70-80 hours a week to make this succeed). It was like asking a baker to double up as a sous chef and given no time to acquire the skills. I have come to a point when chronic burnout, severe job anxiety, and constant bouts of extreme stress had left me wrecked and in a terrible mental state. I am somehow still holding it altogether, but my mind can best be described as yearning to get away from it all. Going to work everyday is a huge challenge and every job assigned to me puts me on tenterhooks. I desparately want to quit this job, but am too afraid of not being able to find another one (especially for Asian migrants). Rent will certainly be a long term problem; my wife's wages cover it, but there won't be much of it left. Appreciate if anyone can share their experiences and what they've done to get out of this rut.