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I just feel like i have no chance..

HamSolo01
Community Member

A bit of context: im 23, studying full time and i work a little bit on the side as a tutor.

Ive been dealing with this crap for 4 years now and it hasn't exactly gotten any better.

As a result of depression and social anxiety ive had no relationships, no girlffriends, no sex, no nothing. Increasingly over time friends are starting up relationships and enjoying feeling desired. I tried tinder once, and actually met a girl who as it turned it out had a fair bit in common with me but because of my depression and anxieties i was a total mess. I screwed it up.. That was just over a year ago. I still haven't been able to get over it. It was the first time i had actually ever been on anything (even though she maintained it wasnt really a date). The only other time before that was with a girl i spoke to at uni and got friendly with. She was insane. Told me mental health wasnt even a thing.. then she just ignored me and that friendship ended in the dumps. I feel gross, less of a man and feel like i will just be on the scrap heap. Whats worse is that it just gets harder and harder as you get older.

If i have another person tell me i must have it good because im a tall guy, relatively good looking (apparently i am according to some, yet i dont think so.. or else i wouldnt be failing so much) and that "the girls" must like me i may punch them in the face. It's warped too.. when people compliment you on your appearance your immediate response should not be anger... but if people actually knew the hurt and pain... i feeel like i should be out there... or else im just gonna regret my young years..

I just feel so alone. My depression has creeped up on me and my anxiety is through the roof. No use talking to my family.. they haven't learned anything. Im not going back to hospital. Its boring. It gets in the way. I feel like i dont belong there...

Anyway. Feels a bit better to say that here.

759 Replies 759

Hey HamSolo01,

I understand. I could have written that post. At therapy the psychiatrist said something that got me worked up and I couldn't figure out why.

He said: why do you think I'm not listening to you?

I took me a week to figure out why this upset me. Because in therapy he IS listening to me. It's the first time in my life someone has. And it's only because I pay him to listen. That made me sad. That it takes me 8 months of trying to communicate to my husband that my job is upsetting me. That it takes me years of asking for help for anyone to accept I have a problem. I don't want to talk to the psychiatrist. I want my loved ones to pay attention to me because they think I'm worth listening to.

In therapy the psychiatrist said I am extremes. Like your posts today vs the ones you posted a few days ago. A world apart with no half way days. He said I am so used to being ignored that I bury it until I explode. That I don't know how to communicate issues and conflicts quietly as they arise because I have learnt to say nothing because I'll be ignored and to wait until my feelings become so bad that my extreme reaction feels warranted. My way to force people to PAY ATTENTION 😊.

But the downside is feeling resentful and hurt and unimportant and unworthy. And while I continue to act like this improving my self esteem is almost impossible because I reenforce to myself daily you're opinion doesn't matter.

And then the kicker... I miss out on what I want to do because I can't communicate. Like sticking in this toxic job for ages and feeling like life is a waste because there are so many things I want to do but I'm trapped.

The solution isn't easy because it involves change and risk. Earlier this week I exploded at my husband expecting him to leave me but I was done with feeling hopeless. To my surprise he listened and said he had no idea why I thought my opinion didn't matter because it does. And he made the minor changes that I asked for and has been encouraging my decisions. My point.... It is only hopeless in OUR heads HamSolo01. But when we actually decide and choose and take action things happen.

One example... You wanting a relationship. You think social awkwardness limits you but it's also a benefit. Your GF will get the benefit of knowing the 'real you' with the security of knowing you're unlikely to flirt with other women as you're socially anxious. Same situation. Different perspective.

hey quercus

Good morning

You are right yes. Dad told me yesterday that i'll get there in the end. By 'there' he means the right place and at the right time. Just because i cant see it yet doesnt mean it wont happen. It comes with the territory of uni too i guess. Its such an angsty time...

I got that new tutor job. Have to sign a contract etc this week. Hoping to get some new students. It's helpful to do but I still worry about finances. Hopefully he will have some international students i can tutor though. I get depressed when i put in effort like that and it goes nowhere or has very little impact.

Right now i havent got out of bed yet but i will. Need to take it easy today. I will maybe look at stuff for my end of year holiday. USA here i come haha.

I'm gonna say a few things now which may be uncomfortable but i need to get them out there. The whole thing with relationships seems to have been tarnished by my experiences with religion. This is because i was taught at a very young age to keep sex til marriage and what not. Sex was and is everywhere. I then became hooked on porn as a result. It was a horrible combo of guilt. I eventually gave up the religion because of my own realisations that it was made up. I also learned to accept that i can be fine without it. It helped me in every way.

The relationships thing that hangs around in the back of my mind does so because of the sense of adequecy/acceptance i think i will get from it on a personal level. Its wrong. I can have moments where i feel fine on my own and i am good with things.

I might have social anxiety but i know how to relate to people. I can do it, i just find it exhausting. But i have made improvements. I guess for now i just have to wait a bit longer.

For now my goal is money. Thats the focus. I know when im able to start saving more ill be happier. All the relationship will come by at some point. I do have social skills. Im just anxious about it. I keep reminding myself that in differing circumstances i probably would have a gf. But the reasons i dont are many and they include monetary ones, mental health and the fact that i want to travel and study overseas. I guess relationships are also time and place dependent. I thought of maybe getting tinder again or other dating sites but i will do thst when i got some more cash.

Hi HamSolo01,

Congratuations on the tutoring job. That's great news. And planning a holiday sounds awesome. A reward just for you when you finish your degree. My sister went to the US last year and loved it. Didn't want to come home. What did you have in mind to see?

This is interesting...

The relationships thing that hangs around in the back of my mind does so because of the sense of adequecy/acceptance i think i will get from it on a personal level. Its wrong. I can have moments where i feel fine on my own and i am good with things.

That makes sense to me. A relationship truly does confirm in your mind that you are a desirable human being in a way that casual sex or being alone can't. I've always felt like that. I'm happy enough in my own company but there is something so very appealing about having someone who cares about me just as I am. I'm unable to make myself feel as good about being "me" as I feel about being part of an "us". Maybe it is wrong but you're not alone in feeling like this.

Ah porn. You can't escape sex unfortunately it is everywhere. Nothing to feel guilty about HamSolo01. My friends and I have discussed porn being one of the hardest influences to explain to a young adult in terms of how to relate it to a real relationship. Most especially when you try to relate it to teaching ideas such as keeping sex for marriage. It's bloody confusing and such a mixed bag of feelings.

I decided one day I'll explain it to my kids as the content in porn being more like casual sex... All about appearance and lust and taking what you want with no real care factor.

A true relationship in contrast is being with someone who respects and cares for you. The lust and fun and excitement is there but there is also the element of trust that they will respect your boundaries and the knowledge that they desire you for more than what your body can give them. What they choose to do is their business and I won't judge will probably just encourage my kids to at least keep one thing for marriage so that they have the joy of learning something new with their husband/wife.

As you can see I suppose I'm not good at being religious haha. But where you started feeling it's all BS... I went down the path of I can be a terrible Catholic and have faith regardless 😊. Neither is wrong in my mind.

Try to be patient with yourself HamSolo01 you're Dad's advice is solid. Just look at your progress and keep trying.

BballJ
Community Member

Hi HamSolo01,

I have caught up on your posts since I last posted a couple of days ago and it seems from your last post things were looking a little bit better for you, which is great.

Congratulation on getting the tutoring job, it seems to be something you are good at and that is helping people so well done for doing it.

One thing I picked up in one of your posts was that you hate getting told to stay positive. I actually agree with this so much... the stay positive and things will get better statement is one of the worst things you can say to someone suffering from anything, it's almost a cop out, just as worse as saying, oh things aren't that bad, you'll be ok. I get that so much and end of the day, we need to just use each day as a chance to grow in ourselves and simply try and get better as best as we can and that is working through our mental issues with psychologists and doctors.

You never know regarding the relationship that you might meet the girl of your dreams overseas, if you manage to travel think of it as a new opportunity to sort of reinvent yourself as you never would of met any of the people you will meet overseas and sort of have a fresh start. Your current goal is just to earn more money, that is great, you are young and these are the best times to work as hard as you can to travel and do the things you want to do.

May I ask, about your social anxiety, do you get all flustered whenever you have to go out anywhere with people or is more just not wanting to feel awkward when you are out with people? I don't know much about social anxiety so just wondering.

My best,

Jay

james1
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hey Mitch,

I just wanted to drop by and say congratulations on the job.

Also a big good on you for trying to keep an eye on what you know when your feelings are going haywire. You are totally making progress.

I went on and off okcupid so I think it's good that you're thinking about using it when you feel comfortable. Like you said to Em, love can pop up at the most unexpected times so it's not the most important thing to go chasing after.

James

HamSolo01
Community Member

Good evening everyone

nice to hear from you james and jay

Things are going relatively okay I think. Certainly not as bad as they were back 3-4 weeks back.

I signed the contract for tutoring today. Should be interesting to see if I can get some students coming in.I immediately started worrying about it this afternoon thinking that if I did not get any I would be back to square 1 with finding work and a job. I started to regret not taking up that job offer at the book store... But then I caught myself out and realised that things were different back then and they are better now... so the point I had to learn from there was that life is transitory. things are okay but then they can be bad... it's just how life is.

The good thing is that I am still at uni. The choice to remain was a good one. Gives me more time to piece things together. I need to remember not to rush fixing things.. because every single time I have done so it has backfired.

the loneliness I feel on a daily basis can either be from feeling alone (just a raw feeling) or not being in contact with humans (whether they are friends or just people in general doesnt matter). I think I've been conditioned somewhat due to social media to care too much about what others are doing and how I measure up. Stopped using facebook regularly about 3 months back and it has helped a lot. You can't be effected by what you don't know is happening. Even still, change it a bit and live in the real world. Today's journey into the inner suburbs was good - gave me a sense of independence. A sense that things are working out for the better.

I still think the relationship thing is hanging about a bit but the trick for me is to make sure I am happy. In order to do this I need to make some more improvements in my life. It's all a work in progress. And I keep reminding myself that I'm only 23 and I still have a lot of life left to life. I also have my intelligence/mind which is my greatest asset/strength I would say. So long as I keep a clear head and focus on whatever it is that is coming up next then it's okay. It's a work in progress though and it's not always easy.

Anyway, just thought I would drop by and check in. Things are a bit better. Still working on the finance thing but that'll take some effort. I managed to finish up my graduate application last night for a role next year with the govt. It was hard to complete given i felt depressed. Still got there in the end though. Its so nerve wracking lol

BballJ
Community Member

Hi HamSolo01,

Amazing post again, when you are clear headed you really show how much progress you have made on this mental health recovery you are on. Be proud of yourself, please... it really is great how far you have come. Remember when you are feeling down what you said as well...

"I still think the relationship thing is hanging about a bit but the trick for me is to make sure I am happy. In order to do this I need to make some more improvements in my life. It's all a work in progress. And I keep reminding myself that I'm only 23 and I still have a lot of life left to life. I also have my intelligence/mind which is my greatest asset/strength I would say. So long as I keep a clear head and focus on whatever it is that is coming up next then it's okay. It's a work in progress though and it's not always easy"

This should almost be printed off and to remind yourself of this every single day. You are only 23 and have so much life ahead of you, all the amazing stuff is yet to happen to you, just keep going and it will.

I like the fact you stopped using Facebook, I have read so many articles about how much better it is when you get rid of it or stop using it and living in the real world presence. It can be very refreshing.

My best,

Jay

james1
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hey mitch,

Good to hear from you as well.

I love that you took those steps to stop using Facebook once you recognised it was becoming problematic for you. I actually did the same. I noticed I checked too much and just decided to stop using it. I deactivated a few times but kept getting tagged in so I'd log on and check, but I think I've gotten so used to not having Facebook now that I can keep it active and check it maybe once every week or fortnight.

Nice one finishing that gov grad application. When do the next stages roll around?

James

Hi HamSolo01,

It is lovely to see how positive you are in your last post. Accepting of the bad and optimistic regardless.

I'm with Jay on the topic of facebook. I deleted my account 4 years ago and don't regret it at all. It's an interesting way to sort out who is worth you investing your time in.

I used to get burnt out trying to maintain friendships where the effort was onesided. When I deleted my account I told everyone and the ones who never bothered to text or email or call to include me I stopped making an effort for and focussed instead on the people who found me worthwhile enough to make sure I was included. My friendships are a more satisfting now as I know they are give and take and I'm as valuable to them as they are to me. I hope this works out for you too.

Good luck with the tutoring and the graduate positions. Getting your foot in the door in a gov position would be awesome at least you can say to yourself you tried... More than I ever did.

hey all

I'm feeling pretty sh*t atm

had to do some psychometric testing for that same grad role.. i dont even think i did it at the right time so i might've butchered my chances before even starting.. ah well..

I'm more worried about what I'm going to do with my life. Yes I know I am 23 but I just hate the thought of being stuck at home my whole life. Tutoring doesn't pay enough and I haven't got any money to pay tax. I'm really starting to regret my choices in life. Again I'm only 23 I know, but I hate the thought that I'm going to be stuck back at square 1 with my degree. I honestly can't see any hope at the moment...

... here comes the depression..