Life Is Falling In Pieces

[EmIzSleepy17]

Hi there everyone. I would like to start off with the fact that my life is doing nothing but spiralling downwards. I swear it gets worse every single day and I am struggling to see a purpose in life aside from endless suffering. My backstory is that when I was young I developed cancer which led to alot of body issues including vision issues (tumour), muscle pain, sleep issues, energy level issues, absorption issues and so on. After treatment was successful it took years for me to get my life back on track, and I was finally feeling better until the horrid year 2023 hit. That was the year my life fell to pieces. In early April I was diagnosed with a cataract and other vision issues, despite being 18. I could barely look at lights without seeing blurs and halos and my screen time was limited majorly although it did little. I felt shit. After some time I got used to it and found things that would help me. Then in June, that's when I got COVID. And I got it BAD! I felt like I was dying, couldn't breathe for days and my family did jack crap apart from chucking in meals and not even being near me, although they infected me FIRST! Anyways, I recovered fairly well after this and had minor asthma issues. A month later, I collapsed at SCHOOL! In front of everyone, how embarrassing! I was on that time of the month (all the ladies know that feeling) and it was bad. I was rushed to hospital and I had fractured ribs. I was given medication to treat my period issues that night. However, the next week, on a Thursday, the asthma came back with a vengeance and it was horrid. I felt like I was dying everyday and I didn't want to do it anymore. Everything was going wrong, it was one thing after another. After some torturous months of asthma pains and struggles, which still exist today, I recovered a little here and there and went back to school, despite how much it sucked. The end of the year, I got sick with some infection and I felt so bad like I was going to faint all the time and was highly nauseous. Recovered from that. Then I had swallowing issues and choking issues where food and drinks were a nightmare. Here I am now, suffering with all these things. I am seriously struggling to see the point of my life, it's just a nightmare. I don't think I'm suicidal, but those thoughts are there. I have never self harmed and I plan not to, but I just don't know what to do anymore. Thank you for reading.

[EmIzSleepy17]

I really hope there are others out there battling with similar things to know I'm not alone. I would appreciate and advice and suggestions towards recovery and this long term journey

[Eagle Ray]

Dear EmlzSleepy17,

I'm sorry you haven't had a response yet. I think possibly it is because you are in the section for people who have threads with more than 100 posts. But that is ok. It is a bit of a challenge working out where to post in the beginning.

I really feel for you so much. I am guessing you are still quite young, maybe still at school from what you are saying. You have been through so much from a young age. It is totally understandable you would feel overwhelmed. Going through the cancer treatment I imagine would have been quite gruelling and exhausting and it makes sense that your body took some time to get back on track. And then you have had so many other challenges and the year from hell last year.

I am 49 years old now, but have had long term health issues that really escalated from the age of 13. So I do relate somewhat to what you describe with regard to early life health issues. I had severe limb pain, especially in my legs, from my earliest memories. They couldn't diagnose it then and I actually still get the same pains now but to a lesser extent. I then developed severe migraines and fibromyalgia at 13. I had shocking period pain at your age so I can relate to the collapse you describe. I once was in so much pain I collapsed in a park and blacked out for sometime. I am happy to say the severity of pain eased over time as an adult so hopefully your symptoms will lessen too. More recently I was diagnosed with an autoimmune liver disease that progressively destroys the small bile ducts in the liver. It can eventually lead to a liver transplant but I am doing everything possible to try not to get to that stage. At the moment fatigue is really the most debilitating symptom with it.

So I guess I want to try to help you feel less alone. Over the years I have found different things have helped me at different times. When I was in my 20s I started doing mindfulness meditation. I went to a Buddhist monastery that did free meditations on a Friday night followed by a talk from one of the monks or nuns. The head monk would often speak who has quite a sense of humour. Anyway, I did find that helped me for quite some time. It helped quieten my mind and calm down my nervous system which in turn helped me cope better with health challenges. I had a bout of very extreme pain aged 30-33 and it was one of the things that got me through. I struggled with meditation later because of some trauma issues, but it did really help me over a number of years and I think it can kind of help the body recalibrate and heal itself.

Do you have any hobbies that you love? Over the past 14 years it has been photography for me which really helps me. It takes me out of whatever is going on in my mind and body and I become completely absorbed in it. I just wondered if there is something creative you like to do that absorbs you? I think things like that can have a neuroplasticity effect where they actually change the neuronal patterns in the brain, forming new synapses that break old patterns. In that way I think healing mechanisms can start to be activated. Going back to when I was 32 it was music that really helped me. I started playing my guitar again. Then I did a singing course as I had not been confident in singing before. As I got more confident at it I started writing songs and joined two songwriting groups. Songwriting was really therapeutic for me and I could actually feel how singing was changing things in my body. Sound can be a very powerful way of healing. I could also write songs as a way of processing experiences I had been through.

I won't say much more as this is a long message already, but they are just some of the things that have helped me. I know you have many physical challenges from what you've described so I realise some things may be hard to do. I just thought I'd mention those things in case they help. I think connecting with kind people helps too. I've found gentle, kind people seem to be the ones who most understand health struggles, perhaps because they are sensitive souls with empathy. So finding meaningful connections, even with one or two others, I think can have a positive effect.

Not sure how much that helps but sending you kindness and support.

Eagle Ray xx

[EmIzSleepy17]

Wow! I did not expect to get a response, let alone such a kind, well-thought-out one with the experiences and understanding of another female. I can't even express in words how grateful I am for your advice and beautiful words. You truly are a kind soul and I'm glad I got the honour to listen to you! Thanks again for your touching words and encouraging advice, I appreciate it more than you could ever know. I hope your life improves as well, as you seem to be going through some tough times too. Sending love your way! 

[Eagle Ray]

You are welcome EmlzSleepy17,

I was just writing on another thread today about how two aggressive plants in my garden had really overgrown another plant blocking it out from light and smothering it. I pruned back the aggressive plants and I found the one underneath had all these little shoots it was putting out to keep surviving and growing. I had so much empathy for the plant and amazement and wonder about resilience in nature and we humans too often have so much hope and growth and healing still in us, even when everything feels it is crushing us down. It gave me hope and I thought I would share it to give you hope too. You have had to deal with a lot from a young age. But I’m sure there is a strong spirit in there and that you have a lot of compassion and wisdom in you from the struggles you have been through. So sending you bundles of hope and expansive energy. Much love to you too!