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I made a big mistake...

_Nik_
Community Member

hi,

I have been feeling suicidal for a while, and that's just been a common fact about me. But, I don't tend to tell people this. There was this guy, a few years older than me (he's a year 12) and he's been helping me out, he's a good friend of mine, but sometimes he gets angry when I do what he says is "stupid things" to myself. At least, I know he cares.

We go to drama together, and I only get to see him for two hours each week, which is hard, but that's not the point.

I made a big mistake:

I opened up a group chat, with about 10 people (my friends from drama) and I wrote a goodbye note. I don't think I should have done that. I also have anxiety, so I'm kinda scared that I made a mistake. I just wanted to say goodbye, in case I did something. I'm not planning anything just yet, but it was a "Just in case" note. I didn't tell them that though.

Only one person has replied. What should I do?

148 Replies 148

_Nik_
Community Member

Hey,

I'm grateful that some people don't have to go through the struggles of mental health. I am grateful that there are people that are free from all this.

I just wish I was one of them.

I don't see the boy at school. He lives an hour a way from me, he goes to my drama. I barely know him. I met him a year ago. I don't know whether he really just wants to hang out. Maybe I shouldn't go. Maybe it's not worth it. I'll invite some other friends of ours he can hang out with instead of me, he'll prefer it anyway.

I don't know how to cope with life anymore. Maybe I'm just having a really bad day.

- Nik

smallwolf
Community Champion
Community Champion
You sound quite low at the moment. :(

Perhaps trying to talk yourself out of meeting him?

It is a natural thing to do. However both my psychologist and psychiatrist said to me that the best thing to do in these instances is to do the opposite of what your mind tells you.

In my case I had bailed out of a couple of meeting with little to no warning and I told my psychs that I was not in the mood. By going and doing something it would act.as a distraction. I might have even enjoyed myself.

How are things going in drama? Or at school? How about your friends?

Tim

_Nik_
Community Member

Hey,

Yeah I am talking myself out of meeting him. I really don't think I want to go anymore. I never go out with my friends, so I'm really not used to this.

I go back to drama in 3 days, I haven't been for two months and I am missing it so much. I can't wait to see cornflakes and eclair (my two friends. You probably missed the fact that I give people codenames according to the first letter of their names)

School... Well school sucks. That's all I have to say about it.

- Nik

smallwolf
Community Champion
Community Champion

Remember a short while ago I mentioned an exercise with something to look forward to, an accomplishment etc. It sounds to me like

  • drama is something you are looking forward to
  • getting through the school days at the moment is an accomplishment
  • thankful for my friends - cornflakes and eclair

When I am down, seeing something positive in a message can be very difficult - that is something I know quite well. And that is OK also. Perhaps I could ask one small favour of you.... don't throw away positives messages you might find or receive - there may be a moment when you read them again, and so "yeah! that moment was good". It might only be a moment but that moment offered a sliver of hope.

Do you want to share something about your friends in drama classes?

Tim

_Nik_
Community Member

Hey,

My friends at drama are the most accepting bunch of kids. I know I am biased, but I believe kids who do acting accept every type of person, because most of the time we are very unique. We have a lot of the LGBTQI community (including myself) and a lot of us have experienced bullying and being excluded for being weird. But at drama, no-one judges and its a place where we can escape and be with people who are like us, and who accept us.

I met cornflakes a year ago. He finished year 12 last year, and has been a great support to me. He often makes sure I'm ok, and is just a really nice person. He gives great hugs, and knows exactly what to say. Well... most of the time he does.

Eclair, I also met a year ago. She's a really cute girl, whom I love to death, and is just a really great girl to hang out with. We stick together a lot. I don't really remember how we met, but as soon as we did, we became pretty good friends. She has a best friend who is at drama too, and is also another one of my good friends.

There is the boy who invited me to hang out. He's nice. We acted in a scene together, and that's how we met.

Then there's this other guy, who is a year older than me, and we barely talk, but we are really good friends.

In fact, while there are really nice people at my drama, i tend not to talk that much, I just stick to myself, until cornflakes gets frustrated with me, and asks me whats wrong. I usually say fine. He never believes me.

That's my drama.

- Nik

smallwolf
Community Champion
Community Champion

It sounds like you get excited by drama!

Do you meet with these people outside of drama classes? They sound like nice people. And you will see them tomorrow? Are you looking forward to seeing them again?

Tim

_Nik_
Community Member

Hey,

Yes i am seeing them tomorrow. We had a break for two months. I really need to speak to them all again, I miss them all so much.

No, we don't see each other outside of drama. They all live on the other side of melbourne.

- Nik

smallwolf
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hope your day is going well with your drama friends...

... maybe later you could tell me all about it?

_Nik_
Community Member

Hey,

It was ok. Cornflakes gave me a hug when he saw me, and i gave him my thank you letter with a hand drawn picture I had made him. He was pretty happy with that. He gave me the donuts he had gotten from his work to give to my dad, and then told me he had organised a bunch of his friends, his girlfriend to all go on the mental health walk to support me, which is super nice and i can't believe he actually did that for me.

We got our scripts (our performances has moved a week or so earlier, so we need to get into rehearsals earlier, and start practicing our script), We are doing the jungle book and Aesop's fables.

We did a get to know you game, which I absolutely hate every time we do it.

I had a mental breakdown because I don't think I deserve to be in the level of acting that I am because I am a rubbish actor.

I gave eclair her valentines gift. Then I ran away.

- Nik

_Nik_
Community Member

Hey,

I have an issue.

Cornflakes thinks I should see a doctor for my eating issues, but I disagree. I don't think there's anything wrong with what I am doing.

Should I see a doctor anyway, to see if Cornflakes is right?

- Nik