Thinking about death.... all the time...

[Guest_1643]

Hi all

I've been struggling for 3 weeks with suicidal thoughts

My new GP is amazing

He tells me to think of suicidal thoughts as a symptom maybe a solution

Could he be right?

Today he assigned someone to give me a call to check in on my safety. I don't think that will happen. I've not received the call.
Small things like this lead to rage, hurt and fear for me.

And so I am left to deal with the thoughts alone.

[Guest_1643]

The worst day

The ugliest day

The scariest day

My car broke down,

My case manager yet again forgot our appointment and left me hanging by the phone

The volunteer org hassled me why I didn't show up, the person running it is rude, I cancelled my shift but I guess with not much notice, I suck for that, but they stuck too, for not helping me know where to go .

I said sorry but that's judt what happened, not doing the shift, and she was rude to me and made excuses saying we'd confirmed it whem we hadn't

And so an awful day of missed good things and my whole brain exploding

[Guest_1643]

I feel like I will be discharged from public hipsital system because I don't fit, I don't fit anywhere .... making me feel physically ill today. I want to be in bed but I don't feel safe there at all, I rarely feel safe anywhere and

My psych and I had a heart to heart and I'm confused

He said because I'm smart and strong he thought I'd likely not continue seeing him, due to his lack of experience.

I'm happy he owned up to it.

[therising]

Hi Sleepy21

It sounds like you have an enormous amount of natural intelligence, based on your last post and you having mentioned before how certain mental health professionals see you. I think when you pair a naturally intelligent person with an academically intelligent person (who has studied their field of knowledge), it becomes an interesting match.

Naturally intelligent people will typically feel, see (in their mind's eye) or hear what makes sense. They may even know things without knowing how they know. Academically intelligent people may need reference or proof. They may not go largely on feeling whether something's true or rings true, seeing what's obviously true or hearing what naturally comes to mind as being true. I suppose an example could be if you were seeing a therapist who you naturally felt the need to question on a regular basis. There's a part of you that feels the compulsion to question or insists that you continue to question. While a therapist may see you as challenging, you may naturally think 'Why would I not question them when their behaviour is questionable. Why would I not ask them questions if what I need are answers?'. Of course this is a highly intelligent approach. They could scribble away in their notebook stuff like 'Challenging, confrontational, difficult, argumentative' but in fact that's not the case. You openly question and it's as simple as that.

They may even see someone who questions in such a way as being strong and not in need of so much guidance but the truth could be you're looking for a stack of answers academically intelligent people just don't seem to be able to give you. Incredibly frustrating. Incredibly frustrating to be a naturally intelligent person on a massive quest for answers.

[Guest_1643]

Hi the rising maybe I am a naturally intelligent person looking for a sweet but I feel my situation is a bit different to that

I'm lonely and despairing and being intelligent just makes it worse, the only benefit is that bad drs are not going to try manipulate me for money or narc supply, because they can see I'm on to them

But this has nothing to do with being smart, it is because I am now educated on abuse and have learnt how to protect myself,f

That is my most precious quality.

[Guest_1643]

Finding it hard to get through the days

Had an funny discussion with my psych yesterday regarding my discharge from public system

They called him and said to him were so happy she has you, she relies on you a lot, you know, Ur su h a great support for her..

He asked me....why did they say that three times? are they discharging you

I told him I'm surprised they've even kept me so long...

Because a) I'm vocal and speak up when they fail me,

2) I am able to do things on my own like make and change appointments, while many patients in public system cannot

3) I'm not sick in a visible way, it's hidden

4) I am picky about who I see

5) I have ptsd so if someone is rough wirh me I totally shut down, ie , they can't bully me

My psych did laugh a lot anout this, I guess my attitude being both terrified of being dropped by my public health team, but also, fully prepared for it.

[golden82]

Hi Sleepy, couldn't find your thread - it moved... I've seen you are hurting - I hope this msg makes you hurt a little less. You are a wonderful person and contributor to these forums. I hope you hang around (no pressure though - I understand). I just want to remind you that ppl like having you here as a virtual friend 🙂 I like having you here 🙂

[Matchy69]

I hope your ok sleepy

[Guest_1055]

Thinking of you Slerot

[Guest_1055]

Thinking of you Sleepy