I just feel like i have no chance..
A bit of context: im 23, studying full time and i work a little bit on the side as a tutor.
Ive been dealing with this crap for 4 years now and it hasn't exactly gotten any better.
As a result of depression and social anxiety ive had no relationships, no girlffriends, no sex, no nothing. Increasingly over time friends are starting up relationships and enjoying feeling desired. I tried tinder once, and actually met a girl who as it turned it out had a fair bit in common with me but because of my depression and anxieties i was a total mess. I screwed it up.. That was just over a year ago. I still haven't been able to get over it. It was the first time i had actually ever been on anything (even though she maintained it wasnt really a date). The only other time before that was with a girl i spoke to at uni and got friendly with. She was insane. Told me mental health wasnt even a thing.. then she just ignored me and that friendship ended in the dumps. I feel gross, less of a man and feel like i will just be on the scrap heap. Whats worse is that it just gets harder and harder as you get older.
If i have another person tell me i must have it good because im a tall guy, relatively good looking (apparently i am according to some, yet i dont think so.. or else i wouldnt be failing so much) and that "the girls" must like me i may punch them in the face. It's warped too.. when people compliment you on your appearance your immediate response should not be anger... but if people actually knew the hurt and pain... i feeel like i should be out there... or else im just gonna regret my young years..
I just feel so alone. My depression has creeped up on me and my anxiety is through the roof. No use talking to my family.. they haven't learned anything. Im not going back to hospital. Its boring. It gets in the way. I feel like i dont belong there...
Anyway. Feels a bit better to say that here.
This is just a down day, things will come up again... I don't think you'll be stuck at home your whole life, you are working through your life, I don't think many people at 23 have their whole life sorted out and know what they are going to do with it for the rest of their existence.
Wait until the results come in for the psychometric test, you might of done really well, it is common to think you did bad on a test as you starting running through each answer in your head and question it.
Hopefully tomorrow is a better day for you.
You are right yeah, it's just that it feels pathetic at this point. I almost feel guilty. Guilty that i dont have enough money. I feel like a loser.. probably because i am
I'm gonna drive to uni today to see a mental health seminar. Then i am gonna go to a cafe near uni i like for lunch. Do some reading while i am there.
Im not doing anything today so i figured i might as well. Beats sitting around home. I could go to the gym but i cant do much when im this depressed.
I know i have failed the psychometric test because i was guessing a heap of them. It feels like i should know them. They are not meant to be easy but i dont think that means i have to guess it... god its depressing.
Anyway. Thats my plan for today. Just exercising a bit of freedom. Because why not
Sorry to hear you've gone downhill but I'm glad to see you're making plans to keep you busy. These feelings will pass this is a bad day just go back through your thread and read and confirm to yourself that it does pass and this is the depression speaking.
You're being extremely hard on yourself HamSolo01. It is shit being broke but isn't that part of life as a uni student? Go ask around I'm sure the students who don't have family to live with are in the same position. I know being a uni student meant there were days I didn't eat so you're doing pretty well if you're able to go out for lunch my friend 😊.
As to work...you start at the bottom and work your way up. You're expecting so much of yourself but the reality is you're not pathetic at all just totally normal 😊. And being harsh on yourself! Consider this...I'm 32, I don't use my degree and am applying for jobs as a cleaner. Am I pathetic? Would you judge me as hard as you judge yourself? I don't think so. I think you'd go well she has a MI and an autoimmune disease and two kids to support and she's doing the best she can. So how about giving the same kindness to yourself??
I am yet to meet a 23 year old with all their financial situations sorted out, I know many people who haven't sorted it out until their early 30's.. there is no time on when things have to be done by, it all happens in time... I know it's not what you want to hear but it is the truth.
How did the rest of your day work out anyway? How was the mental health seminar?
I'm done with this holiday plan for the end of the year. Bloody waste of time. Nothing good on offer because everyone apparently wants to go at the same time and we can all just put our lives on collective pause.
I'm just angry and annoyed at the moment. At myself and the world. I don't care anymore. I'm sick of depression and anxiety and wish I could just man up and get a job and make money and actually enjoy my life. But I always have to find something wrong with it. Something has to be wrong. It always is. Why can't things just work. Work and not screw up.
I'm just gonna be some sad loser. I already am. No one cares for me. I mean my family do which is good dont get me wrong. But why should I bother with any of this really...
Hmm you've really got the intimidating anger going today. I'm almost worried to reply thinking I'll say the wrong thing. But I'll say it anyway....what's with the pressure you put on yourself about money and work?
Yes money makes life a hell of a lot easier but you don't have to put your life on hold just because you're strapped for cash. And you do have a job tutoring. Ok so maybe it's not what you had in mind for yourself but give yourself a break please. The standards you're setting for yourself are so high.
Once I cared what people thought about me using my degree. About my job and how people viewed me. Then I could barely walk. And I wanted to die all the time but couldn't because I had children to care for. And I felt like my whole world had been ripped out from under me at 30 years old. It puts things in perspective.
Take a deep breath HamSolo01 and remind yourself of the techniques you use to get through the lows and manage your anger. These bad days will pass. And when you're in a better space you'll see all the alternative options. Ok so US over Xmas is busy and expensive.... So when is a quiet time? The earlier you book tickets the cheaper it is so ok maybe it won't be December maybe it will be March? In the meantime what are you doing to help yourself feel good? Been for a walk lately? Hit the gym? Find a quiet lawn area in the sun and read? Go for a bike ride with a friend. Doesn't have to cost much. Just get out and enjoy something.
Please take care of yourself HamSolo01.
I know you're having a patch of bad days but you always come out of these and look at them in such a good perspective, the storm will pass. Remember you did get a job, you got the tutoring job... you already ahead with that, tutoring is what you are good at, you are good at helping people.. that is a character trait not a lot of people actually have.
i had a pretty sh*t saturday but an okay sunday. I went to a convention yesterday with a couple of friends and some others. It was all anime and such, not something I'm into but i really liked the art there. I think it motivated me to find art as a form of therapy.. weird hey. They had a section where you could draw and i did a bit.
Going yesterday also motivated me to look for something like that for star wars fans. Might as well look for something.
The money scenario is bugging me though. Tutoring simply is not enough and im not happy just sitting idly by waiting for something to happen. This was my logic in applying for the bookstore earlier this year but at that point in time i hadnt worked through a lot of my anxieties. Thats all there is to it. No point regretting it.
I think the best thing now is to leave it where it is. The students i have already dont seem to be showing interest in tutoring anymore. Idk why. I cant be bothered trying to motivate them because i feel like im not motivated myself. I dont see value in many things because ive tried and failed too much. I just need to be smart.
Im depressed today but i just need to work through it. Gonna book in my psych too. I have a new ESL student ill be meeting at uni so thatll be cool. And i have a group interview on wednesday for the phone centre at uni to call alumni to get their money into the uni donations lol. Thatll be something different i guess.
Im still depressed that i havent got plans for post uni. Travel wont be enjoyable until i have a plan because i will spend my time worrying too much. Its annoying that depressiok just makes me so unmotivated. i need motivation in order to get anything done in life. Its such a catch 22... sucks.
I hate psychologists that tell me i should be happy and young and free and all that. Im depressed for gods sakes... and im probably too smart for my own good. Uni is hell because im alone. Life is hell because im alone. Im just exhausted and running on empty everyday.. But i have no choice
It sounds like yesterday was nice.
What do you think helped you about the convention? It sounds like that was able to break the pattern you later in your post described as not being motivated.
Sorry, I'm not ignoring the rest of your post. I can see your day today's not looking good, but it seems like you're trying to get yourself going? So I wonder if we can think about what worked yesterday, and why it's not working on days like Saturday or even today.
Glad your Sunday was better, it's good you realised that the day was better than Saturday... that is part of the key to recovery I think. I think it's good you found the art interesting in the anime.. as mental health sufferers we find things that soothe our minds in the most unlikely of places.
I am glad to read you are booking your psych again, you do seem a lot better after you see them. I understand the issues with the tutoring as well and motivating others can be tough when you struggle to motivate yourself but I think you find peace in helping others which if you're anything like me, helps me when I help others.
Hopefully the job comes through at uni for the call centre. I know making plans can be anxious and worrying especially regarding travel but I think once you make them it will give you something to look forward too and something to aim for.
Hopefully you have a good week.