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Surviving: Being in a better place

demonblaster
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi all 🙂
Thought this thread might be of use to talk about your stories if you like and where you're at now.
In a better place.

I have Bipolar, (BP) pretty sure all my life. Wasn't diagnosed, I approached them thinking I have this at age 46.
The ups (mania) are magic, ying and yang (opposites) evident with BP & in many other ways.
The downs, crippling. Still ..but I'm DETERMINED to beat them with time & effort and professional help.One of the psychiatrists said it can't be beaten, I say cause it maybe hasn't been done, doesn't mean it can't be.
Have come an incredibly long way so far.
Long way to go probs but HAS to be sooner rather than later, else this mother of a demon will get me, I live in fear of going under the line again which majority of the time the head goes South but looking back at those times knowing I got through & that it's not always like that helps.
SO many good times, happy times between.

The cycles have gone from Rapid cycling (4 or more a yr) to 8/10 a yr since the loss of my beloved partner of 28yrs to leukaemia.

My teens starting at 14yrs I attempted suicide 4 times.
You're in hell considering, contemplating & ultimately attempting suicide, we're going against our strongest basic instinct. Survival.

Wanted OUT, couldn't see anything but Black in my head, no light, no way out, no other choice, the depression beast had me engulfed as it does most of the time in cycles now too.
Rock bottom. The pits.

I've learnt a lot one thing is it doesn't stay this way.
Sleep's vital. We don't get a lot or quality when down, it affects how we feel usually in a negative way.
Life's so much harder when we're tired and exhausted, we see feel & react to things differently
That part of our brain that works at pulling us down, I think with everyone, not only mental illness or disorders

Self esteem rock bottom, still working at it, it's true we have to like/love ourselves works as a shield.
Great loving good parents lucky

If I'd known in suicide yrs I'd meet a beautiful loving partner and have so much love from family, friends and happiness between the downs, I wouldn't have attempted.

BP downs equate to heavy grieving alone without it on top.It slammed but now I'm looking back and Yes still hurts, always will but we owe it to ourselves to keep going. We don't know whats ahead and nothing stays the same.

I know that now.

 

4,788 Replies 4,788

As always thanks Star for talking to me.

With help of psych something I've always known but didn't acknowledge as such till she said recently, I need people. The other thing is I'm desparately lonely, thought alone cause can walk down street & see & talk to several people sometimes I know or strangers, as said I have lot of love but they're all doing their stuff.
It's not the case but it seems like everyone's got someone, wether be kids, family, partner etc.

Had 4 hr sleep, nothing much has changed, earlier today went to special needs tt (Table tennis) soooo tired but made a pledge this yr wouldn't miss any times with them that I love, really doing something for people that need help & encouragement, support, beautiful people. I started & organises tt in my area. Happy around others but doesn't change coming home empty.

Other thing is all my life I've had as one psych said lack of volition, yeah at least I walk but believe in this art & can't get the push to do stuff, sit and watch tv mainly. Bus at times, good being around people, meet em. Made some new friends, one that passed recently & the other that I'm not sure how I feel about her.
Had organised to see Grow group but didn't hear from them but that's ok sort that later.

Sooo yeah heard around here about accepting and befriending the enemy but not sure how, it's hurting me like sh constantly dragging me down to places that are too hard to hack.
Have got that NIMH on sticky notes here to look up, just gotta get the oomph to look it up. Pathetic this lack of, pisses me off.

I'm open to nearly anything to help Star, seriously sinking & not sure how much longer I can breath, feeling like I've exhausted all avenues & stubborn as not to take more meds which many would say if they can fix why not but to me it's a bandaid, I need to adress the root prob. I'm still on some but reduced, the down stuff only worked a short while anyway so choofed them, without Docs say cause I'd accidentally missed a couple of nights no side effects & downs were returning as hard as usual.The ups I've managed to get a grip on moreso than the meds but doing most through Doc.

This isn't a life, I'm usually happy around people and well liked, not alone times. Hurting like hell.
Even starting to like myself more, but being dumped again doesn't help self esteem either


Yes, I get the being alone stuff. It has been my lot too for many years. I felt most alone whenever I had someone by my side. Being who I am either keeps people at bay or attracts those in need of being looked after. I have accepted that.

I too would like someone to hold my hand but since I will not settle for anything other than unconditional love, I have long stopped hoping for the needle in the haystack. At my age, it would be unrealistic. Learning to go through Life alone hasn't been easy. It still isn't, though I have had good training in this since birth. But so it goes, being alone doesn't make my existence meaningless.

As for meds, it is a personal choice. As mind and body adjust, what worked initially often needs to be changed or dosage tweaked. Talking to many high functioning people with BP seems to indicate most require the help of mood stabilizers to live a fulfilling life, from metropolitan cab driver to business executive.

Being dumped doesn't mean you are at fault. It is often a simple matter of incompatibility, sometimes chemistry. Many who clicked initially end up growing apart. No one is to blame, that's just the way it is. No reason why self-esteem should suffer. Good on you for organizing table tennis in your area and mingling with the crowd. You say you are well liked... isn't being likeable a boost to your self esteem ?

I noticed you have been posting a storm around the forums. Rest assured your contribution is very much appreciated. A big thank you.

Nah not easy is it, bloody awful being lonely makes ya feel empty unworthy but it's not the bloody case is it! That'd be ITBeast...beastIT....? doin it's thang. Good at it's job, we've just gotta be better aye Star.

How are you overall?

Yeah from start I've been more supporting here than vents but when it's rough it's rough so come here.
Thanks I like helping people as you do too 🙂

Hope you believe how grateful I am for you RockStar, (bet you're too modest to take that 🙂 can easily see why people would lean on you, I've seen bits of your life, JEEZ!!! Raw deal. You've got your demons at a heel. Surviver KUDOS you're an inspiration
Deepest gratitude Star ya don't forget this stuff.
(beautiful hug) xx Affectionate, sue me lol good luck with that 😉

In mania tools for success surface, motivation, energy, ideas, belief, confidence, drive, BA sleep but ya can get a lot done I reckon cause the mind knows it doesn't last too long but ya can make it longer
We've probs all got those too Part of strength I'd say

That's right about dumping, this one's bit complicated for here but yeah self esteem hit but getting stronger so hacking ok, bit miffed tho 🙂
Unconditional love started low self esteem healing immensely & yeah realising that people like/love me helped no end way to go but good progress, recent realisation. Loves our ultimate need
Unconditional comes in time, partner said once Love grows, truth.

HARD AS step, got script for anti depressants may not use em & don't have to stay on them, see if I pull outta this soon. Had good day today, V.good Doc, magic bloke, boomer time with beautiful friend & saw others, I like people, not all the time lol

Chooky from MH tomoz she's great too

Yeah getting outta this back up
Hope so don't wanna go more pills but at least can be tempory & there if it gets too hard. These take about 4 wks to kick in I think We'll see

Hope you have a good sleep 🙂 HUG

Starwolf
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Nah, I wouldn't sue you over a hug (thanks for the laugh). That's another thing I have learned to accept -even enjoy- no matter who gives it as long as it is heartfelt.

You are right, love can grow. It can also wither and die.

It is a relief to read that you have a top GP...a terrific asset to have on your side. As for the meds, it is good to have them on hand. Whether you use them or not, you're in control. The choice is yours. The problem with ADs is that their effect is not instant so some persistence is needed. Also, stopping abruptly can have disastrous effects but I guess all that has been discussed with your prescribing doctor. If they can bring some measure of relief to those horrible down times and allow you to get on with life, then it will be a positive step. Sometimes chemical imbalances in the brain need to be chemically corrected. Just like a shot of insulin is necessary routine for diabetic people. Not ideal but...this is an imperfect world. Quality of Life is the priority.

I had an inner chuckle at your mention of a rock star. I was very much into that lifestyle in my youth. This is if you leave the sex part out of the equation (never saw what the big deal was about these brief moments of bliss, may it be with males or females). So I still see myself as an aged rock chick...some things fall by the way side as we go, others stick around. Choices, I guess.

Sending a hug back your way.

Yeah the hugs always heartfelt Rockstar 😄

Haven't got the AD's yet and yeah take about 4 ish wks to kick in, yikes but can go off em but yeah some not quickly. Like I don't have to stay on them.

Been doing untold sleeping lately, most of the days, helping & giving up durries so not awake to hang for them.
Buying the odd one of people.

Coming out the other side, phew. Was a long one again, rough but good to be here not there.

Off for walk in tic and shoulder excercises, like them, wow one's really hard can only do 10 at a time

Ok Rocken chick 😄 take good care and as always thanks so much for being here for me ((( xx ))) & reciprocated too anytime

Thank you for sharing the good news. Catching up with much needed sleep sure does help. No wonder deprivation is used as a form of torture...

Good on you for sticking with exercise. Though I agree that motivation doesn't always come easy. As usual, it's that first step that's the most difficult. Living with a pack of active dogs often forces me out the gate...whether I like it or not. Fortunately, those outings usually catch my interest as we go. 5minutes into it, I'm usually glad I got a move on. Even if the last hour was spent trying hard to ignore the K9s glaring alternatively at their harness then at me. So intense it can penetrate the most reluctant back...

Welcome back to a better space.

Enjoy.

Sorry took ages to get back, been listening from Ph: takes ages and working out how to log on and off was driving me nuts.

Yeah thx Star, back to normal, gotta yuk cold now but feeling ok.

I bet the dogs keep you active lol, you wouldn't have a lot of choice I imagine.

Jeez all I'm doing these days is sleeping but that's ok, kills time and giving up durries so takes a few cravings away.

Hope you're well Star, how is your health now?

xx & big hugs 🙂

Well done for working out the login rigmarole. It would take me months and I would probably end up needing outside help ! Older generations are nostalgic for simpler times when things were either on or off. When it didn't take jumping through that many hoops to get things done...and even more to get them undone.

With all you've been through recently, needing to sleep it off is no surprise. Kudos for giving up the durries habit. You are doing well. Always good to see proactive people doing it for themselves. It shows your courage and determination.

Yes, getting out of a warm bed when it is -7 or 8C outside is not easy. Fortunately, the dogs also tend to sleep a bit longer while in winter mode. But it is still hard to be woken up by a dog flicking your eyelids open with its tongue. Done gently but still feels forceful !!!

Feeling better now that I have taken my health back in my own hands (I was given the wrong antibiotics !). Thank you for asking.

Fingers crossed this much needed R & R will help you get rid of your cold ASAP.

Jeez glad ur on right track now health Rock star 🙂

yikes need to teach dogs how to read time oh & Soo cold Arghh lol

Had looksy other day at brain mechanics yeah easy to understand as you said

Thx as always being there Rock xx

At times the silence is deafening isn't it Star.

God I miss him. love him so much RIP baby xxx

Grieving is tough, isn't it ? It never ends. All we can do is learn to cope and live with it. Eventually. Moving on through changes is one of Life's lessons. Not the easiest to absorb and proceed. Like Life itself, everything and everyone we hold dear is on loan. The more privileged we are to share a great connection and a terrific stretch of the journey, the harder the loss hits us.

The good thing is, we have choices re what we make of it all. The way I see it is that Life can be compared to a book or a movie. It is an unfolding story that inevitably comes to an end. The plot of a book, the scenario of a movie often acquire a life of their own as they are being written. The finished product is often different from what was initially on the author's and director's mind. But they go along with those changes. It doesn't stop them producing a masterpiece that will touch others and leave a long-lasting imprint.

Yes, the silence...I have a different relationship with it. Sometimes, a hush comes over the bush, no birdsong or animal noises, no wind to rustle leaves. Just pure silence. I become absorbed in it, dissolve in it. I no longer exist. There's only peace. A tendency of mine for spontaneous meditation...and a great way to recharge the internal battery.

Occasionally, I do miss a human voice but I have heard so much  in my life that it is usually short-lived 🙂

Sure, I'm a jaded old fart...but all in all not an unhappy one.

I don't particularly like talking about myself. But sometimes, it helps reveal to someone else a different perspective, hopefully a less painful way to view their troubles. One of the many things these forums are meant to do.

How is your weekend shaping up ?