I'm not sure what to say other than I'm just on edge, cranky and sad at the same time. I'm aware of helplines, doctors, mental health plans, mindfulness, CBT, smiling mind app, distractions, doing things we love, etc, etc. I feel as though I've hit a wall...
I know that I want to make some sort of change or changes but I'm unsure of the nature of this change. A general feeling of unease. When you're deeply unhappy but you're not even 100% sure why.
Seriously, this all probably seems kind of vague and I'm not sure what I'm hoping to achieve here, and I know that no one has the answer except for me (whatever that is...throws hands up in frustration).
All I can say is I think life is difficult and often painful. It's the daily, in-between moments that I find the hardest. Sometimes I wonder if brief moments of reprieve is as good as it gets.
The obvious change is that you definitely want to feel better, but hesitant on how this could possibly happen, because you have to let a counsellor into how you are thinking, maybe you will or maybe it may take a long time for this to happen, but the end result is that they need to know what you worried about, but then there could times when you don't know why yourself.
You can't go to a doctor and say that you're got an ache in your leg when in fact the pain goes much deeper than that, it's your mind that you are so worried and it's taken you into depression.
This change won't be achieved straight away, it takes time, and if one of these options isn't working then you try another, and then another, take any medication that your doctor prescribes to
Sometimes these 'in between moments'
This was an early post for you eh? This is obviously keeping you up at night.
Change needs transition; point A to point B. You know where you are, but do you know the destination? If you do, the middle bit's a journey.
If you don't know the goal, then maybe you're looking too far ahead and need smaller steps.
The depressive stuff I personally understand. There's a sense of apathy; fear of same-same occurring. I feel that stuff now tbh.
Just to be off topic for a sec, watching the way our world's going, has me thinking it's pointless striving or pushing for change sometimes.
As you know, I've come back from a retreat to find myself in the midst of old habits/feelings. I too don't have a point B.
The ideas have come now and then, but apathy strikes and I'm back to square 1. Maybe my goals are too big at a time in life when I should be preparing to slow down. I never envisioned my world would be like this.
I'm not sure if this is making sense to you. But I'm hoping it may resonate in some way to help. It's probably a bit depressive, but it's my truth atm.
I'm really sorry I couldn't be of more support.
Geoff- thank you so much for the thoughtful response and for sharing your insight. I appreciate it immensely. Also 8228 posts? My hat off to you. We are very lucky to have you here. You give so much here- please, please also give some of that to yourself. Self care.
Okay, so maybe it's not an ache but more like a tumour or other festering wound. You're perceptive to allude to that issue. The problem is I'm not entirely sure exactly where or what is the nature of this metaphorical tumour. The "symptoms" are the sadness and cranky pants-iness. But either way, there is definitely an issue. Thank you warmly again 🙂
Sara- thank you so much for visiting especially when I know you're struggling yourself.
I love how characteristically level headed you are with your point A-B approach; it's very "you." Yeah, I agree that half the battle is figuring out the elusive goal(s). Sometimes I want change yet I don't even know what the change is but my internal compass (my trusty intuition) points haphazardly till I land on North. I'm waiting my for intuition to figure it out as it normally does...eventually...
I get this impression that there's this internal conflict going on in you. Torn between dreams and desires and perhaps time and other life constraints that are telling you otherwise. The apathy does come across loud and clear...it sounds like the apathy and your real or perceived constraints are your stumbling blocks as much as they are part of your depression. Or is the depression the stumbling block...you don't have to answer...
I would love for you to achieve all your goals and dreams...maybe they aren't as lofty as you believe. Sure, the depression and other life constraints are huge hurdles but maybe there's still something that can be done. I mean, you did boxing which you never imagined so maybe you're more capable than you realise...just my 2c...age be damned, look at Helen Mirren and Jane Fonda who are both older than you. Extreme examples, I know, but you get my point...
I am a little sleep deprived and a little cranky today. Still figuring out this life "thing" out. Maybe if I sketch or listen to music or do some other creative thing, insight will arise as it often does...we will see.
Kind thoughts to all,
I know you said not to bother replying, but I've an observation.
You find it more than easy to reflect our words, yet, don't quite know exactly how to achieve this for yourself. Wondering if you're journaling.
You're fairly right with the apathy thing, but as you say, it runs so much deeper. I've replied to you on my thread. 🙂
Even though you say my A->B is 'so me', does it resonate? What I'm finding today, is that my goals aren't just out there in the future; they're also about finding qualities like courage internally to achieve those goals. Do you have what it takes yet?
Love Sara xo
Well, I was just concerned that you were over-exerting yourself considering how you weren't feeling that great...I was a little worried...but I'm glad you're here 🙂 Thanks for the other reply btw- very moving.
Reflecting others' words is a bit of an innate tendency. Sort of like some people take to, say, soccer or tennis naturally; I take to reflection instinctively. Lol.
Yes, I completely agree that finding and having confidence in one's ability and personal qualities is important in terms of achieving goals. Do I have what it takes? I think I'm part-way there...I'm not lacking in confidence but I'm not brimming with it either. Kind of at a comfy mid-point spot.
I journal but not necessarily in written words. Although I have lately started typing short paragraphs on my phone if a stray but important thought pops in my head. Other times, I journal visually in terms of sketches. Sketching helps when I can't find the words. Still figuring it out I guess...
Thanks, as always, for the insight, wisdom and support.
Right now...I just feel sadness. My main goal in posting this is just to get it out there so I feel less alone in my sadness.
If anyone else is struggling at the moment...just keep holding on. Hopefully things get better for you at least get some sort of reprieve.
I'm keeping you company in your sadness at the moment.
I read your other thread about creativeness ages ago when you first started it but I never posted a response, and I haven't kept up with the conversation.
I'm also quite creative, so it resonated with me.
hopefully tomorrow we will be feeling more bright and creative and less sad xx