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Sadness,grief and regret over sons incarceration

July
Community Member

Hi, I am new to this but  need to talk to someone, anyone, I am a mother of 4 children , three adults ages 25, 29,32 and a 10 year old son from from second marriage. My eldest son was convicted of  a crime and is now in prison,he is 32 and the whole experience has devastated me , sitting through the trial I cried the whole two days everyone was looking at me  obviously knowing I was the mother ,then his sentencing was a day I shall never forget I had to write a letter to the judge about my son, about his drug use, about his father not being in his life since we divorced and his downfall, I also wrote about  how I loved him would stand by him, I'm sorry I failed him  and he turned to drugs too take away his pain, but underneath all that was a wonderful creative boy who just took a wrong turn, the judge  starting reading my letter word for word out to the court room, I looked at my beautiful boy and there were tears running down his face, I think he finally realised what he has done not only to himself but to me as his mother, that image is burned into my memory ,for once in my life I could not protect my child and it killed me, his sentence was given and they took him away, he will be released about september. I cannot tell  anyone and the stress is unbearable,I have to lie to people to excuse his absence , he is clean and sober now and has turned this life around he is doing all the courses to correct his life while in prison and is deeply regretful of his choices, I do not excuse his behaviour  but I am his mother and I have to stand by him, I look at all the other families visiting in prison and it is so sad it affects the whole family. This is the first time I have said this out aloud it is so hard to live with this "secret",I just don't know how to live with this.

556 Replies 556

Hi July Nameless Bella & readers ☺

Nameless just wanted to tell you how incredibly happy I am to hear your sons back home and wow such good news back on the straight Rd. What an ordeal and such deep heartache for all people going through this including victims of the cursing gear

You and July and of course other lovelies are giving so much solid support and help here which no doubt would be helping many people. Thanks ☺

Bell hi darl it's cruel them not communicating with youse in these circumstances for about a wk would be from hell amidst the constant pain and concern people would be going through let alone the stress and change in circumstances. Your lives having such painful upheaval is more to cope with. You amazing people do though because you're quality parents.

There's a great deal which lets hope in time will improve of changes in the legal system and situations like this to for example. Possibly support groups might consider working towards pushing for change that no doubt would be a long tho a worthy effort.

I hope you've had that video/call by now hun. It'd be terribly hard them not wanting to have contact 8f that happens but certainly understandable Nameless it being easier to focus on surviving there adjusting and coping with freedom being taken away amidst no doubt endless other emotions and changes to deal with.

I'm glad Bella you're finding help and some comfort from reading through here. It's an important thread which I hope and think will continue to grow.

So glad you're with a friend I wondered after posting if you had anyone for support.

I agree Nameless it can be a good thing telling people. Best choosing ones that matter and treat you with respect. You don't need closed judgemental harping. Supports mammoth in any situations.

Hoping you went ok with the lovely Dr and eating. Alternatively maybe some shakes that give the bodies whats needed but still suggesting eat some solids too

I'm not always here due to needing to pick my threads in hard mh (mental health) as the empathy levels peak making it harder to get to recovery or not daily posting.

Girls know I care very much as people here and readers many too would. I'll will be around when I can.

It's incredible just how much strength we have when it's needed especially parents would know that.

Hold strong good people and it's ok to cry. Stress needs an out.

Hi demonblaster

Itd always lovely to get your positive encouraging posts . I hope all is going well with you!!

Hey Bella I hope you are feeling less teary and sick . A good walk does clear the head and you need to find a thing that will help distract you from the busy thoughts… mine was song writing and photography .
I hope and finished the letter and have spoken to him you know he is now .

thinking of you

Nameless1

I have finally spoken with my son after 12 days of nothing, he is in isolation due to Covid demands. He is sharing with someone else and seems to be getting on with him ok. I can book a video chat after the 11th. It broke my heart to hear that he was in his court clothes for 4 days before being taken to where he is now and was without his anti depressants for that time as well and that is something that you aren’t supposed to stop abruptly. But it’s all sorted now. I’m really hoping that after the isolation period there will be more for him to do like courses etc to occupy him. I’m starting with psychology next week as I’m just not coping. I normally want time to slow down but at the moment I want the next 17 months to zoom by just so I can have him home again

Hi July Nameless Bells if that's ok ☺ and readers

Glad to hear there's a few positives there Bells amidst of course the heartache 🤗 that's a safe warm hug virtually if you're not a hugger hun, same goes for anyone reading going through this horrendous ordeal.

I can only imagine how good yet no doubt highly emotional call that would have been. Roll on the 11th that'll be great seeing eachother. I imagine that'd be of course emotional but also a comfort to you both.

Wow huge relief he's getting on with his cell mate.

Also stoked you've gotten onto a psychologist it certainly would put a loving family member friends etc in a turmoil of pain and worry. They can teach you coping strategies and listen too. Being able to talk without judgement is a boom same as here and as we all know supports mammoth in hard times. They also I'd think know of other resources for support as well. Well done making that first step.

Self cares vital. I know so often dear parents step back for their children. The best help & support anyone can give is when they're in as good as possible shape.

I hope youre able to get at least some quality sleep as we know plays a large part with our coping abilities.

It might be a little early to touch on you time but if you're able to take time out when you can to give your mind a rest from pain with distraction by even simple things like as our good lady Nameless has suggested a walk can be very refreshing. Surprisingly activity even gently can bring on energy to the wariest of bodies.

I've found at times having a pen/cil- then you can rub out if need be and paper just see what comes out. Doesn't have to be a masterpiece it's a form of release or write down some things you like or get/have pleasure from. That can be a good go to when need be. Even 10 minutes is a break and change of focus.

This 17 mths hun- ouch tho the good is every day turns into a week/month etc. Time can be our friend when it goes so fast.

Anyway dear lady wishing you and your son every chance for recovery.

Hope the suns shining in your part of the world unless you prefer rain then no doubt that'll happen sometime too ☺

Best to youse and all concerned ⚘

Hi Bell890,

It is a scary, difficult time but part of making them realise that what they have done is serious. This is needed to hopefully start the process of change and to want never to go back to prison. I’m glad he got in with his cell mate. When my son was in the quarantine stage he had no contact with anyone and struggled with that. Then he was sent to prison for remand and stayed there when sentenced. The prisoners mostly look out for one another and there be someone who will want help the new guys. My son did that when he was more settled. Just tell him not to make trouble. There is more to do as a sentenced prisoner … courses jobs etc and motivation and incentives to behave well toget parole. Make sure you set up where you can send money once a month.
Will he be moved again do you know.

There are many nice guys who as a result of loss and disappointments or trauma in their life end up on anti depressants/ medication due to mental health issues and turn to other behaviour and people and ways of coping that end them up in trouble. The whole process is draining and traumatic for us as parents especially if the arrest is in your own home and your house is searched .

I’m glad you are seeing a psychologist. There is not much help for families before release, then that is more for the prisoner if on parole / ex prisoner if straight release.

Kerp telling him you love him and that you haven’t given up on him and keep writing even if he doesn’t write as much.
take care

Nameless1

 

Thanks demon blaster for the e courage bent to us all !!

Nameless 1

Hi everyone

I was just wondering how everyone is going. It is now just over 4 months since my son came out on parole. 4 months to go. Lots of little steps, some frustration , but mostly all positive. He has remained going along the right path, and has good support from the parole officer and a programme called kickstart. As he has progressed well he doesn’t have to see the parole officer as often or have as many urine tests. His girlfriend friend has been wonderful despite a few frustrations with him adapting to non prison life . He finds it hard to communicate but is gradually improving ..so he can be very closed… we were warned of this… and getting into new routines was hard . He has only just started to re connect with friends through soccer but otherwise spends a lot of time at home in the evenings and with his girlfriend. So it is good he is going to soccer and training. It took a while to feel comfortable shopping and and still doesn’t like to go out on his own. This last week has seen an improvement there though.
Time with family is pretty good now which is wonderful .
He learnt some valuable lessons in prison though and is a very different person to the one that went in that was a mess!!
I still feel quite anxious at times learnt behaviour perhaps… as I couldn’t bear him going someone and getting tempted again. He said he won’t ever go back to what he was doing and he is trying g hard to stick to that .

I look forward to hearing others stories . Stay strong

Nameless1