Feeling well enough at last to find my voice again
I have known for years there was a forum here and was too afraid to join because it would mean admitting I needed medication and just couldn't fix this by myself. So here I am at last! I hope this helps even one person if they are feeling like I did. Ok here goes.....
I'm a 32 year old mum of 2, 15 months apart. I'm happily married, love my job, love my family and friends. I have support. Nothing bad has happened to me. So I thought I had no right to feel depressed. I have always been an anxious and emotional person. Mood swings were normal for me. I made every excuse to myself and the doctors to explain away my poor scores on the postnatal depression checklists. I admitted I constantly thought about suicide but that had been normal for me for years so it didn't feel like a big deal, it didn't mean I'd do anything. I was angry all the time and my moods were unpredictable.
Hubby said constantly I don't care what the doctor said you perform for them and I know you. Something is wrong. After my second bub and the start of a new health condition (psoriatic arthritis) I saw a psychologist who said I was dealing with chronic pain and two small children and what I felt was normal.
I practiced mindfulness. Family and friends gave me rest. Eventually I got medication to help my joints. I talked. I ate well, I went back to work. Everything was supposed to be better....
But I felt worse. I'd see the doctor and they'd say I was ok but I'd stand at the sink washing dishes and plan the steps of how to kill myself. If I wasn't busy I would find the thoughts repeating. They'd all be better off without you. You're worthless. They'll only put up with so much of your issues and then they'll leave you. So I'd plan how to die. And I was TERRIFIED.
My husband told me to write down exactly what I felt on a bad day and he put it in an envelope and made me an appointment for the psychologist. We made a plan. I would go in and say I need you to read this. I don't feel like this now but this is how I've felt most days for years but I can't seem to communicate it to a doctor and get help and I'm so frightened.
And finally! A crisis plan put in place until I could see the psychiatrist! Apparently I have had major depression for over 12 years. Only after starting an antidepressant did I notice how anxious and self destructive I had constantly been. I don't have suicidal thoughts anymore. I am happy again. It's the start of my journey but there is hope at last.
How are you feeling? Have the tears subsided from earlier? I hope so. When I wrote that on Fiasco's thread I wasn't in a good place and as soon as I hit post regretted it.
I'm back in the space of being stuck between the past and the present. And angry and defensive again. I just hate that the health conditions and everything around it remind me of the past. I hate having to remind myself that my husband isn't my ex. It's not fair on him.
I'm tired. No patience for the kids and they are in a particularly difficult stage at the moment.
I hope your blood test results show something useful and they can think of something to give you relief.
HOORAY! The fog and sleepiness has eased today! Maybe I'm adjusting to the new meds. Maybe it's just a good day. But thank goodness whatever the reason!
In a really weird mood. Kind of aggressively positive. Like I feel like the anger I've directed internally has today gone to the correct place for once and I'm determined to do things just for me. I like it.
Have worked out I've never really looked at what I like. Or what I want to do. Or made decisions just for myself. Have decided to start with my job. It's time to find a career just for me. Something that I find worthwhile regardless of what it pays and what anyone else thinks. Wish me luck? Maybe the wind will change and tomorrow I'll be my usual indecisive self.
How are you today Mary? Just wondering if you're ok. No need to reply just know I'm thinking of you 😊
Hi Quercus,Wow no fog ,no sleepiness,and aggressively positive, Yaaaaaaaahhhhhh! take that every day, and twice on sunday right.find what you love ,do what you love ,and live what you love,all the luck in the world ,you go for it.
glad your having a good day ,All my best Ross.
Whoop whoop!! Great news.
Yep, thinking of doing something that you enjoy sounds great. Heaps of options out there for a smart, lovely lady like you. I studied my fitness course while the kids were young - -really gave me a sense of self instead of just being xxs mum!
All my fingers and toes are crossed that tomorrow is a cracker too.
Hi Ross and Annie45 and CMF,
It was a really lovely feeling to come online and see your replies. It meant a lot to me. Thank you.
Psychotherapy confused me tonight. A lot. Embarrassed (hell yes) and confused. Not aggressively positive anymore. Positive but confused.
I opened my mouth to tell about me deciding to quit my job and somehow ended up talking about sex for an hour straight.
The psychiatrist said I had this fantasy of the perfect marriage, the perfect relationship in my head and whenever anything deviated from perfect it automatically became worse case scenario (hence me confusing the present with the past and getting triggered by my husband all the time).
As soon as there is a criticism or problem it reminds me of the worst (of being put down and controlled and manipulated and raped). I don't seem to have shades of grey it's perfect or horrific nothing in between.
He said he wonders if my job is the same. Because it's not perfect I'm making an impulsive decision.
I'm so confused. On one hand it makes sense. When I drove home it made some sense. Then it just made me doubt myself and trust my mind even less.
I told the psychiatrist it hit me a while after our daughter was born that I'm married to a man I love who has seen me at my absolute worst (vomiting on his shoes and screaming in pain) knows about the worst that has happened to me and loves me anyway. That I don't ever have to have sex with anyone else and I'll do what I have to to make our marriage work. I thought that was ok. A positive thing.
I don't understand why that relates to being a fantasy? I'm not sure if I've just misunderstood what he was trying to say.
Confused. And kind of sad. What's wrong with wanting the kind of marriage my grandparents had? Not all roses but a committment to eachother.
Quercus I've been having similar thoughts today. I'm also wondering if I create the perfect world in my head, and then lose it when the real world doesn't match. I know I do sometimes. When I was I hospital in November I decided that I wanted to quit teaching and study nursing. I was so happy. But after a while of volunteering at a hospital, I realised that I'd built it up to be something it wasn't. For me, I need to realise that it's not realistic to expect that I'll love my job every second of every day. As long as i don't hate it for every second of every day lol! I know everyone is different and awesome world differently, but that's my perception. Perhaps you are also a bit of an idealist? I have beautiful ideals in my mind (eg what type of parent I want to be) - and when things don't follow that ideal, I sometimes feel like it's the end of the world. But then, the world keeps going, and something inevitably happens that makes me feel like it's all ok again.
not sure if that makes sense. I was told a lot in hospital (when I was a patient) that I have unrealistic expectations of myself and the world. Perhaps it's not bad to have these expectation? As long as we can accept when things deviate....?
hold on to that positive feeling. Xx