I made a big mistake...
I have been feeling suicidal for a while, and that's just been a common fact about me. But, I don't tend to tell people this. There was this guy, a few years older than me (he's a year 12) and he's been helping me out, he's a good friend of mine, but sometimes he gets angry when I do what he says is "stupid things" to myself. At least, I know he cares.
We go to drama together, and I only get to see him for two hours each week, which is hard, but that's not the point.
I made a big mistake:
I opened up a group chat, with about 10 people (my friends from drama) and I wrote a goodbye note. I don't think I should have done that. I also have anxiety, so I'm kinda scared that I made a mistake. I just wanted to say goodbye, in case I did something. I'm not planning anything just yet, but it was a "Just in case" note. I didn't tell them that though.
Only one person has replied. What should I do?
I know that you don't want to hear this and that you do not believe that you have a concern with your current weight, however, from what we have talked about in the past with your weight and your height I feel like cornflakes and I both share the same concern.
I think it would be a great idea to go to the doctor, to see what they say. Just a question though, if you know that cornflakes has worry for you isn't this enough? He is a dear friend to you and just like me, has your best interest at heart, do you need to hear that your weight is an issue from a doctor?
I know you do restriction and things like that I don't want to make this harder or upset you in anyway but we have had this conversation before and I am so very worried about your relationship with food and with your body and I hope you can get some help with this as I want you to be healthy, and happy and live a full life.
I hope you are not upset by what I have said here as it is coming from a place of care.
Huge hugs Nik
Rest assured, I am not upset.
Cornflakes knows I disagree with him about the weight, and he wanted me to get a third party in, to see who was right, so that's why I sent a post. I guess now I know he was right all along. It's just sometimes hard to believe him when I can't see what he is talking about.
Sure, I have a really bad relationship with food (which I see as the enemy) and my body (which I hate so much).
How do I gain the courage to talk to a doctor about this? What do I say to my parents? I really don't want them to know what's going on, because last time they knew I was doing this they only made things worse (i understand they try, but they don't understand enough, and they don't listen to what I need. They tend to just threaten me with punishments if i don't eat food, that it makes me feel as if I have done something extremely bad, and that I am a horrible kid, instead of making me feel understood. In fact, I feel as if their focus is misplaced. Most of the time they focus on the fact that I lie to them, then the fact that I'm really hurting on the inside.) I want help, but I don't want my parent's involved.
What can I do?
Why does it feel as if I'm not happy enough for what I have in life? I have all these new friends and friendship groups and yet I find myself slipping back into sadness whenever I'm alone, or even when I'm with people. I ruin people's days because of it. Because I just get randomly sad and spend a lot of nights crying and reading over all messages and cards from friends. Like I just want someone to care about me.
Like, I feel selfish. I have things so much better than I used to. I have multiple friends I can hang out with whenever I need, and a best friend who I can talk to about anything, and have even started hanging out with outside of school. But sometimes I just feel really sad. I want to be happy and I want to love life.
Why can't I?
I really want to be happy, accept myself, love myself. But I can't and I don't feel like I'm living my life to my full potential. There's so much I want to do now that I want my life. Why am I so sad? I don't wanna be sad. I want to be happy!
It is really lovely to chat to you again and even though I can hear how much you are questioning your happiness and why you are not happy, that you are feeling so sad and you are crying each night and I am so sorry that you are experiencing this really confusing time. I can hear some really positive things too, like how you do have friends and that you are apart of a friendship group, that you do want to have wonderful happy experiences and a full life, this is really awesome Nik and it is so far from where you were when we have spoken in the past.
See, the old brain is a funny thing and even though you do have all these great things in your life, that you "should" feel happy about and you "should" feel grateful for but you just don't, you just dont feel happy and you do spend time crying and wondering why. I know you are struggling with the idea of seeing a GP or getting some professional help but maybe it is time to get some assistance with these feelings, see it is not always as easy as making external changes and having everything be "perfect" in life, therefore I "should" be happy, sometimes it is internal factors that need some help too.
You have had so much on your plate and I am so very proud of you for how far you have come, to read that things mostly are going well for you and you see no reason why you should be crying at night and feeling alone and like you are not enough. I want you to see how far you have come from when we chatted in the first few posts and how things were pretty rough with friends and feeling like you didn't have anyone but cornflakes, I feel like things are different now?
We care about you Nik and I am very sure that your friends do care about you too. What do you need from them to help you to see that they do care? Maybe this is something to think about and maybe address what these things are that would help you to know that they do care about you too.
Hugs to you Nik and it is really lovely to chat to you some more and hear how you are going.
Thank you for your reply. 🙂
I know things have come far, and I am very grateful that it is this way, and I want to be proud of myself. And I remember when I only had cornflakes to help me, and now I have all these people and no cornflakes. His name has changed to Beef Jerky cause he is being a jerk to me and that is my coping mechanism towards it.
Anyway, that's not the point. What do I need from them to help me feel as if they do care? I don't know. I kinda just want to be reminded how much they love and care about me, but most importantly I want to believe it. I want to fully believe my best friend, P, when she tells me she loves me.
Things are very different now. There's this bunch of guys, and while they can be loud and weird, and just like teenage boys can be sometimes, they include me more than they used to, because I have a bit more confidence and most importantly I try to talk to them. I have a best friend, who I love and have started to hang out with outside of school and we are actually planning to go out to lunch together. I just wish I could hang out with her more. I get so jealous when she laughs with other people, like she's gonna leave me for them and then I feel like I get too overprotective and take it the wrong way. I plan to talk to her about it and let her know what's going on, cause we are very open. I just want to tell her I have trouble trusting people because of cornflakes and others, and if I come of as angry or blunt, that's why and I don't mean to be that way, I just love her a lot. I have some other friends that I used to walk around with at lunch, but one of them is on holidays at the moment. And I'm starting to realise how much my drama friends have been there for me and how much I misunderstood and didn't appreciate them enough and I know try my hardest to. B and I have a great texting relationship about her Minecraft obsession and I love how easy it is for her to send messages of herself to me and we can just laugh.
And see, while all these good things are happening, whenever I'm alone I feel sad, and whenever I hang around too many people I get tired easily and need to be alone to get my energy back. It feels like an endless cycle. Happiness and sadness. And sometimes I feel like my depression is coming back, and I try so hard to keep it at bay, because I don't need it right now.
as I looked at your latest post I was reminded of a story my psychologist told me. Well, perhaps not quite a story but it relates to the ups and downs with our moods...
our mental health goal might be to get to the top of the mountain - that is when everything is back to "normal" or "cured". I tend to think of the mountain as perhaps having no tip, but that is my mountain. Sometimes we might have to go through a valley in order to find a better path to the top of the mountain. It might not, or is not fun to have to go through the valley, but knowing there will also be a point when we will go up again out of that valley means we are on our way again... You have not gone down to the ground and still on the journey to the top. (And for me, as long as I am moving forward I have not stopped.)
I hope that helps a little.
I mean, that makes sense, I just don't understand why I get sad. I don't need to be sad. In a way, and using your scenario, it's like I'm going up the mountain; things are getting better, but my emotions are staying the same. So while I'm improving, I'm also not.
But you are right, I want to be normal, and maybe I wont get there. But I shouldn't be sad for the rest of my life whenever I'm alone, right? Or is this as good as I'm going to get. Happy on the outside, but still feeling like I'm missing something on the inside, like something isn't right.
Or maybe I'm just overanalysing everything, and it's normal to be sad half the time and happy the other half. If I'm being honest, it's almost like a mood swing; random and sudden. But it feels like my depression and I don't understand it.
I should be grateful that I've moved up he mountain and become better than last year and it'll sound stupid if I say this, but I wish someone would just say they are proud of me. Cornflakes in particular. But of course, he never will. And I know that I should be proud of myself, and learn to be proud of myself. But for some reason I can't and just wish others would say it. Once, a girl told me she was glad I was eating again, and it really really made my day. More than she'll ever know.
It is great to get an update on the people in your life and how things change, that is one thing that it really true in life and more so when we are young, people flow in and out of our lives and this is not necessarily a bad thing. As we grow and change so do others and we find we don't mesh with those anymore and then we find new people that come into our lives and mesh perfectly. I think it is kind of exciting, to meet new people and to learn new things, and as you are finding with your new friend you have a wonderful connection and are able to be open and to chat about all sorts of things.
Just a little reminder, P has no reason to tell you she cares if in fact she does not. Also her actions will speak louder than words so notice that too. It is hard to trust and to believe but P has nothing to gain by making up how she values your friendship so while I know it is hard to believe and to accept, if her actions are showing you she is a caring friend I would accept her words and her actions. If you need to hear from her more often as some reassurance as to her friendship and her care for you you could just simply say to her "thank you for your friendship" or " thank you for being my friend", and let her talk and this is sometimes how we can get some extra validation from time to time.
I noticed too when I was younger that boys to provide a very different environment in a friend circle to what girls do, it is very interesting and I also found it more comfortable to hang with the boys than with the girls. We are all so different and yet all very similar, and at times when we are trying to find where we fit and who is in our tribe and understand ourselves it can be so hard to feel like we do fit anywhere, you are doing so well Nik and I am proud of you.
I hope you have had a great day and are enjoying this stunning sunshine.
Chat soon to you,
I went to a nice café with P (I wanna think of a food name. Peppermint keeps coming to my mind, I think I'm gonna use that) today, which was great, still half anxious that she thinks I'm a weirdo and doesn't actually want to be around, but I am way more comfortable around her, then I'll ever be around cornflakes. He terrifies me these days.
The guys I hang out with can be really weird, but at least some of them know my name now.
What I'm honestly scared about is what if nobody truly cares about me and sooner or later they'll move to someone better? I don't want to lose anymore people, I'm still struggling with the loss of cornflakes and while it still hurts, it doesn't hurt as much as it did the first time it happened.
I saw him a week ago. I was too nervous to function properly. I wanted to show him how much I had improved, but the mere existence of him there made me nervous and scared, I could barely eat, and while I wanted him to be there, I also automatically wanted him gone. I didn't want him there. Not the way he is now. I want the old him there, and I was hoping my mind had made up the change, but I wasn't wrong. He's different and terrifying. A lot of people don't understand why I am scared of him after all of what he did for me.
I guess the easiest way to explain it is that he's unpredictable at the moment. I have no idea what he's going to say, how he is going to react, what he is going to do, and that unknown part scares me.
Thank you for saying you are proud of me. I wish more people said it. Cause it makes me realise that it's a good thing I recovered, and that even though all these bad things happened at the exact time I began to recover, it was a coincidence and it didn't mean anything.
Perhaps I will be dealing with mental health my whole life. But I hope I can beat it eventually.