Getting to know you...or is that me?
After more than 20 years of trying to work out what was wrong with me; and this continues, I found the closer I got to being well, the more isolated I felt. The main point of contention has been seeing myself through the eyes of others. When I began trying to identify myself as independent, all hell broke loose. Conflict on all sides, especially within myself. I sometimes want so much to live my life ignorant of what I've learned. Becoming a self aware individual has it's freedom, but it also has a back-lash. For me that means seeing others for who they really are and learning to walk away from abusive people and situations, even if they're family. Becoming who I thought others wanted me to be, has defined me my whole life. I became a fervent observer of human behaviour and interaction to avoid the 'inevitable', beginning when I was only a toddler. Little people tend to blame themselves for the actions of others. So I trained myself to be who I thought they wanted me to be. This didn't work of coarse, but the damage was done and I became a reflection of other damaged people.
I asked myself a few weeks ago; "Who am I in the core of my own heart, my own truth?" and closed my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in a baby blue nightie swirling around the yard at dawn on a warm Summer's morning. The memory was vivid and I smiled to myself as I watched. I danced and hummed to myself enjoying the light breeze on my face without a care in the world. Then things changed to another scene where I was a couple of years older. I was again dancing in front of the TV when Sesame Street was on. It was a classic jazz number. I felt my heart grow warm and seemed to glow brighter as I reflected on these memories. It was music and dance that defined me, my joy and happiness. I've always been great at event planning, especially parties. And; music has to be the centre of activities.
I shed many tears that day as the realisation hit. I had been ignoring myself and pandering to others as a matter of coarse because it felt normal/safe. Now that I'm trying to define and create a new me, the anxiety, panic and depression has morphed. Being an individual seems lonely and difficult. Many changes have come about since my mental health declined, but I suspect it is stepping out into the unknown to find 'me', a courageous little girl dancing her way out of my own heart.
Dearest Croix, Pepper, Grandy, Blondguy and Quirky;
Thankyou all for your lovely comments; it's nice to be back on board and doing good. As you all know I love writing, so having the opportunity to express 'words' again is priming that passion.
I probably won't be so focused on this thread as much as I used to be; this time is more about peer support to members, especially newbies.
Please forgive my lack of presence on your personal threads too ok. Offline life has become busier and less cumbersome due to a wonderful recovery, but I'll endeavour to drop in when I can.
Yes, my fur baby was a huge loss indeed so I'm grateful for all your kind words of comfort. Thankyou...
Oh Quirky, sending lots of warm thoughts for your loss also. I hope a fresh start is on the cards as you surely deserve it. Hugs...
Love Sez xo
you have been working providing counsel/support in a psychiatric facility...I envy your courage!
I understand you are in self isolation as per your work....Just a friendly note of appreciation for you being the person you are...I hope you are doing okay
my kindest always
Hey there Sez girl.
Apologies darl I didnt mean not to send huge hugs for the loss of your dear doggy. Very sad losing a beautiful companion.
Hope you're still charging through life with a new found energy and happy above all chooky ☺
Do think about ya huns and miss you ⚘
Excuse me a sec....STARTS!!!!!!....running towards you...slipping over but hey what' a somersault or two and broken foot between long lost very thought about and missed friends.
SO good seeing you Again girl very much hope your lifes easier.
Much love to you both and ever ever friendship ⚘
Hello Sara, Startingnew...Deebi👩❤️💋👩..
Sara I am so pleased that your recovering well..but please dear lady..be gentle on you and heal some more...We are always here if you feel up to posting or just talking for company....I liked reading your posts...and sometimes re-read your threads...
Starts...hello lovely..how have you been doing..often thought about posting on yours to say hello and ask you..but didn’t want to pressure you..I hope your life has turned around some and your mental health as well...
Sending you 3 amazing and beautiful girls my care, love and hugs..🦋💜🤗...and a beautiful red rose rose each for your beautiful souls..