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I just feel like i have no chance..

HamSolo01
Community Member

A bit of context: im 23, studying full time and i work a little bit on the side as a tutor.

Ive been dealing with this crap for 4 years now and it hasn't exactly gotten any better.

As a result of depression and social anxiety ive had no relationships, no girlffriends, no sex, no nothing. Increasingly over time friends are starting up relationships and enjoying feeling desired. I tried tinder once, and actually met a girl who as it turned it out had a fair bit in common with me but because of my depression and anxieties i was a total mess. I screwed it up.. That was just over a year ago. I still haven't been able to get over it. It was the first time i had actually ever been on anything (even though she maintained it wasnt really a date). The only other time before that was with a girl i spoke to at uni and got friendly with. She was insane. Told me mental health wasnt even a thing.. then she just ignored me and that friendship ended in the dumps. I feel gross, less of a man and feel like i will just be on the scrap heap. Whats worse is that it just gets harder and harder as you get older.

If i have another person tell me i must have it good because im a tall guy, relatively good looking (apparently i am according to some, yet i dont think so.. or else i wouldnt be failing so much) and that "the girls" must like me i may punch them in the face. It's warped too.. when people compliment you on your appearance your immediate response should not be anger... but if people actually knew the hurt and pain... i feeel like i should be out there... or else im just gonna regret my young years..

I just feel so alone. My depression has creeped up on me and my anxiety is through the roof. No use talking to my family.. they haven't learned anything. Im not going back to hospital. Its boring. It gets in the way. I feel like i dont belong there...

Anyway. Feels a bit better to say that here.

759 Replies 759

Hello HamSolo,

it might be a good idea if you do some volunteer work,like in a refuge for homeless or a nursing home or maybe a aids drop in centre.

Life is very very hard!

But you have choices!

You are young,not many responsibilities!

Stuff all the pressures put on you from the world!

Be a man not a mouse!

Raw like a tiger and take life by the balls!!!!!!!

Later

Hi HamSolo01,

How did your exam go?

It's ok to feel absolutely crap just try and remember it will pass eventually. Today is just one of those days that the depression is overwhelming you. Wait it out and keep talking it will pass you know this. Feels absolutely horrible though.

There is no point flogging yourself over what is done and past. You can't change it. It would be wonderful to be able to go back and change things but dwelling on this just hurts you. Was is done is done. You can wish to change the past but it isn't helping you. Focus on the present and what you can do. What you can change now.

If you keep dwelling on the past get up and do something to distract yourself. I find music loud in headphones helps and exercise. Maybe hit the gym if you have a 24 hr one. Watch a movie. Distract yourself however you can.

Focus on what you have achieved as well. You kept on the meds. That is a good thing. You got into the volunteering job. That is fantastic. You are going to meet all sorts of people. I can say one thing about airports you will very rarely have a dull day at work. I think you might really enjoy this. Again more progress.

As to your list of regrets... Asking a girl out for coffee. Joining a team sport. Making new friends. These are things you can do even now. Even with depression and anxiety. At the risk of annoying you I'll throw this out there... Just do it. Put up a profile on line. Ask your friend you spoke to today if she wants to go grab a coffee and help you practise flirting. Pick a sport and ask a few friends to join you so it's not so intimidating. Just get out of your comfort zone and try something different. I'm sorry if you find that too pushy.

It will be ok HamSolo01. Just get through today and start again tomorrow.

BballJ
Community Member

Hi HamSolo01,

I will point out something you said in a earlier post from today "Because i see value in living and life. Just a thought. That's all it is atm. I still feel crap and sad, but at least that's something. There is value there... somewhere deep down. Anyways..."

You know exactly how valuable life is and that it is worth living, one thing I want to point out as well is that it is never ever too late to start living your life that you deserve. Regrets are a part of life and hindsight is a hell of a thing because you look at things that happened and think of how you could of done it differently. End of the day part of healing and getting better is accepting what has happened and accepting that it is part of your past and learning from it and moving forward, I think you have learnt a lot of life lessons in your life at only 23 years old as well which you can grow from.

You aren't a loser for seeking help here, most, if not all of us are here because we were seeking help. We aren't trained professionals, this is a community based on have common ground with everyone and that we all suffer from a mental health issue, so we use our experiences to help each other. You deserve to be here just as much as anyone else.

My best,

Jay

Jimny
Community Member

Hamsolo01,

I really really get some of what you are describing, it reminds me of some of my internal thoughts that have paralyzed me. Particularly the regrets and hopelessness.

I am not currently in the proper place to give thorough support, but I would like to give some suggestions which I have found helpful.

1. Congratulate yourself for seeking help. It is a big big step. Be proud that your are seeking a way through this.

2. Your inner critic (the regrets, the self-criticism, etc,) is self-propagating and addictive. It will not figure out a way out of your painful situation. Only new actions and behaviors can orient you in a different direction.

It took me 10 years to figure this out, I finally realized that my depressive episodes were always unsuccessful attempts at dealing with stressful thoughts. The evidence was before me, depression never worked. I needed to find another way to deal with the world. I find if I analyze less and just "do" the right things, over the long term the picture improves.

3. Accept things as they are. I think the Buddhists have it pretty spot with this: craving leads to suffering. Even though you need to accept things as they are, you are free to change things also. Acceptance does not mean you "take no action", it means "OK, things are like this now, can't change the past and can't live in the future", "but, now, what small step can I take the very next moment that helps me out?" Make small steps and set the bar low. Again, I speak from experience, accomplishing small things is way more helpful for treatment than having a big goal which may not be achieved. If you take the step, its important to see it right through that is why small goals a better.

4. Praise yourself for your achievements. Some of my best moments are when I I can say to myself "Good on you, it's not easy being me, but darn it here I am and look what I can do". It's OK to be selfish here.

I hope these are helpful. But if not, that is OK too. A lot of what you describe sounds freakishly similar to some of my thought processes.

Thanks for sharing, it makes me feel less alone. I hope to keep on top of your thread.

Best,

Jimny

HamSolo01
Community Member

hey all

thanks again

today was okay

Assessment people may decide against letting me do the group stuff. Just the vibe i got from them. Time will tell. If they say no, then ill lool at the south sydney recovery college.

@9 names: i like that approach i think i might adopt it. I can see it starting to emerge in my life which is good.

@quercus: i find that stuff can help at times but not all the time. Guess its how it has to be. Havent been to gym this week so guess ill go tomoz. Flush it out that way. I joined a dating site too but i dont like the photos.. most are older ones and they dont do me justice 😛 and im not overtly happy atm so selfies wont do nothing haha. Might leave it up for a bit. Eventually someone might reply. Its brutal with online stuff for guys. One day at a time i guess hey? As always. Music is good therapy atm too. Check out "Pavane for a dead princess", its like 150 years old. Gorgeous piano cover on youtube. I listen to it and it makes me feel like things are getting better. Music is great like that. Plus its from Dark Knight Rises too.

@bball: hey. Hindsight is indeed cruel. The only way to use it is to learn things i guess. Good ideas thiugh so thanks 🙂

@jimny: hey there, thanks for dropping by. Its always good to hear from people who feel really close to what ive written. I like the "what i can do now" approach. Thats a really good way to cement better thought processes.

Thanks again people.

A friend told me last night that those of us who experience the darkness in life are in a position where we can appreciate the good. We are more human as a result. Gives my depression and anxiety a silver lining. I suppose this is also why im not into hook ups hey? i want intimacy and love and acceptance, things which are good and true. I think i sell myself short. Maybe im yet to find a girl like that. Ill be keeping my eye peeled however. I think if i see it, ill be confident enough to chase it. Its a case of working on my deepseeded negative thoughts i have of myself. Its a process i guess. Onwards and upwards

Hey HamSolo01,

Good to see today was ok 😊.

Yeah I get what you mean about what I was saying only working some of the time. When I'm really down and frustrated I can't seem to actually apply many of those things except for just keeping busy either.

But when I'm feeling average or good or ok I can take action. Make changes. Get off my butt and help myself. Do whatever I can that might make things easier when I go down again. That way when I go down (I always seem to) I've already got things in place.

Like what? Like talking to friends and asking for help beforehand. When I'm in a bad place I know I can just call and say help keep me busy please. And the explainations etc are already done.

Like confiding in my family and husband things that help me when I'm low. Sometimes that's meant swallowing my pride and admitting things that are hurtful or embarrassing. Yeah imagine trying to tell your husband sometimes you forget who he is and get frightened. That was hard. But we worked out a way for me to bring myself back to the present and grounded.

Like listing my goals and things I want. Priorities and plans. Strengths. I save them on my phone if they are private or put them up on the fridge if not. That way when I'm muddled I'm reminded I just have to put one foot in front of the other and the good days will return. And the woman I like will come back. The proof of it is looking at me.

You can hear it today. I'm good today. But am on my way to bare my soul and pour out poison again. And I don't seem to feel great afterwards. So this is me in preparation mode. Maybe the fall won't come maybe it will. But today is good and I'm leaving myself every reminder I can just in case.

I think this is what I was trying to say. Just hold on while it's shit. Focus on nothing but staying alive and safe and reminding yourself it will pass. Then on the ok days work on yourself and help yourself and protect yourself.

Arrgh time to go spew it all out. Ah crap tonight is going to be a teary one I can almost feel it.

i like the idea of preparing/readying yourself on the good days. Make plans for your life on the good days when you feel good. When you feel crap then its a chance to hang up your shoes and let it pass too.

Reminds of that phrase "This too shall pass" from the whole human condition adage - about life being transitory. It traces back to an ancient Persian fable apparently. As it happens, there was a ring that had the power to make the sad man happy and the happy man sad. On it were inscribed the words "This too shall pass". The story continues and says that the ring was given to the king/whoever was in charge and that it was intended to make him happy when he felt sad - all he had to do was put it on. This of course meant that when he put it on, he would eventually feel sad again. This was the power that the ring had. It was both a blessing and curse.

I think the funny thing about that fable is that we aren't wearing the ring. We don't have to. If we did, then nothing would change. Why? Because it would have the same effect... life without the ring is transitory just the same as it would be with the ring on.

That little fable is a cool one. Reminds me that no matter what we do, we simply won't remove the sad times in life. Have you read or are you familiar with Brave New World? It's a tough book to read. But I believe the tough books are often the best. It helped me, but it broke me a bit too. It's primary focus is about a world where sadness, grief etc are totally eradicated. Might sound good right? But the problem is that the happiness was totally manufactured. Nothing happy about that. Says a lot about mainstream culture I suppose?

Literature is pretty good like that. I love the fact I have the ability to recall things I've read and apply it to real life. Sadly I feel no one appreciates this about me 😕 it's lost on most.

Ah well. Back to the drawing board I guess.

Thanks again Quercus. Take care mate 🙂

I think if i ever became one of those punk weirdos you see walking around the inner city of Sydney, then I'd buy a ring and have that inscribed, or if i got a tatoo then i would have that.

Sending you hugs. Life is

I'm hurting with you,sorry

Just wanted to say I appreciate literature nuts and I enjoyed reading that last post of yours. It was insightful and deep. Do you ever write poems?

I'd respond better but I myself am going through a rough time.

Hope you're doing okay.

BballJ
Community Member

Hi HamSolo01,

You are right, literature is sort of lost on a lot of people, I like the fact you can recall things you have read. I love books about positivity and bettering yourself and I really do love quotes, in all forms. I guess I find peace in some of them when I am feeling down. One thing I also love are listening to motivational videos people post on youtube, not someone speaking to an audience but most are various speakers talking about certain topics and there are clips from movies and what not that relate to it. I have listened to ones about depression and anxiety and take strength from them to help myself.

You seem to of had a better day today and that is great to read. I read your thing about the online dating site you joined, its tough for every guy on those things so just keep it up and hopefully something comes out of it for you.

Side note: Quercus, I really hope you are doing ok at this time, and also to 9 names later and BenignSky, I know you are all hurting right now but it will all get better, keep your heads up and be as positive as possible.

My best,

Jay