I am mmMekitty, named for my cat, (my avatar), who lived 7 years. It has been five or so years since, but I still miss her. Mekitty an I had a simpler relationship than any I have had with people.
The photo is the one I to retrieved after my hard drive crashed. She had wandered off, was away for six days, when she turned up again in the middle of the night. I cried with relief. This was the photo I used for her Lost Cat poster I put up around the neighbourhood at the time.
As for me, I cannot see the detail of the photo nearly as well as I did then, and then my sight was poor. I am now using text-to-speech software, zooming on my pc, voice over. Since I find this stuff difficult, I get really frustrated.
I used to keep all my emotions in check, so much so, I thought and said I did not have any feelings or reactions to anything. That changed and I could not deny the existence of my emotions. It was a terrifying time. What was happening to me? I was falling apart and all this unidentifiable stuff was pouring out.
I have had to learn so much since I began seeing the Psychiatrist I saw back then (1993 - 95). From learning I had to put words to the experiences, name, own, accept them. Still uncomfortable. I beat up on myself too much, I know.
I used to do things I can no longer do to my own satisfaction. I still sing, but not like I used to. I cannot paint like I did. I cannot use pen and paper to write, so have managed to adapt to keyboard. That is something. I have been working on being more sociable, less isolated, but last year, when COVID-19 retrictions required face masks be worn, I found I could not - which is what brings me here.
I have had to curtail so much of what I had been doing. I am feeling the isolation now. How ironic! I resisted even thinking I needed anybody, then I try to have some friends, join a writers' group, get help with things like housework and shopping, going to places for fun and entertainment, only to have to withdraw again because I cannot wear a mask. It bites, like a scorpion.
I will make a thread, now I found the place to click to create one! I think my problem was with how I have my desktop appearance. It looks like any ordinary link, hiding below another, for creating a feed link. Now I know.
I suppose I will get around to talking more about myself. I will need to be careful about how involved I become, so please, don't expect me to pop up everywhere. I would burn out if I did that.
There's a lot of the good ol' projection & self-referencing going on. I tend to think it's human, but it can cause problems because none of our ways of communicating is absolutely free from interpretation. We are so often trying to put into words, emotions & sensory experiences which are by their nature, wordless. Often we search for words, the exact words, but they don't seem to exist, or whatever words we find simply are not enough to convey the emotion (especially the emotion) of what we feel a need to express.
In all writing, unless you are writing some huge in depth work, what the reader sees is not the whole picture. Characters are not whole people, societies represented are not complete in their complexity either. We can hint, point towards a general perspective, but the reader does most of the work in their own minds. filling in detail the writer didn't include.
Songs are even more limited in their scope. The accompanying music might add depth & nuance or may even contradict what the words say. "You Are My Sunshine" is a perfect example; happy tune with such sad lyric.
Sometimes it's like walking a tight rope. Sometimes though, it might be a lot of fun. I always run the risk of my intent not being understood.
I like to play light-hearted stuff, & maybe even sneak something serious between the lines. Some people will see it, some won't I figure those who see my hidden text are aware enough, & able to take it, whereas those who don't, aren't. It's exactly as when I began being aware of the emotions I was denying, because I had become ready to (just barely) deal with them, & so they would not be denied any longer.
The Simpsons works & became so popular because it has this sort of layering. Some aspects kids get, while others adults will get. & as the kids grow up, they'll see repeats, & suddenly get some of the adult humour they didn't understand before.
So much is like that. That what makes going back to a novel you read when you were much younger so good.
I keep hoping my writing will be like that. I'd like to think of a reader going back to my writing & discovering things in there they didn't see the first or second time around.
Ah, but, even flat factual documents are open to interpretation, so I fear my truth, my perspectives may never be recognised.
How's that for deep? Lucky you are a walrus! 💖💖😺💖💖
💖💖Hi Mum Chris, 😻hope all is going well with you💖💖
This is a repeat, the internet swallowed the first half of my reply (hope it gets indigestion)
Anyway to go on ...
I think you may be casting pearls before walruses (which you can now see - I think handsome and dignified sums it up:)
You are talking about the difficulties of communication, I guess this has been going on since the first humans, and has resulted in people constantly seeking better ways to say what they mean, which is why we have everything from watercolors to grunge bands.
As you say the meaning depends upon the recipient, and the recipient changes from one innings to the next, possibly (if you are not a walrus:) picking up more as time goes on.
I guess the purveyor has to rely on the recipient - a partnership to a large extent.
This is exemplified in Matsuo Bashô's Frog Haiku
Translation #1 which leaves more to the reader:
Old pond — frogs jumped in — sound of water.
Translation #2 which leaves somewhat less:
A lonely pond in age-old stillness sleeps . . .
Apart, unstirred by sound or motion . . . till
Suddenly into it a lithe frog leaps.
A richer picture, but doe not take the reader to the ultimate reference, those three concepts (old pond, frog leaping, resultant sound) can be held to represent an old man meditating, spring and causes.
I'm sorry to say I can't seem to get the later Simpsons on DVD, I guess their marketing division thought permanent copies were a no no. Pity.
Interpretation, or even understanding, is particularly hard here on the Forum where communication is limited to short spasmodic texts.
Fear & anxiety strike again, it grips & twists,
Pulls me over, & tonight I am derailed.
On my pone, I walk my fingers from side to side, along the keys,
Pace trying to remember to breathe, slow & deep....
I thought I would be, but I'm not ready for tomorrow.
I've got to walk in on my own two feet.
At the moment I'm not sure I can.
Tomorrow won't be the worst day, & I still am not ready
for whatever she will have to say
My helper might be beside me,
& feel miles away.
A little dose of reality: what is going to happen
Ig going to be happening to me.
mmMekitty/Jamie Fleck (pseudonym) Dec 13 2021
I guess by now it is the end of tomorrow, and you may have received news, unwelcome or otherwise.
Your poem typifies courage, the fear that threatens to overwhelm, and then dealing with it, partly then as you write,, and partly later on when the event happens.
You show bravery, stoicism and good cheer plus fun and a sense of the ridiculous in the face of adversity -there is no better way to live life (are you blushing yet?)
You have my admiration - not just for last night and today, but ever since you arrived here and I learned of what you cope with.
You are never going to walk alone while you can write here, and even after that.
Hello Croix, Hanna, everyone,
I met with the breast surgeon today. She explained further about what the cancer in my breasts is, that it is 'low grade or grade one, common tumours & both are primary, & are oestrogen positive. The way my helper wrote up her notes, I think she got a bit confused...& my surgeon explained that one is connected to the pectoral muscle, which would explain the pain that took me to the GP in the first place.
I have a choice of having a lumpectomies with radiotherapy to follow. or total mastectomy with or without reconstruction surgery.
She outlined the follow up. I'll be taking hormone replacement therapy for 5 years.
Not Chemotherapy - phew!.
Having a double mastectomy seems much more straight forward. All done & dusted. & I'd be in hospital for 2-3 nights. (Really?)I Just may want prosthetics because, the wait time for reconstruction surgery is long.
I would need to decide about getting reconstructive surgery, & how to replace the tissue.
What is involved with reconstruction surgery sounds really scary. She told me of the options, one of which is Autologous where tissue from my abdomen would be brought to my chest, a 12 hour surgery, & then time in ICU, & lots more after care.
It is HIGH RISK surgery.
Implants also require lots of care in hospital, & after care.
I won't be rushing to that, unless I was to find prosthetics impossible.
Of-course lumpectomy attempts to preserve much of the breast tissue, it's just the appearance may not be as aesthetically pleasing by the end of it. & I'd still need mammogramss & ultrasounds to keep an eye on things.
But no breast, no mammogram. I would still need to have ultrasounds, though.
Then she said I will not be going in until January. First I go to a pre-admission clinic. Then an a date for my Surgery will be made, possibly mid-January.
On the day of whichever surgery, she said, I will also have a Lymph Node Biopsy.
So what does having breasts mean to me, & do think about it carefully. How important are they to my identity, my sexuality, gender, etcetera. Not so much that I want highly risky surgery.
So. I'll be around for Xmas!!
When I came back, I had a snooze, called my sis, & took quite a while writing this post, & hope I got it all correct...
💖💖💖to you, Croix, & 💖💖💖to you Hanna,
Ha, MC, you get around pretty well here! I love these reusable ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️all the more when they come from you!
I'll pass some on to Paul, ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️who I realise is the gentlest Eagle I ever could imagine.
& Croix, who has put up with so much bouncy kitty he's got a sore neck.❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ Am I right?
& Hanna, ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️whose Kindness & intellengence is self-evident.
& Smallwolf, I've got to go & track down that Smallwolf, you know, the one with the super powers infinite patience, & gentle empathy.
I have two friends who had their breasts removed in their fifites/sixties and they didn't have reconstruction surgery and they don't wear prosthetics and they look and feel fine! So it's entirely up to you, reconstructive surgery is a fair bit to take on, but I don't know your age and how important it is to you, but the results can be excellent.
My friends are well and happy years later.
Thinking of you, you have a lot on your plate to deal with at the moment.