Feeling well enough at last to find my voice again
I have known for years there was a forum here and was too afraid to join because it would mean admitting I needed medication and just couldn't fix this by myself. So here I am at last! I hope this helps even one person if they are feeling like I did. Ok here goes.....
I'm a 32 year old mum of 2, 15 months apart. I'm happily married, love my job, love my family and friends. I have support. Nothing bad has happened to me. So I thought I had no right to feel depressed. I have always been an anxious and emotional person. Mood swings were normal for me. I made every excuse to myself and the doctors to explain away my poor scores on the postnatal depression checklists. I admitted I constantly thought about suicide but that had been normal for me for years so it didn't feel like a big deal, it didn't mean I'd do anything. I was angry all the time and my moods were unpredictable.
Hubby said constantly I don't care what the doctor said you perform for them and I know you. Something is wrong. After my second bub and the start of a new health condition (psoriatic arthritis) I saw a psychologist who said I was dealing with chronic pain and two small children and what I felt was normal.
I practiced mindfulness. Family and friends gave me rest. Eventually I got medication to help my joints. I talked. I ate well, I went back to work. Everything was supposed to be better....
But I felt worse. I'd see the doctor and they'd say I was ok but I'd stand at the sink washing dishes and plan the steps of how to kill myself. If I wasn't busy I would find the thoughts repeating. They'd all be better off without you. You're worthless. They'll only put up with so much of your issues and then they'll leave you. So I'd plan how to die. And I was TERRIFIED.
My husband told me to write down exactly what I felt on a bad day and he put it in an envelope and made me an appointment for the psychologist. We made a plan. I would go in and say I need you to read this. I don't feel like this now but this is how I've felt most days for years but I can't seem to communicate it to a doctor and get help and I'm so frightened.
And finally! A crisis plan put in place until I could see the psychiatrist! Apparently I have had major depression for over 12 years. Only after starting an antidepressant did I notice how anxious and self destructive I had constantly been. I don't have suicidal thoughts anymore. I am happy again. It's the start of my journey but there is hope at last.
Music! I get you completely! Guaranteed way to de stress and calm down. What a good idea to have the playlist! I bet your kids love it! I had to laugh today when my son told hubby "we love Jon Bellion... He sings the mickey mouse song" with little one nodding along in agreement. My favourite song has a funny sound in it that sounds like a squeak hence the kid's name for it 😊
I think it's great that you're a personal trainer. So important! I've always thought the trainers make or break a person's decision to walk into a gym or ask for help. Good on you for helping others! I haven't quite got motivated to do much besides working in my garden yet. But I will. Mind you I did say that two months ago as well.
Glad to hear you're doing ok 70% is awesome 😊
Thanks for making me smile. I appreciate that. I can honestly say I'm good at forgiving people I care about (yay me!)... Now to just apply that skill to myself.
And I'm really glad if my memory helped you approach one of yours in a different way. That memory was bittersweet... How I miss my Grandparents. But such a favourite of mine. Hubby and I were married in front of the same window and I remember winter sun coming out and the glass staining my dress like a rainbow. I knew even if only Grandad could be there with me in person that my Grandma was with me too. So I am thankful for your reply about that memory. 😊
Hope you're feeling a bit better Croix.
Hello all 😊
Nothing much to say today. Just thinking of you all and hoping you're all doing ok.
I'm flat. Tired. All I want to do is sleep and eat since starting the new meds. Hopefully it's just a phase like how the last one gave me headaches at the start.
I have to laugh the last tablets kept me awake (and I whinged) and now these make me tired (and I'm still here whinging) 😊.
Oh well if it keeps the obsessive stuff at bay I suppose.
I'm a bit worried about gaining weight though my joints aren't great as is. Hubby pointed this out tonight when I mentioned being starving and I felt like rubbish. He meant well worrying about my joints but now I'm just right back at "what's the point".
What's the point if I have had to give up all sugar and restrict milk and carbs to avoid side effects from meds for my joints. I coped with that by allowing myself to eat more of the good stuff. If I'm not hungry I don't think about sugary food. And now the new meds mean another bloody diet restriction and feeling hungry. And did I mention I have always been a comfort eater?
And then it just takes me back to uni. Not having anything to eat because the tosser invited his friends over and I only had enough money to get their food and alcohol. Arrgh. I hate this.
And then the guilt. I resent my second pregnancy triggering this bloody disease. What kind of Mum resents her child?! I love my daughter but some days I watch everyone else eating bloody fruit and yoghurt and think what is the point. Man I have issues with food I think. Sigh.
Anyway I'm fine. Just a bit over it tonight. Will have a cup of tea (bugger the almond milk I'm going the real deal tonight) and go to bed. It will look better in the morning.
Take care everyone 😊
sorry you're feeling flat today and yes it sucks when you've got to be constantly monitoring what you eat
ive always had weight issues but managed to keep it under control until I started taking all of these meds - put 30 kgs on over 5 years
one of the main reasons I stopped my anti anxiety meds was because of the weight gain . But guess what 8 weeks since I stopped have lost very little
so I get it when u say what's the point and now I also can't sleep .
Quercus you don't resent your child you resent the disease so don't take on that extra guilt ok ?
Enjoy your cuppa and have a good rest talk soon
I keep apologising for not writing more often and I hope I am giving you some support. Feeling tired seems to be a constant whenever we feel unwell. I've got this and this and this and I am tired. Well that describes me at the moment. My GP is coming to the conclusion I have Fibromyalgia, such a happy thought.😊 From what I have read it seems a huge psychological shock can do this and I had such an experience a short while ago. Absolutely fell apart, then the pain started. No cure and it may be with me for life. Not a comforting thought. Anti-inflammatory drugs make me ill and strong pain killers send me to la la land. I suppose I had best get used to it.
Sorry to hear you are not feeling the best. One solution. If one AD keeps you awake and one makes you sleepy, why not have a bit of both? No? Ah well, just a thought.
Keeping to a diet, for whatever reason, is the pits. I am a comfort eater but managing a bit better these days. Put on heaps of weight. I find if I can stop eating sweet stuff for about four or five days the craving mainly disappears. If you are not hungry, don't eat. In 2001 when I first experienced depression I totally lost my appetite. I was still working then and decided I may pass out if I stopped eating so, no breakfast because no appetite, made a cheese sandwich for lunch and made myself eat it, back home no appetite so no meal. I lost 22kg before I started eating again. I very definitely could afford to lose this amount.
I have to say I stopped having milk and sugar in my tea many years ago and I enjoy it more. Gave up sugar in coffee a while ago but cannot drink it black. I am trying to stick to the healthy stuff to eat but it's not easy to do. Still while my appetite is down as it is at the moment, maybe I can lose more weight. Yeeeaaay. 😊
Have you spoken to a good dietician? I go to someone who is great. He talks about lifestyle, eating habits and food I like. Then we talk about how I can eat some of the food I like, what I need to eat and when, and how to stop bingeing. We drew up a list of activities I can do instead of eating and it is very useful. So the whole process is not about you can only eat this and MUST NOT eat that etc. He tells me he likes cheese and red wine so he adjusts his diet if he eats them. Part of the problem is that we feel deprived when we cannot eat what we like and that makes us cranky. The trick is to eat some favourites in small amounts while also eating the good stuff.
There's no need to apologise 😊 I'm always thankful for your advice and as you know follow your advice to Fiasco and Stressless so when you're helping them you're helping me haha.
Fibromyalgia sounds horrible from what I've read about it (admittedly not much). What is the plan of attack? Is there much they can do? It's funny what the stress and shock can do to our bodies.
I have been thinking of a dietician but to be honest I have done the elimination diet and I do know what I can and can't eat. Basically I can get away with milk in my tea and a few pieces of fruit (not grapes or melon) and that's the extent of the sugar I can tolerate. Any more and I get painful side effects.
I really shouldn't complain cos I can still eat meat and veg and some carbs and nuts. But the thing is it was a choice between some horrible side effects or a restricted diet. I chose the diet but I hate it. I didn't ease into it and haven't worked out what to replace comfort eating with. It's not like I'm one of the people who have an interest in sugarfree or paelo or whatever fad diet is in. I just have to. And it sucks. Moderation isn't an option unfortunately or I'd be there 😊.
To be honest it just feels like being controlled endlessly. When I was at uni the ex would drop me at the gym and say walk home you need the exercise. And constantly examine what I ate and my weight. I felt ok in myself before my second pregnancy and now when hubby comments on watching my weight I know he's justifiably concerned simply for my movement and joints but my hackles go straight up.
Sorry Mary it's just a bad day. The kids are pushing every button imaginable. I'm just over it. Spent the day with my friend and the kids started screeching and fighting again the moment we got home. Just want some bloody chocolate sigh.
I hope the docs can come up with some medication that doesn't make you sick. Maybe your physio will have more ideas now there is a diagnosis? Take care of yourself ok.
PS thank you also Stressless and Ross for your support I really appreciate it. This will pass I know.
Sadly there is no cure for Fibromyalgia, or so I'm told. The best is that it goes away and may not return for a while. Or alternatively it may be something different and there is a cure. Actually my GP said there was a medication. It's the AD I am currently taking. You can imagine how I laughed. I'm hoping to get my blood test done tomorrow and see what it shows. Then I will have a good talk with the doc and make a plan.
I know all about chocolate deprivation. Why I suggested a dietician is because the chap I talk to does not have set ideas about eating. He takes on board the can and cannot eat and works round it. He really has lots of knowledge about food etc but more importantly understands how frustrated we get when told constantly, "you can't eat that". Counting calories and all those other things just gets tedious and irritating.
Yes, when someone tells me what to do I hackles go up. Food is a very emotive subject and is so personal. My ex told me he would buy me a bikini if I lost weight. I was so angry that if I had a bikini handy I would have thrust it down his throat. It felt as though he wanted a trophy wife. His encouragement of my diet was to say he wanted to eat all the things he was used, and which helped me put on weight, and I could cook a separate meal for myself. Not practical and definitely not helpful.
Looks like we are both cranky tonight. Children are always angels when you are in public and little devils at home. It's bedtime. Goodnight and wake up refreshed in the morning.
Hi White Rose & Quercus,
Hope u don't mind if I respond to both at once. I am feeling a little overwhelmed at the moment as my moments of bravado are starting to wane, as my first psych appt in 2 months approaches on Thursday ( usually fortnightly)
Anyway just had to respond as it seems we three have so much in common. White Rose Fibromyalgia is hard to diagnose as u would know, and hard to treat with probably the best outcome being managing the symptoms during the worst stages and taking advantage of the better days.
At one time it was thought I had that too but it was later found I had Complex Regional Pain Syndrome. This is usually as a result of trauma and as it is primarily related to nerve damage also very hard to diagnose. At my worse I couldn't tolerate the feeling of a cotton sheet on my body such was the intensity of pain. In short the pain signals going to my brain were a bit haywire, and were not in direct response to actual pain.
Again as it was not something you can see as such , even though I did have rashes and swelling of limb, it was hard to be taken seriously until I went to a Pain Management Specialist. This was really the start of a very long road to relieving my physical and ultimately mental pain. I wonder if this may be an option for you ?
In my case it was a process of elimination. I tried implants, nerve blocks, tens machines , hydro therapy, medications, pretty much anything there was. Eventually in tandem with these treatments was the necessity to understanding my pain. There are some very good books out there about managing and/ or understanding pain.
Quercus like you I have had food issues not as serious as yours but I think White Rose's suggestion of a dietician may be of help to you in understanding food in relation to your condition. Again the mind plays such an important role in our response to things. If we think we have to deprive our self of certain things we immediately approach with a negative mind set.
If we look at the changes we have to make as a challenge or new experience , we have a chance to embrace it and not dread it. Easier said than done I know.
Sorry I'm rambling but I am trying to distract myself too as I feel I 'm beginning to unravel a bit . Totally lacking in sleep - maybe 2-3hrs a night since stopping meds, and don't want to start on sleeping tabs. Losing objectivity about what I'm trying to do here.
Hope u ladies feeling better