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I spent my whole life pretending that everything is fine when it wasn't (sexual abuse)

Ghost_76
Community Member
I'm new to this. Just needed to talk to someone... anyone... need to know I'm not crazy
187 Replies 187

Birdy77
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Ghost,

Talk away!

This is a safe and non judgemental space and you're welcome to talk as much as you like.

We will listen and support you.

Good on you for reaching out 🌻 birdy

Bethie
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Ghost and welcome

Nah your not crazy... well at least by my standards your not.

We share what we've been/going through here and because it's all anonymous it is a safe non judgmental site.

Please ask anything...its ok. On the other end of the words you type are real people who even if they haven' been through similar experiences all share a common theme we are all doing our best in life just to be us..

Ghost_76
Community Member

Thanks Birdy and Bethie.

I'm having that way too familiar feeling again. Feeling like I'm in the deep dark ocean... slowly, but surely sinking. So hard too keep on kicking. Like I'm moving in slow motion. All my old demons dragging me down to that really dark place. Not sure why I can't just shake them...

Hi Ghost,

I would like to visit to say hi to you too if that’s okay.

Your latest post was very poignant and sad. It sounds like you’re being haunted, so to speak, by your past/old inner demons. I wonder if that’s partly why you chose the username “Ghost 76”... sorry, that’s just an aside and you don’t have to explain to me...

Anyway, your latest post really moved me. Even though I don’t really know you, I feel as though I can empathise with your pain. I feel your pain runs deep...

Caring thoughts,

Pepper

Bethie
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Ghost

BY the sound of it alot of small things have pilled up. If you can try writing down without thinking fast what's getting under your skin. I know for me 2 days ago it was I hadn't taped around the ac in my bedroom properly and had a mozzie coming in every night. OH btw the taped was sitting on top of the aircon waiting and took me about 5 seconds.

I hope this makes a bit of sence. My partner allways tell me I talk people in circles.

geoff
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member
hi Ghost, MI will do exactly what you have told us, sorry welcome to the site and thanks for posting your comment.
It's concerning that you may have trigger points which could be the start of your demons and that's what we have to either teach you or advise you to do to get the help needed to bring you back to being in a comfortable situation.
It's not pleasant having to live where you are currently situated, so please are you able to tell us a bit more, and don't worry this site is friendly, you won't be criticised, because all of us have been in a similar position that has lasted for over many years. Geoff.

Birdy77
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hello again Ghost😊

Lovely to hear back from you, but I'm so sorry you're finding things so hard at the moment. It sounds like you're in a really difficult place 😔.

You used the metaphor of the ocean, and how hard it feels to keep on kicking. One of the community champions on this forum, Doolhoff suggests that when we feel like this, when we don't feel we have the strength to swim right now, it's ok to just float for a while.

I know you said you feel like you're sinking, but maybe if you tried revisualisung it as floating it might help a little.

Bethie has a good idea above (and it made sense Bethie, you didn't talk in a circle😊).

Ghost, do you have a counsellor or therapist that you have talked to in the past? You said it's a familiar feeling. It might be helpful to set up some talking support such as a psychologist through your GP to help you through this time.

Reaching out here is a really good first step, to know you're not alone ... maybe reading some other threads may help, everyone here is very compassionate and understanding and we all are working with our own demons and stuggles, so we get it.

You can use this thread to air more of your feelings if you would like to (no pressure though, only if it helps you). You can write whatever you like, it's a safe place. If you'd like to say more of what you're feeling, we are here to listen and support you.

You are not alone.

Very caring thoughts to you Ghost.

🌻 birdy

Thanks Again to all of you.

I was diagnosed with PSD and major depression a fair while back. Went through a really bad time. I worked through it. I thought it was all done and dusted. I really put my family through hell... I should be on top of this, but I'm not... so stupid!!!! My head is a mess. Went to my GP - he gave me a mild depression medication and a sleeping pill. I'm angry at myself, because I should be on top of this! I thought it was all good! But it's not... it's always there... hiding in the back of my mind... I

Birdy77
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Ghost, you're not stupid, and it's not a case of you 'should' be on top of this. You are being very hard on yourself (and i do understand that very well, as do others here).

Also, as Geoff mentioned, that is the nature of depression and ptsd, it's not something that can always be done and dusted.

It's good you've seen your GP. Do you think it might help to organise some talking therapy, to help sort out what's going on in your head?

I want to say that i hope you can be more gentle with yourself.

If i or anybody here posted to you that my head was a mess and i should be on top of this and I'm stupid, i think you would be sympathetic and understanding and compassionate ... please give some of that compassion and gentleness to yourself?

Feel free to write more here if it helps and remember you're not alone in the way that you are feeling.

Go gently Ghost.

🌻 birdy