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I Choose To Survive (Battling anxiety, depression & avpd)

Emmy_
Community Member

I believe that I wasn’t meant for this world. I feel misunderstood by those around me. I feel I am a burden. But I choose to survive for my husband.

So a little about me... I’m 35, married to my soul mate - he is my everything. No kids (yet... maybe ever due to my physical and mental health).

2013 is that year... that year that marks the before and the after. Experienced my first ever panic attack whilst away celebrating my 30th birthday. The attacks continued (still do) and in June 2013 my GP prescribed me with anti-depressants and referred me to a psychologist. My psychologist diagnosed me with generalised anxiety disorder (GAD) & depression. I was told I have no self-worth or self-confidence and a fear of rejection & abandonment. My world grew dark.. very dark. I wanted out!

Anxiety has always played its part in my life, possibly a genetic predisposition as there’s much history of mental illness within our family. I’ve lost my Pop & Uncle to suicide and my dear Grandma suffered many years with agoraphobia (something I’m developing tendencies of).

Then tragically in 2014 my mother died very suddenly, she’d not been ill. My world fell apart. I retreated from everyone and everything. Had to quit my job as my GP and psychologist were concerned I’d have a breakdown. Some days I wouldn’t leave the safety of my bedroom, wouldn’t shower, wouldn’t even brush my teeth! My husband had to help dress me on my really bad days.

Having made little progress with my psychologist I was further referred to a psychiatrist. He reviewed my medication, also diagnosed me with avoidant personality disorder (AvPD) and I opened up about self harm behaviours I’ve battled with for quite some time.

It’s been almost 5 years of battling my demons. I need to work on the past traumas that have caused this, but I’ve been told I’m not strong enough yet. I still see my psychologist & psychiatrist each month and still take my medications. I know this is just my life now.

I’ve come back to beyond blue as I’m needing a safe place to talk and some support... I’m not doing too well. Life is pushing down on me once again and I feel like I can’t breathe.

Thanks for taking the time to read this, it means a lot.

193 Replies 193

Birdy77
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Emmy 😊

So glad you reached out here again, where you can let it out, be supported and just feel less alone.

We're here for you.

You are not alone.

🌻birdy

Emmy_
Community Member

Thanks Birdy 🌻 I feel safe here. Like it’s the only place I can really be my true self. A sad thought hey. I just don’t think others get me. Or the severity of how crippling a mental illness can be. I suppose people can’t understand something they’ve not experienced or can’t “see”. It’s the comments I find hard also that you have to sometimes listen to and just bite your tongue. And then go home and cry about later.

Oh Emmy, I know parts of your story but reading this makes me want to cry.

I can relate to so much of what you say, even though our stories are different. I wish I had somebody to live for...does Buddy count? I don't know...

I'm so glad that you've decided to come back to BB, please don't think of it as a weakness because it's so not

Sorry to have made you feel sad. We can be here for each other again. What parts do you relate with? And yes buddy counts for sure! I saw your reply on my other thread. I’ll prob just use this one now. The other prob didn’t make sense anyway. It’s hard all the things that come from not taking care of ourselves hey. Then you start feeling anxious about those things too hey. I just can’t catch a break at the moment, it’s one thing after another. And I’ve had enough and I’m tired of it. I want to give up but I know I need to push through for my husband. Is this making sense?

It's just a general sadness over mental illness. It shouldn't happen to good people, but it does. I'm sorry you and me and everyone here on BB had to live through so much.

You needing to push through dor your husband makes perfect sense, just like I have to stay alive for Buddy, even though his life is short.

I wish I had a magic wand to wave over everyone on the forums so that our MI’s could be gone.

I was talking with my sister today about how I’m only here for my husband. And she said “that can’t be true”. And I reminder her again that I really don’t like who I am (I’ve told her numerous time) and probably never will. It seems like it’s a hard concept for people to fathom that don’t experience it themselves. Yeah I have moments of enjoyment or where I try to better myself - but I don’t do it for me.

good afternoon Emmy,

ive found your other thread, sorry it took me so long.

is my other post on your other thread still relevant do you think? its ok if its not 🙂

hows things going today?

Don’t say sorry... thank you for coming and finding it ❤️

You mentioned to me to fight for me... I don’t think I’m worth it. In so many events in my life I’ve been left to feel that I don’t matter. I suppose after a while you just believe it. But I do have the most loving husband, I wish I could be better for him. He deserves more. He tells me he just wants me (I don’t know why). It breaks my hard cause my mental illness affects him too, for as long as I’m stuck in this dark place so is he.

What things do I like... hhmmm love music. It’s like an escape for me. Use to enjoy going to the movies but I’ve started having panic attacks there lately so that’s out. Drives with my husband and just watching the world go by from my car window. Love family time - have a little family but they’re awesome!! And my puppy dog... enjoy just playing with him. He’s like my little companion. I have some traits of agoraphobia - so find it difficult to leave the house some times. Home (my bedroom) is my safe place.

With the aqua aerobics my ENT specialist told me I could do it and use blue tak to cover up my ears so water doesn’t get in, but I’ve just not been back as I’m worried if the ear infection returns.

Anyway I’m rambling - sorry. How are you doing today hun. How’s your hand?

Hi Emmy

firstly i dont think your rambling, you are expressing your thoughts and feelings and they are valid.

i think your worth fighting for, but it can be hard to beleive that ourselves. im the same way really. but i believe in you and dont intend on giving up on you. xox i can relate to be left to feel like a nothing, i still encounter it rather regularly so im hearing you and feeling for you too. your hubby sounds amazing and i beleive he thinks your worth it too. all you can do i do your best, keep up your supports, learn and practice those new coping skills and keep your hope that things will change and be better for you over time.

your likes are again rather similar to mine. i wonder if you would be interested in taking up an instrument? you could get private or group lessons- which ever your comfortable with and posisbel challange yourself too.

have you thought about making your own movies? i mean they dont have to be focussed on you but you could pick a theme, and get some images of the internet, put some music, add some effects and save them. you dont have to show them if you dont want but it could be a new hobby for you

what about teaching your puppy dog some tricks?

hmm its tricky with ear infections they can be rather painful cant they. maybe yoga or pilates could work for you?

thank you for asking about me but would rather not take over your thread 🙂