Post alcohol trauma
- replies: 2
Hi everyone,I’m reaching out because I’m really struggling and don’t feel able to carry this on my own right now.A few days ago, over Christmas, I had an alcohol-related experience that has completely shaken me. I’m a wife and a mother in my early 30... View more
Hi everyone,I’m reaching out because I’m really struggling and don’t feel able to carry this on my own right now.A few days ago, over Christmas, I had an alcohol-related experience that has completely shaken me. I’m a wife and a mother in my early 30s, and after a long period of reducing my drinking and doing a lot of internal work, I trusted myself again in a social setting. That trust was misplaced, and things escalated faster than I could stop them.What’s haunting me most is where this happened and who saw it. I was around my brother’s wife’s family — people who don’t know me well — and I feel like I lost my dignity in front of them. Because they’ve only seen me a couple of times, I’m terrified that this one night is now the only version of me they hold.I wasn’t reckless in a dangerous way, but I behaved in ways that felt deeply out of alignment with who I am. I was loud, chaotic, and visibly intoxicated. I don’t remember large parts of the night, which has been incredibly distressing.One of the most painful parts is the perception of how it looked. From the outside, it likely appeared that I forgot about my own family — my husband and children — and was instead seeking attention from other men. I want to be clear: that is not how I felt internally, but I’m tormented by how it may have appeared to others. The idea that I could be seen that way goes directly against my values and identity, and it’s been devastating to sit with.Since then, I’ve been experiencing intense shame, anxiety, intrusive thoughts, and physical trauma responses. Even reminders like Christmas, certain clothes, or objects from that day send my body into panic. I feel paralysed, stuck replaying the worst possible interpretations of how others saw me, and terrified that I’ve permanently damaged how I’m perceived — not just socially, but as a mother and wife.I’ve worked so hard to be better — to drink less, to be more present, to heal — and it feels unbearable that none of that work is visible to people who only saw that moment. It feels like all they see is the worst version of me.I know with certainty that I won’t drink again — alcohol is now completely associated with trauma for me — but I’m struggling with how intense this feels and whether I’ll ever feel like myself again or experience joy without this hanging over me.I don’t have the capacity to write every detail, but I would deeply appreciate hearing from anyone who has experienced a relapse, a public loss of dignity, or a situation where shame around family, perception, or identity felt unbearable — and who found their way back to themselves.Thank you so much for reading and for any support or perspective you can offer.
