I just feel like i have no chance..
A bit of context: im 23, studying full time and i work a little bit on the side as a tutor.
Ive been dealing with this crap for 4 years now and it hasn't exactly gotten any better.
As a result of depression and social anxiety ive had no relationships, no girlffriends, no sex, no nothing. Increasingly over time friends are starting up relationships and enjoying feeling desired. I tried tinder once, and actually met a girl who as it turned it out had a fair bit in common with me but because of my depression and anxieties i was a total mess. I screwed it up.. That was just over a year ago. I still haven't been able to get over it. It was the first time i had actually ever been on anything (even though she maintained it wasnt really a date). The only other time before that was with a girl i spoke to at uni and got friendly with. She was insane. Told me mental health wasnt even a thing.. then she just ignored me and that friendship ended in the dumps. I feel gross, less of a man and feel like i will just be on the scrap heap. Whats worse is that it just gets harder and harder as you get older.
If i have another person tell me i must have it good because im a tall guy, relatively good looking (apparently i am according to some, yet i dont think so.. or else i wouldnt be failing so much) and that "the girls" must like me i may punch them in the face. It's warped too.. when people compliment you on your appearance your immediate response should not be anger... but if people actually knew the hurt and pain... i feeel like i should be out there... or else im just gonna regret my young years..
I just feel so alone. My depression has creeped up on me and my anxiety is through the roof. No use talking to my family.. they haven't learned anything. Im not going back to hospital. Its boring. It gets in the way. I feel like i dont belong there...
Anyway. Feels a bit better to say that here.
I have to admit that today I feel really really angry with my folks.
Feels as if mum and dad have given more attention to my sister. This is based on history. I had a weird/angsty childhood which scrwed me up to some extent yet they still felt like it was a good idea to send me to school i went to (the religious one). I dunno how they came to this conclusion, but i know it pretty much was made on the whim of a really good presentation night.... because that's a great indicator of a school isnt it? (sacarsm)
I never wanted to go there anyway. I was only 11 or 12 so its not like i could put up a fight. I of course ended up going, but i took a whole term to settle in - often spending times reading books in the playground because i had no friends. Eventually I did, but it was too long. I threw up from nerves on the first day. I was THAT kid. For some reason I still feel like they sent me there because it was for the better, so that i could go to that high school. Year 5 camp was terrible. I had to especially call home becuase i was homesick and i hated sharing a room. I remember this one kid in the grade always prodding me and asking why i was calling home. I felt like I was weird because of it. They still kept me at the school.
High school was the same, except this is where religion came into it. I wasn't allowed to call home. This bugged me heaps. A lot actually. I "said a special prayer" that allowed me to be a christian. I "felt" something different but like i was 13 for goodness sake.. hardly the skeptic. Saw myself as a loser with no friends. To some extent that's probably still true. Year 8 was the same too. I was hassled by this one kid and my parents were crap with dealing with it, they didnt know what to do. I can't even say the kids name.. Everyone knew he was weird to me but they just watched it. Didn't even help or do anything.
Then in year 9 my sister nearly dies from a tumour. That's when EVERYTHING changes. I became a religious nutcase. I kept worrying about hell and whether or not i was sinning and whether or not i was being good. It mattered more than anything else. More than friends, more than girls (which is something i never did and probably explains the problem i have now), everything was about god.
(I used to go to youth group because a religious friend invited me in yr 5 and 6 and then i tried going in yr 7 too but i hated it. I was always nervous and scared. Didn't go on the camp because of it.)
ill make a new post
Year 10 then came by and im still obsessed with god. Parents are still just letting this all sit by. Even had arguments with them about it at times, about what was right and wrong and why the bible was right etc.
Then to top that all off, the biblical counsellor (an older man in his 60s) kept telling me that if i couldn't get a hold of "sexual immorality" then i will spend my life away from god. This frightened me, and i believe its also why i still have the issues i do with sex and intimacy. It feels like this older man screwed it up (NB he did not sexually abuse me), but emotionally abuse me yes.
This in my mind, is why i now hate myself and my parents. I see myself as overwhelmingly inadequate. The guilt and religious authority screwed up my self esteem and confidence and my parents just let it happen. In year 12 I went on the church camp and i did a testimony thing about how "jesus changed me" It was apparently very popular. To me, it's all garbage now.
Still, my parents kept letting me got involved in religion.
I self hate, feel like a loser. Even still see myself as one because of high school and the xperiences i had. Rather than develop to a functioning child like everyone else does, i became the mess i am now. It's also why ive never had a relationship, im still a virgin, still no kisses. Why? religion and the authority it had on me as a kid AND HOW THIS PLAYED INTO MY ALREADY PRESENT ANXIETIES. IT MADE IT WORSE. I worry about this so much, it's so ingrained in me and gets me in the most subtle forms too.
The whole time i have been diagnosed, i have kicked aside because of my sisters issues relating to her tumour. The tumour is gone, but she has conditions from it. They care more about that. I'm the one who has nearly killed himself. Yet they still care more about her.
Dad took 2 years to even realise what i had was real. Mum is depressed too. It's bleedingly obvious. She doesnt want to quit despite the fact that she can, but its the only thing she has that is not related to my dads life. Everything else they do together. Mum hates it. I can see.
Dads become a self obsessed nut. All about his new job now, its all we ever hear. He bloody well carries on all this time. I've had enough
My sister has been treated better than me. Her stuff is physical and can be explained. I feel like i was the guinea pig growing up, and they are just using me to make her a better person. They don't care. They just dont.
Another post coming
my sisters stuff is phyiscal and can be seen whereas mine can't. They've bent over backwards to accomodate her all this time, and they've neglected me from the bloody start. It's their fault I have this.
Sent me to a religious nutbag school where i was already vulnerable. I was conditioned by that experience and it's only now that im beginning to realise this. They don't care though, i mean im 23 they just wont. They will pass it off as just "being part of what i deal with". It's not, it's the damn cause.
It's their damn fault I have no life, no money, no job, no gf, no experience in life, haven't travelled on my own, have been stuck in this damn house where im the largest occupant but have the smallest room.. Can't even spend enough time in there because its too hot upstairs in summer. I have like no area to myself in the house as a result. People just sprawl their crap around the house and I GET IN TROUBLE IF I LEAVE A PAIR OF SHOES AT THE DOOR. Now I'm just stuck where I am. Wasted my time at uni where i could've made a change for myself and i couldnt because of all of this. If my parents actually made good choices then it wouldn't be the case.
I want out of home. NOW. While there is still time. It's their fault. They won't accept it because they take all criticism personally, but then again this is personal criticism so maybe they need to hear it. All they do is pay the therapy, the therapy that wouldn't need to exist if they didnt screw me up. I saw a peadiotrician as a kid because of similar issues which still exist.
I had to get my own bank account at the start of the year, and risk feeling like a loser. I was never able to before as i had no job. They used up money i had to pay bills, because my dad bought a car he thought he could afford. They still owe me 8 grand from my grandparents but i wont ever see that, because they cant handle finances. IF they didn't screw me up as a kid, I could have my own money now and life. They did all this.
Its why i want to die. I hate it so much I don't care. All these good posts ive made are an act. An excuse to hide the reality inside.
I want out of life, out of home and to start over from the very start. I'm lucky that I've even made it this far. But now I can't even fathom volunteering at the airport for people. Why? Social anxiety. They anxiety that my parents gave me by sending me to that damn school, where it was made all the more worse.
another post coming too btw
Had I not been brainwashed when i was a vulnerable child then maybe i would have confidence, maybe i would have money, maybe i would've developed enough self esteem to be able to approach a girl i found attractive and speak to her, i have never done this and probably never will. Maybe i could've got a car by now. MAybe I would have a chance in life. Maybe i would be getting somewhere now. I could've developed enough rapport with lecturers to get good grades and contacts and make something of my degree, which i now wont be. Maybe i could've played team sport by now and developed enough skill to be confident, have mates who supported me, be getting offered scholarships... maybe i would be better off now than i am. Not hard.
They forces me into team sports as a kid, rather than let me join it myself. Instead i was worried about god, angsty and nervous and bullying myself. That hasn't gone anywhere and its still here. That's why i did reffing btw, it was the closest i could get and it gave me some cash. But then i had to bail on a number of occassions as i couldnt take the criticism when it got out of hand. Felt like the biggest pussy on earth in those moments and i could see it. IT's my parents fault for exposing me to all the crap.
It's why i struggle to work and find a job. This is why i have deferred uni. This is why my life is worthless. They screwed up my childhood and im now here as a result. A lonely, depressed, anxious, tall and hunched guy who is a loser. I try all this stuff to improve me (eat right, gym, sleep - which i cant even do because my room is too small and my dad snores too loudly) and its doing nothing. The has been no change on the inside.
I want to just leave home and never come back. It's the only way. Suicide is the only other one.
But the latter is starting to become more attractive.
The more I try to recover, the more steps i take back. the more useless the whole thing is.
I'm 23 for gods sake and look at me? LOOK AT ME. I HATE IT. I HATE IT ALL. WHY IS MY LIFE LIKE THIS THROUGH NO FAULT OF MY OWN?
im seeing my psychiatrist this arvo and i will raise all this with him. He probably wont like it, because he is religious but whatever. The crap i had to deal with from that biblical counsellor was absurd. Guilt tripping me into stuff. Making me feel horrible and scared. Look at where I am. I've done nothing to deserve any of this.
I hate the world and all it has. No wonder I just want to disappear.
Your anger and pain is blasting through loud and clear. I'm really glad to hear you have the psych later. I suggest you let him read those posts. That way you'll have more time to talk it all through.
I'm not sure if you'll be happy with my reply but it needs to be said.
Your parents are utterly human. They make mistakes. Big ones. They don't know what they're doing as parents ... noone does. They're dealing with their own skeletons which you may not even know about and doing their best to muddle through.
You have every right to be angry but know that they haven't done this intentionally to hurt you. Your parents love you.
I speak from experience here. I faced my Mum about feeling betrayed that she said nothing even though she knew how toxic the abusive relationship was. About not even trying to protect me. Her reply was that I was an adult. And she didn't want to push me away. It wasn't the reply I wanted. It upset me. But I realised she is human. She did what she thought was best at the time based on her life experiences. It was a shit decision. But ultimately it doesn't change that she loves me.
Only now as a parent myself I realise how hard it is. I have no idea what I'm doing. Will me having a MI completely screw up my kids? My psych told me we can only do our best. As long as we keep trying. Some days it is just about keeping the kids safe and fed and a roof over their head.
And as a parent you constantly doubt yourself. Thats why we get sucked into fancy schools. They give the impression that they know what they're doing and that we don't. It's easy to trust that. Especially if your child seems troubled.
This doesn't help you but it's a view to consider... That your parents love you and probably thought they were helping you. That they don't love you any less than your sister. They are just human and can only do what they can. Having one child who almost died and one who has tried to kill himself they must be terrified and have no idea what to do and helpless.
I am thinking of you HamSolo01. Please show your posts to the psych. There is so much rage and despair there that you need to talk about.
I will write more when I can. Please stay safe and take care of yourself. It will get better. Today is a day for very small steps. Just get through the day safely.
I read through each of your posts and you sound like you're feeling very helpless which is leading to the anger.
I hope you don't mind if I don't comment on the specific examples you talked about. I hear you on them and it sounds like there's been a lot of stress put on you in your family life, most of the time unfairly.
It is good that you have come here to talk to us about what you're really thinking, including the fact that you feel like the positive talking has been an act for you and that you're really angry about your situation.
Can I make one small suggestion?
You are seeing your psychiatrist this arvo and it will be useful to try and distill what you are trying to say.
Your anger is totally valid. You sound like you're feeling helpless in your situation which feels like it's been forced on you.
We can relate to that.
But it's difficult for your doctors and us to know what specifically you're angry about if you show us the hatred and anger. These are confounding feelings that distract from the hurt inside - they are the outward projections of something else that can be fixed.
And both we and the doctors want to help you with those things which are causing you pain, so distilling those thoughts and focussing on what is actually painful will make it easier.
Still, we can definitely understand just how in pain you are by how angry your posts feel.
i rang the mental health services team and that useless
the girl just wasnt even listening i dont think. They must have my number on the system with a warning.
One thing she suggested was going out for a walk and get food. I laughed at first and then i thought about. Jumped in the car and drove a few suburbs away to the beach. Lasted 10mins. I cant fake it. Im just too upset atm. The walk helped a bit but im just exhausted now. Hopefully i dont fall asleep at the wheel.
I honestly think they gave up on me quercus, i know how harsh it sounds but like im the only one trying to get help.. its me who has to get it and admit myself.
Theres no point to it
It sounds like you're at turns angry, frustrated and despairing of the future today.
How would you like us to best support you through this moment?
It can be helpful sometimes to work through negative and distressing emotions by writing them out, but too much of this can stir them up further and keep you stuck in a loop rather than working your way out the other side of the tunnel.
That's part of the reason why we keep a character limit on individual posts, to make sure this space is focused on having conversations, rather than just being an echo chamber for the thoughts we all have to fight with from time to time.
What has worked to help you cope in the past when these feelings have come up?
Stay strong and take care.