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Really struggling

Saree_p
Community Member
Hi All,

This is the first time I have ever tried to use a forum. I simply don't know what else to do.

Atm I have a lot of memories, images, voices from past experiences resurfacing. On top of work environment that can trigger these. I simply can not take it anymore and cope. All I want to do is make everything stop.

I have been sitting with suicide for a while now, and I am tired of fighting it. I feel like I have exhausted all my options, I am wondering if anyone has any advice.

I have started the process of seeking help, however it'll take months to organise. On top of this I can't exactly share what's going on etc.

Sorry
1,085 Replies 1,085

Greys
Community Member

Hi Saree_p

I'm sorry to hear your struggling at the moment I'm not doing that great myself. I wanted to reach out to you because i have the similar problems. What i've found helpful is keeping my mind busy doing stuff that makes you think about other things. Like I play word games it forces me to think about the words instead of the bad thoughts. I hope this helps a little and if you need to talk more people on the forum are great.

Let me know how you go.

Grey's

Saree_p
Community Member
Thanks Grey's.

I normally do, I am just getting to the point that I am so tired I am struggling.

Is there something that helps u keep going?

Greys
Community Member

I'm struggling with what gets me through at the moment. I'm not really sure whats keeping me going at the moment, i guess the thought of good stuff happening in the future. To be honest i've really been struggling with self harm thoughts and suicide thoughts over the past few days. But i guess we just have to keep pushing through I find going to work seems to help once i'm there but its a struggle to get there. Sorry i don't have any better answers you just have to keep trying and i find therapy helps.

Grey's

Saree_p
Community Member

It's okay Grey's.

And thanks 🙂

I hope we can both find a way through.

Saree_p
Community Member
Today has been shit.

My purpose for existence and the one thing that has kept me going has been removed. I thought I would cope a lot better, but am not.

Needless to say, the dark thoughts are there, worst than I thought possible. I simply do not know what to do. In between dissasociating, panic attacks, PTSD stuff, my purpose has been removed. Whats the fight for anymore?It's a battle between myself and my head. I know who is going to win this one out.

blondguy
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Saree

I'm sorry to be a late poster in your thread.....You are in a lot of pain (anguish) and I understand what you are going through. Please dont 'fight' or 'battle' these thoughts/symptoms as it will only exacerbate your symptoms

I was an idiot and didnt have regular therapy for 10 years thinking I could 'self heal'...It only made my anxiety worse. I thought that six monthly appointments were 'having' counseling....I was so wrong

This is my 38th year with anxiety followed by clinical depression......and its a horrible place to be in even though in recovery and see my GP 4 weekly for a 'fine tune' as well as seeing my psychologist every quarter

I really hope you can find some peace soon Saree

you are not alone

my kind thoughts

Paul

smallwolf
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi Saree,

Tagging your thread for now.

One of your last posts in the other thread mentioned things that keep/kept you here. Some of those are things I identify with. Last Thu I was with my psychologist and had one on those breakthrough moments (I think). I am extremely self critical (and not used to self-compassion) for a number of reasons, but played that game of what you tell your younger self. I would find out that I think of myself as stupid, and that is a result of things from my school days. Despite that I have a Masters degree, started a BTh and now 1/2 through a counselling diploma. Part of this is to prove to myself and others that I am not stupid, plus I want to help others in a similar place to myself.

Someone suggested I listen to Brene Brown. And I did. At one time she was looking for a therapist for herself. Her friends commented they would hate to her therapist. And again for myself, I can argue against myself quite well. So when it comes to self-compassion it feels forced for myself, and the mind can tell me not to believe it.

Last bits on me... father, married, 2 teens and a cat and live in the city.

The word in that post that interested me was vulnerability. I know that Brene wrote a book on this very topic. Now I won't ask you what terrifies you about it, but that would seem a tad early in our discussion. There is an ember inside you that has not gone out yet, and I hope that one day it will turn into fire so that your reasons to live return to you. If it is OK with you, I would like to chat with you about dreams, life and anything else that might come up. You story is worth telling and I am listening to you.

Peace and comforting thoughts to you,

Tim


Saree_p
Community Member

Hi Again,

Thanks Paul, I am kind of completely over it at this point. Coffee with my family today made feel so much worse too.

I came across Brene Brown a while ago myself - however, after you mentioned her yesterday, I did google and watch her. I sat and watched the Netflix special last night (instead of my impending assignment I just can't start) and I think it was the first time in ages I actually genuinely laughed.

I will admit, I am the worst person for self-compassion. All I see is all that I could've done and what I haven't done. I do try to be ok with myself and do all that self-compassion stuff but then it just feels like an excuse and that really I should know and do better - if that makes any sense.

Tim, I do not mind - at this point, I am happy to be guided in a conversation, I am aware I am not processing very well atm and may jump all over the place. the vulnerability is a heavy one lol, but I guess its the reason that people can not pick there is an issue - not even those I live with.

Saree_p
Community Member

So let me attempt to start


Dreams

Used to be - graduate from university with a PhD for neuro and clinical psychology. Set up services and I guess a ranch styled therapy centre specialising in teens with HFA and AS - extended to teens at 'risk'. The concept was a specific speciality I have done a lot of work in, but not to the exclusion of anyone. I never used to but got to envisioning sharing a life with someone, and a family. Owning/building a house with land, out in nature. Ultimately, I have seen what is wrong with the world and the pain it causes. I wanted to make a difference. I then realised that I was missing the human connection myself and wanted to share it with someone (thought that was my ex - long story lol).


My life

that is a can of worms if I am honest. It has been an extremely long journey and apparently I am still young. I defiantly don't feel it, and the exhaustion is there.
I used to play four musical instruments (scholarship level, but dropped it all due to pressure and disapproval I wanted to follow academic pursuit). I played state level netball, enjoyed hockey for some time just for something different. I had an extensive library, slowly rebuilding it (despite my inability to currently read). I have multiple gaming consols (never have time, nor can I justify it).
Currently - I relocated state, back to the family after relationship ended last year (this was a bad idea), I rent with a housemate who I support. I was studying my Master's in Social Work, but that has just been put on hold. I work in disability support, and I generally get landed with the "difficult clients". Not long ago I brought myself what I would deem a luxury car, but is probably modest by most standards - but for me, it was considered a dream car really.
Ultimately everyday atm is filled with how much can I mask, how can remove or reduce the PTSD issues, and just trying to plan forward after everything has ended. I can't anymore I guess. The head in the sand approach I employed has ceased working.
Is this kinda what you were asking? Sorry. Just started typing and yeah.