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I just feel like i have no chance..

HamSolo01
Community Member

A bit of context: im 23, studying full time and i work a little bit on the side as a tutor.

Ive been dealing with this crap for 4 years now and it hasn't exactly gotten any better.

As a result of depression and social anxiety ive had no relationships, no girlffriends, no sex, no nothing. Increasingly over time friends are starting up relationships and enjoying feeling desired. I tried tinder once, and actually met a girl who as it turned it out had a fair bit in common with me but because of my depression and anxieties i was a total mess. I screwed it up.. That was just over a year ago. I still haven't been able to get over it. It was the first time i had actually ever been on anything (even though she maintained it wasnt really a date). The only other time before that was with a girl i spoke to at uni and got friendly with. She was insane. Told me mental health wasnt even a thing.. then she just ignored me and that friendship ended in the dumps. I feel gross, less of a man and feel like i will just be on the scrap heap. Whats worse is that it just gets harder and harder as you get older.

If i have another person tell me i must have it good because im a tall guy, relatively good looking (apparently i am according to some, yet i dont think so.. or else i wouldnt be failing so much) and that "the girls" must like me i may punch them in the face. It's warped too.. when people compliment you on your appearance your immediate response should not be anger... but if people actually knew the hurt and pain... i feeel like i should be out there... or else im just gonna regret my young years..

I just feel so alone. My depression has creeped up on me and my anxiety is through the roof. No use talking to my family.. they haven't learned anything. Im not going back to hospital. Its boring. It gets in the way. I feel like i dont belong there...

Anyway. Feels a bit better to say that here.

759 Replies 759

HamSolo01
Community Member

hey

yeah ive had a bit of a better day... but the night was terrible..

i keep feeling so inadequate and ugly. I deleted all the photos on my online dating profile cause i hare the way i look in them. I can just see sadness.. Plus i dont even know what you have to do in order to get a response.. I'm clearly not cut out to be in any sort of relationship. Im 23 for goodness sake. Thats it. Im done now. Not even going to bother trying. Im letting go of any hope because i just get upset and disappointed. Im off to the new psych today and i guess if im feeling this bad its a good thing... be able to talk about it. But im sick of talking about it tbh. Im ovee this feeling of ugliness and disgust. Feelings count for nothing in todays world. I dont care how nice i might sound... it doesnt mean anything in todays dating culture. All my life ive felt like ive never fitted in and that ive been a loser. Now its just confirmed to me. I really must be.

Anyway i havent even gotten out of bed yet. I sleep like crap coz i wake up at night feeling alone and isolated and ugly. I got bo hope in this world. Im 23 and never been kissed... its just sad... i swear if i had then i wouldnt be depressed..

I hate myself for getting this bad. Today is my last hope. Im just gonna be honest and upfront. I feel like a failure because of my inability to get a date, my lack of relationship history, the fact im wasting my youth, i have no life, no hope and no point to any of it. Im sick of it. I cant sleep right, my parents dont care, ive lost friends and im OVER being told otherwise. If it WAS otherwise then it wouldnt be this bad.

Rant over

james1
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hey mitch, maybe having a break from the dating website is a good idea. I kept going on breaks because it really hurts your self confidence even just being there and not getting views/likes/messages or whatever.

I found it helpful to be unavailable and notice the other things in life. It's hard when you equate life with relationships but you know just as well as any of us that there's more in life you want to do.

LIterature, for example.

I loved BNW too and the ending is so very dark. I think the dark stories are wonderful because they're the ones that expose the ugly side to life. But in a way, it's kind of necessary right? The ugly side. We wouldn't be human without it. Not that we need to get better at being bad, but at least BNW acknowledge them and show us to be what we really are: savages, but with a side that is very pure.

Have you ever read the play (or watched the movie adaptation) of "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?"

James

Hey HamSolo01,

I'm glad you've got the new psych today given how you're feeling. Being honest sounds like a good way to go. I'm sorry you're in such a hard place right now and mist of all that you're feeling hopeless.

I do understand the need for external validation. I struggle with how I feel about my appearance. Always have even before some experiences made those feelings worse. It is nice to have someone validate that you are attractive to them. Sometimes I find we need that initial approval to start feeling ok about ourselves.

Ok story time. Private one so please be kind. Not my usual feel good be strong stuff but maybe a different approach.

My friend who I dated after the abusive ex (the one who felt like a brother to be honest... Yep disturbing but we were pretty messed up). The one who was your age and a virgin. He felt the same as what you talk about. Told he's attractive but can't see it in himself. Feeling embarrassed of himself. Somewhat ashamed to even entertain the idea of someone liking him because he had been "left on the shelf" for so long.

Now the other approach... This is incredibly unhealthy! But it worked for him I suppose. He accepted a date with his friend (me) after being talked into it I suppose. I was pretty honest "you're nice, your cute and you don't frighten me". So he let me work on his self esteem. And taught me to relearn some of the harsh lessons I'd learnt. We were friends helping eachother out I suppose. Ending this was painful. I left him because he was confident and ready to move forward and I didn't love him. I told him so.

We stayed friends for a little while. Until we both fell in love with other people. It wasn't healthy for us to remain friends. Or fair on our spouses. He is happily married. His wife is a wonderful woman I have a lot of respect for.

My point... You are distressed about your lack of experience. This is understandable. But is this distress is stopping you from moving forward? If never having kissed someone is going to stop you from living your life and be a constant source of hurt and embarrassment can you ask for help. You said you have close girl friends. Is having an honest discussion with them possible? Would you be able to ask if they'd kiss you?

I know it sounds morally repugnant. But that's why I started with this is unhealthy but a different viewpoint. Ask yourself and your psych would this cause you damage or maybe help you?

Just my random 5 cents. Ignore as you will ok.

james1
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hey Quercus,

Wow that's super brave of you to share that.

One of the things I had been thinking about before but never ended up saying, but you've opened that little door...

Mitch - you know that movie Perks of being a Wallflower? Maybe you haven't seen it, but the main character has a lot of internal struggles which basically mean he's never really been kissed. Anyway, a friend kisses him because she wants his first kiss to be from someone who loved him, not from someone who wanted to use him (as she had been used herself).

I guess my point is two-fold:

One is that the kiss was one way of her showing him that she cared and loved him, despite her having a boyfriend at the time. But it wasn't the only way - it was just the one way that he felt mattered, and so she wanted to make sure it was special for him.

Two: if it hasn't happened yet, that's nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, it just means it hasn't happened. I know you know this, but I'm just saying it because the alternative is made very clear by this movie. Get that first choice wrong, and it can hurt really badly. Look too hard, and that first choice may be someone using you, rather than with someone who you truly care about, and who truly cares about you. Far better to wait for someone good for you to come along, whether it's a wonderful friend or a potential romantic interest.

James

Hey, Mitch,

Night is always the hardest, it's where everything creeps up on you and you feel really alone. Just the other night I was crying because no one was in bed next to me, and I firmly believe that no one will. It's what our mind does. Our brain picks on us when we are at our most vulnerable state, and plays on our weaknesses, and for most, that weakness is romance/love. It's cruel, what we do to ourselves; we often forget all the good inside us. It's weird, you know, how we can convince ourselves that we are nothing, yet there's people around us or people we pass that would give you a double look or have this urge to know you.

I will keep telling you every day what I think of you, and you can choose to believe it or not, but I will prove to you that there is someone who thinks a lot about you. I know you said you're over it, you're over feeling like this, over talking about it, over listening to people telling you how nice you are yet no one wants to prove it to you. I would prove it to you. If I could.

I like what Quercus suggested about asking your female friends. It could be something to try, might give you that little confidence boost, or that feeling of "hey, I can do this". You're not a bad guy. You're really sweet. You're worth it. You're special.

I care about you, and I hate that you feel this way, it really breaks my heart. I think you're an incredible guy. I will keep reassuring you that a girl will come along who will get you, and you can have your first kiss, your first time, your first everything.

I know what it feels like to not be loved, and it's the worst feeling.

I'm here for you, and everyone else on here is too.

*hug* I'd hug you very tightly if I could.

Take care, lovely, it will all be okay,

- Em

Guest_128
Community Member

Ok Ham, I'm back.😬

I haven't read everything as it wouldn't all sink in.

So

go to the biggest gym near you,see if they have other classes ie yoga etc

if you don't have all ready get a dog,big chic magnet.

Get your girl mates all together and tell them what's going down,tell them you want help with a makeover,haircut,clothes shoes,whatever they think,ask them what they think you should do.

Make a game of it ,they will all compete to be top dog(sorry)

And for god sacks have some fun

Later

ps you can get help elsewhere and no one needs to know.

please give it ago or I'm gonna belt you,can I say that?

HamSolo01
Community Member

hey all

thanks for your help

saw the new psych today and it proved quite helpful, raised all this stuff too. A lot it is tied inextricably to self esteem and self worth. So Quercus, while your idea sounds okay i honestly dont think it'd work. Believe it or not i tried to do this on monday through reddit.. and i freaked out when i got a response. So i planned it out to meet up with this girl who i "met" through reddit. But i didnt get a response from her on the day itself and i nearly crapped my pants. I think is because what i need in an intimate scenario is a certain level of security and safety - intimacy basically. Besides, the female friends i have aren't exactly.. "like that" if you get what i mean. Having said that i do talk to them about this, two in particular. Both in relationships. They both know what crap is going down for me. One of them told me that its hard to operate in world where sex and relationships are everywhere. She said that she got busier in her life by trying to enjoy it as best as she possibly could. This is something the new psych will help with too. But my friend told me that when she did this, people came into her life. Its funny because exactly the same thing has happened to me, even if it were limited.

I guess this is proving to me that its not that im gross or ugly or anything. Its that i must improve a) my life generally and b) realise now is not too late to instigate this change.

I think its far better that i get this advice from female friends than asking them to practoce kissing lol. Performance will not be a problem when i actually care and have romantic feelings. I feel like anything else would be wooden.. fake too. Id rather my first time and all be with someone who cared. Why? cause thats what i would want from someone. This leads me to the conclusion that the root cause of the depression is deeper than merely a relationship thing. It goes to the core of how i see myself. I guess this is truly the thing to work at hey?

While the feelings of jealousy and angst may hit me hard on some days... the strength is in standing up again. Rise each time you fall. Batman quote again right?

Em, Jay and 9names thanks again for your help. Em you are too kinda haha, sending muchos hugs back. Stay strong kiddo 🙂 Jay, i think youre exactly right. 9names i loved your approach. Ill adopt it, but in my own way haha, thats what a real guy does yeh? lol

I feel like today is a line in the sand. A good one. Onwards and upwards 🙂

james1
Community Champion
Community Champion
Big thumbs up mate!

It makes me happy that you were able to find a psych that you can open up to, and that you finally realised you're not all the horrible things you proclaimed yourself to be. It's true what your friend said, about how keeping busy and getting involved in activities that she loved, brings people who also have similar interests into your life. You're guaranteed to meet someone who is like-minded as you. You know, it's not bad that you haven't done anything with a girl yet; as I've mentioned before, some girls will find that insanely adorable and sweet.

I know what you mean about intimacy. It can't just be anyone kissing you. It has to be someone you connect with, someone you want to be with, someone who wants to be with you. Not an act of kindness from a friend or a random hook up. It shows that you're mature enough to handle a solid relationship; it's just a matter of finding that other half, but I'm sure she will find you if you get yourself out there. I think the hardest thing for you will be getting yourself out there, and trying to break through those walls you've put up.

I told you, you aren't a bad guy, and I'm glad that was reinforced today. You're special. You just grew up faster than the majority of your age group, so it just means you're on the outer for the moment. But people come back and sort themselves out and get back on the horse. Love comes when you least expect it. So don't expect it, I guess.

They anger and self-loathing will hit you, like you said. Being able to stand up to yourself and force those negative thoughts away is a really strong and powerful skill to have, and something I admire, something I struggle with every day. Yeah, there will be times when you can't cope with them, everything is too much, but it doesn't mean you're not a man or worthy. Just means you need to feel for a bit.

Same thing goes for relationships; if you haven't had one, doesn't make you any less manly. I believe it makes you more so, because you didn't confine to society's expectations of your stereotypical young male, and your stereotypical young female, and your stereotypical relationship. Be weird, be awkward, be a geek. It's who you are. I love that. Nothing is more sexy and attractive than someone who accepts themselves for who they are, and isn't afraid to do the things I love.

You are you. And you is amazing. More than amazing, but I don't want to go too far, ha.

I'm happy today got better for you ❤️

- Em

BballJ
Community Member

Hi HamSolo01,

Excellent stuff mate, the positivity is shining back through, when you are in a positive mindset, you really believe you can do and achieve anything and that is what I get when I read those posts from you.

I honestly believe that when you stop chasing a relationship and just focus on your life and being a better version of yourself every day but doing it for yourself then someone somehow will just walk into your life and you won't remember anything different. It is a classic love story scenario really. I like that the new psych seemed to of helped you as well, these mental health issues are always deeper than what we think, it's getting to the roots of the issues and we understand them a lot better.

My best,

Jay