Introducing mmMekitty

[mmMekitty]

I am mmMekitty, named for my cat, (my avatar), who lived 7 years. It has been five or so years since, but I still miss her. Mekitty an I had a simpler relationship than any I have had with people.

The photo is the one I to retrieved after my hard drive crashed. She had wandered off, was away for six days, when she turned up again in the middle of the night. I cried with relief. This was the photo I used for her Lost Cat poster I put up around the neighbourhood at the time.

As for me, I cannot see the detail of the photo nearly as well as I did then, and then my sight was poor. I am now using text-to-speech software, zooming on my pc, voice over. Since I find this stuff difficult, I get really frustrated.

I used to keep all my emotions in check, so much so, I thought and said I did not have any feelings or reactions to anything. That changed and I could not deny the existence of my emotions. It was a terrifying time. What was happening to me? I was falling apart and all this unidentifiable stuff was pouring out.

I have had to learn so much since I began seeing the Psychiatrist I saw back then (1993 - 95). From learning I had to put words to the experiences, name, own, accept them. Still uncomfortable. I beat up on myself too much, I know.

I used to do things I can no longer do to my own satisfaction. I still sing, but not like I used to. I cannot paint like I did. I cannot use pen and paper to write, so have managed to adapt to keyboard. That is something. I have been working on being more sociable, less isolated, but last year, when COVID-19 retrictions required face masks be worn, I found I could not - which is what brings me here.

I have had to curtail so much of what I had been doing. I am feeling the isolation now. How ironic! I resisted even thinking I needed anybody, then I try to have some friends, join a writers' group, get help with things like housework and shopping, going to places for fun and entertainment, only to have to withdraw again because I cannot wear a mask. It bites, like a scorpion.

I will make a thread, now I found the place to click to create one! I think my problem was with how I have my desktop appearance. It looks like any ordinary link, hiding below another, for creating a feed link. Now I know.

I suppose I will get around to talking more about myself. I will need to be careful about how involved I become, so please, don't expect me to pop up everywhere. I would burn out if I did that.

(Purring) mmMekitty

[mmMekitty]

Thank you, Grandy & MC

Lovely, kind words & support. As far as that moment goes, I will be fine.

I want to write more, but way too late, into the mornig now... but I must sleep & be ready for an appointment.

mmMekitty

[Ggrand]

Hi mmMeKitty...

Just popping in to check in on you...

I do hope your doing better then “fine”....fine is a word I use when I’m just hanging in their....Please be very gentle on you...We are here for you....

Good luck on your appointment today...

Hugs dear mmMeKitty...

Grandy..

[mmMekitty]

Hi all,

Spot on, Grandy. 'Fine' is a casual response, like most people give when asked, "How are you?", & they don't want to get into a deep conversations or, like when I'm feeling, too tired.

Sometimes I don't want to get into the way I really feel, because if I do I uncover more than is convenient to deal with in the moment.

As awful as the incident of being triggered is, I cope with it better, much better, than I used to. It still scares me that I won't, & that is still a sign that I don't trust me. In my mind I know, because it's been true, that when my mood is low, when I'm having such thoughts & memories, that just leaving them alone, they will ease on theirown. But there are some things I CAN DO to help myself cope & not feel as a victim to my PTSD symptoms. I do not have to passively accept what still happens.

Some things, like being triggered by an otherwise ordinary word, still throw me off-balance. Thing is, I get up quicker now. I can regain my footing, I can take a present day perspective now.

So, yeah, it's not a huge concern, just super annoying. I'm frustrated these PTSD-type reactions still happen. I'm still hurt inside, & still think anything of the people who hurt me, thinking, it's unfair, they don't seem to be hurting at all over what they did. I wan them to hurt, I want them to know the pain they put us through... but even if, how does that help me with what I feel now? Even if they did, I would still have this pain I feel.

*

& feelings about my body are not good. It's so painful & uncomfortable, & I can't get things done as I want, because of it. When a body is fit & healthy you barely notice it, & just get on with whatever you need & want to do. More & more I cannot.

That is getting me more grumpy, as does being too tired too often.

& I've realised, one problem I have with massaging myself over my chest is related to how it simply feels so awful, with too much tenderness & with odd unreal numbness, like someone else is pressing on me... so I'm wanting to stop, as if to push that feeling away. PTSD. (*sigh* sadly).

My body is letting me down, pretty much head to toe, which does have a direct effect on how I feel about myself,

My appt was a 2nd, deeper, scan on my back 'cause the injection didn't help. It went well. Noisy MRI, even with earplugs & earphones, still noisy. If you ever have one, don't wear anything metal, not even small bits & remove any that can be.

❤️X50 Grandy, DB, Croix, MC, Hanna, Harpbird...

mmMekitty

[Croix]

Dear mmMekitty~

As I have found out and you are coming to realize, the triggered reactions become less frequent, less invasive and far easier to deal with. One can end up as I do with a comfortable life with few deep interruptions. There is indeed hope, plus I cannot see you as the sort of puddy tat to simply meekly sit there and take it, I'd imagine you will cope increasingly well.

As for those that hurt you, no it is not fair, odious characters do not feel the results of their misdeeds. But as you say, even if they did how would that help?

I hope your physical discomforts go quickly (I'd hate to find you grumpy after all:)

Croix

[Hanna3]

Hi mmMekitty and everyone

I'm sorry I don't come by here very often... my mother died of breast Ca when I was young, so I am not very good at reading about it... I read on another thread that you find it difficult to get out, mmMekitty, and it must be isolating for you. With the sight issues on top of everything else it can't be easy, but how frustrating for you...

Is there anyone who can go out with you? A friend or helper? Are there any things you particularly like to do.... it must be hard for you to get exercise. Do you have a balcony where you can sit outside in the sunshine? I know someone in Melbourne who has a tiny unit, but she is lucky enough to have a balcony that looks out over gumtrees and she can listen to the birds in the trees....

We enjoyed a lovely walk in the sunshine today along the river.. the first time we have had sunshine in weeks... it's been overcast and cold and windy or rainy... it was so lovely to be outdoors on such a lovely afternoon. I can't imagine how I would feel if I couldn't do that...

Anyway I just wanted to pop by and say hello. I hope you are recovering OK from your surgery, what an ordeal for you! Sending warmest wishes from us here to you in sunny Queensland!

oxoxoxoxox

[mmMekitty]

Hi Hanna & all,

Lovely to see you here. Hope Sam is able to be here, too. I will put my little heater on just for him, though it's not so freezing for the next few days. 😺 I still feel cold in my feet & hands, & sometimes, my head.

I am frustrated about being able to go out & feel safe & comfortable , when I have togo alone. & when I do go with my helper, it's more often some appointment or other. But I don't know where to find things like what I want anyway.

I'd like more time outdoors, (& I'll winge about that too), Getting exercise with someone is so much more easy to do.

I have a little south-facing porch, where there are neglected garden beds, where upstairs neighbours, & the one next door, too, toss rubbish Gets smelly after a while. Someone was out there picking stuff up, & not a week later, & there's more rubbish on the lawn & footpath.

Noisy, argumentitive neighbours. I don't even know who most of them are anymore. There are a few I will talk to, but we're not friends by any means.

I'm not comfortable here anymore. I don't like going outside here. Even walking up the footpath, the nice new footpath scares because of a few large dogs, & one day a tall gate was open & I collided wit it.

I don't really have friends, Hanna. I see my two helpers, & would like to maintain some sort of professional relationship with them. I talk to my PDr using Face Time only to keep Medicare happy. It doesn't benefit me at all to see this image which may as well be an avatar of someone with no features. I might notice if his shirt is light or dark, but not much else. & the way I have my lounge curtains, it's not very light in my room, so I'm not sure he's seeing me much, either! That's fair, huh?

As a bonus, I get to imagine anything I want of his appearance., 😺

I think I must be behind schedule, because doing exercises is so difficult, & the massage, & using moistruising cream, all difficutl to keep doing. The bursitis I now have in my right shoulder is so sensitive - it's like the smallest movement can disturb it. I can't reach over to massage my lest side. It needs it too.

I'm complaining so much lately, feeling stuck, here alone too much. That was a nasty flu - don't want another or COVID either. What am I supposed to do?

Gotta leave it here. Legs are getting too restless & uncomfortable. No help for that , yet.

Warmly❤️❤️❤️❤️& a 🐧for Croix.😺

mmMekitty

[Hanna3]

Hi mmMekitty,

I had a similar problem with neighbours when I used to live in a downstairs unit - there were some very unsavoury alcoholic men in the neighbouring block, and a couple of territorial older women who made life difficult for anyone new... what I used to do was pretend I was talking on my mobile phone when I walked in or out, it stopped people asking me where I had been, or where I was going etc. It wasn't very nice though and eventually I moved away. So I'm sorry you have to put up with badly behaved neighbours - or their dogs - especially when you have some sight issues, that must make it difficult and I would think a bit scary for you.

I was talking with a friend recently about how difficult it can be to make friends these days. People seem very insular. I think it was easier when I was younger and kids played outside and the neighbours all knew each other, now everyone is out at work all day and they drive not walk, and seem to keep very much to themselves.

The library here has online reading groups, but I don't know if you would be able to access audiobooks... they do have interesting speakers come, if you could get one of your helpers to take you to something like that?

I don't know if a local volunteer organisation would have a volunteer visitor available - actually I think people who do that are lovely, and I used to see them in the town where I used to live take people with a disability out to a cafe... they used to chat with each other... it seemed a nice thing to do and it was clear the other person was enjoying it...

Just some random ideas, I can imagine it's tough for you. I hope your health continues to improve - maybe the spring will be easier for you than the colder months? Are you permitted a pet where you live, or would this be too difficult for you?

I certainly can relate to the difficult neighbours and it's a real shame that other people can make life so much more difficult for you. Where I used to live there was a blind from birth older woman living in an upstairs unit - she was basically marooned there - there were three steep flights of stairs for her to negotiate with a walking stick and blind - she said that unit was the only one she could get - she should have been in a downstairs unit. She seemed OK listening to books from the blind centre and she had people who phoned her regularly. I'm sure it wasn't easy for her though, and looking back I wish I had done more to help her.

Hugs from us here oxoxox

[Mum Chris]

Hi mmMekitty

I had a large message typed to send sometime ago and I didn’t send it and I lost it. Sorry.

I will catch up with posts did I tell you I had Covid. Brains a bit scattered since.

hope you have a wonderful night. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
MC

[mmMekitty]

Hi MC, I'm sorry I didn't get around to returning to this thread.

I hope the COVID is lifting by now, & that you weren't very ill with it.

I came here for another post I want to add, because of how much easier it seems to be to recognise something in someone else, before we may recognise the same in ourselves. As I do, I got to thinking, writtng here, & taking time to edit, too, between demands of life & distractions.

Often I think of people who write here, how much pain & sadness, how much worry & stress, how many of us have physical difficulties, financial limitations, & more on the way... sometimes it overwhelms me, & I always am thinking, I want to do more, but how much I can't.

Then some other thoughts &feelings resurge. I need to deal with some of those.

Do your damnedest to give the past what for!

Keep warm, ❤️❤️❤️❤️,

mmMekitty

[mmMekitty]

Hello, I'm writing for me, but of-course, people are welcome to read &post comments & questions.

* Mistakes Have Their Uses

A man I knew, over 14 years working with him, going from there, into an intimate relationship, into friendship alongside being co-workers, with him relying on me more & more, in the work place & to keep his secrets.

What did I want that would allow myself to be so manipulated at to do stuff I would ordinarily have not even thought of or considered doing? What was so important?

I've hated that person I was, so ashamed of her, & feeling so guilty, so much remorse, pain & anger towards me & him, that if I could have blotted those years out, I would have abandoned her there, as if to punish her forever. For what? wanting that lying, manipulative so&so to give me something he was incapable of giving me - a 'normal', romantic & intimate relationship like I'd not had?

If I was religious, I'd say I'd sold my soul to the devil. & he did what devils do with many justifications for doing what he did. His own actions hurt him as well.

I wasn't even actually living with him, so it's scary to think how much more awful if I had been. & scarier thinking that I would have if he'd asked.

As it was, it was his treatment of me that brought me to a crisis, when I could not hold my feelings back. In 1993, I knew, I needed a psychiatrist.

Even horrible mistakes have their uses.

Now I see the emotional neglect I grew up with, then into adulthood, never having a truly loving relationship with anyone. I thought I had, but no, always unhealthy, me being used & not treated as equal, to say the least.

My younger self was passive. I had trapped myself inside myself, while still a child, & it really did take the extreme of that relationship, & my over-stretched ability to contain how abused I'd been prior & during that relationship: the perfect storm.

It hurt to end the relationship, while ending his immediate abuse of me. I never had what I thought I had - not even a promise. Therefore, to let him go, I lose nothing.

*

mmMekitty