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I Choose To Survive (Battling anxiety, depression & avpd)

Emmy_
Community Member

I believe that I wasn’t meant for this world. I feel misunderstood by those around me. I feel I am a burden. But I choose to survive for my husband.

So a little about me... I’m 35, married to my soul mate - he is my everything. No kids (yet... maybe ever due to my physical and mental health).

2013 is that year... that year that marks the before and the after. Experienced my first ever panic attack whilst away celebrating my 30th birthday. The attacks continued (still do) and in June 2013 my GP prescribed me with anti-depressants and referred me to a psychologist. My psychologist diagnosed me with generalised anxiety disorder (GAD) & depression. I was told I have no self-worth or self-confidence and a fear of rejection & abandonment. My world grew dark.. very dark. I wanted out!

Anxiety has always played its part in my life, possibly a genetic predisposition as there’s much history of mental illness within our family. I’ve lost my Pop & Uncle to suicide and my dear Grandma suffered many years with agoraphobia (something I’m developing tendencies of).

Then tragically in 2014 my mother died very suddenly, she’d not been ill. My world fell apart. I retreated from everyone and everything. Had to quit my job as my GP and psychologist were concerned I’d have a breakdown. Some days I wouldn’t leave the safety of my bedroom, wouldn’t shower, wouldn’t even brush my teeth! My husband had to help dress me on my really bad days.

Having made little progress with my psychologist I was further referred to a psychiatrist. He reviewed my medication, also diagnosed me with avoidant personality disorder (AvPD) and I opened up about self harm behaviours I’ve battled with for quite some time.

It’s been almost 5 years of battling my demons. I need to work on the past traumas that have caused this, but I’ve been told I’m not strong enough yet. I still see my psychologist & psychiatrist each month and still take my medications. I know this is just my life now.

I’ve come back to beyond blue as I’m needing a safe place to talk and some support... I’m not doing too well. Life is pushing down on me once again and I feel like I can’t breathe.

Thanks for taking the time to read this, it means a lot.

193 Replies 193

Emmy_
Community Member

Thought:

If you truly loved someone wouldn’t you walk away so that they didn’t have to deal with your demons also. What would be harder for the one you love. To be left alone or to have to fight the battle also.

No need to rush and visit threads Emmy. Visit one a day or something if you so desire, if not, don't 🙂

**Maybe the person who loves you, warts and all, is more than willing to fight the battle alongside you**

Chloe_M
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Emmy

its great to see you again

as starts said don't rush, don't feel the need to go around to everyone all at once

i haven't been a round much either, and am just starting to get back into routine

the details are on my thread, but don't feel the need to visit, only in your own time if you want

xx take care

Chloe

Chloe_M
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Ahhh sorry MF I accidentally wrote "starts" instead of you 😬😬 I was thinking about something starts said and it came out!!

How have you been?

Emmy

think about this

the ones who truly love you and who you truly love may get tired of dealing with your problems. Especially if they have their own. But during the darkest of times is when our strength is shown and character is built. I saw this quote once "if you love someone, you have to be prepared to set them free"l. I agree and disagree with this quote. I think that if you truly love someone, you have to be prepared to fight for them. And no matter what happens, even if you do set them free, they always come back.

i learnt this just this week. Do not give up hope on whatever is bothering you (sorry I haven't had time to go back and read the previous posts, but I will)

chloe

Emmy_
Community Member

Not sure if anyone will see this message as I’ve not been on here in forever.

Has anyone had experience with EMDR that can chat with me?

Thanks xx

I don't know much about EMDR, and have nothing to offer to help you Emmy, but just wanted to say how good it is to see you here 🙂

Ggrand
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hello Emmy,

Its so good to see you back here...Not good if your struggling with your mh..it’s just nice and comforting when someone comes back after being gone for a while and we know that they are still struggling, but doing okay..

Im sorry hun I don’t know anything about EMDR... There is a thread here called EDMR..it’s not old of a thread...Maybe if you search it then ask on their someone knowing about it, may answer you...

Good luck dearest Emmy, I really hope you are feeling better then okay,

Hugs and love dear Emmy..💜🤗.

Grandy....

Emmy_
Community Member

Hi Narelle & Grandy,

Thanks for your messages!

Yeah still struggling with life but do feel I’m in a bit of a better place thanks to my psychiatrist - he has honestly been a godsend. He’s taught me so much and the one of biggest things he keeps trying to remind me is that it’s ok to be me and to communicate what I need to others. Even though he’s a psychiatrist he isn’t about labels or you should be like this or like that but getting you to a point where you can function. Well this is at least how he treats my mental health. I feel like I’m getting somewhere. I recently stayed on my own for a week while my husband went to overseas and I was ok.

The new psychologist I’m seeing has a bit of a different approach though. My psychiatrist recommended I see a new psychologist to start DBT therapy for my self harm behaviours. But instead the psychologist did some EMDR last week and I felt like I wasn’t ready for it. It took so much out of me and left me feeling very depressed. I remember my previous psychologist made me to a quiz and she and my psychiatrist decided that EMDR wasn’t suitable as I disassociate too much.

Feeling a bit confused by all that so I’ve come on here for some advice. Sometimes I felt like I was just staring at his hands going back and forth rather than being back in the memory.

Anyway I’m going on for too long as usual lol.

Hope everyone is having a lovely weekend. The weather where I am is 31 today... sunny and warm.

Oh Emmy, why is life so complicated for us/some...I wish I could help, but I struggle with my own life, and don't want to hijack your thread. Maybe you can raise your concerns about EMDR at your next sessions?

But in saying that (or not much at all), I was so happy to read you spend an entire week on your own and managed ok - that's fantastic - go you!!

Emmy_
Community Member

Feeling really flat and don’t know where to turn.

Had to go to my GP today for my review and he was reading a letter from my psychologist and saw that he’d mentioned my complex PTSD (something he’s never told me I have). Why would that be. What even is complex PTSD? I feel like it’s just another thing to add to my list; generalised anxiety disorder, major depressive disorder, avoidant personality disorder, highly sensitive person and now this complex PTSD. Don’t know where to turn and I’m feeling confused and lost. Any advice / help appreciated.