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Feeling well enough at last to find my voice again

Quercus
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi everyone!

I have known for years there was a forum here and was too afraid to join because it would mean admitting I needed medication and just couldn't fix this by myself. So here I am at last! I hope this helps even one person if they are feeling like I did. Ok here goes.....

I'm a 32 year old mum of 2, 15 months apart. I'm happily married, love my job, love my family and friends. I have support. Nothing bad has happened to me. So I thought I had no right to feel depressed. I have always been an anxious and emotional person. Mood swings were normal for me. I made every excuse to myself and the doctors to explain away my poor scores on the postnatal depression checklists. I admitted I constantly thought about suicide but that had been normal for me for years so it didn't feel like a big deal, it didn't mean I'd do anything. I was angry all the time and my moods were unpredictable.

Hubby said constantly I don't care what the doctor said you perform for them and I know you. Something is wrong. After my second bub and the start of a new health condition (psoriatic arthritis) I saw a psychologist who said I was dealing with chronic pain and two small children and what I felt was normal.

I practiced mindfulness. Family and friends gave me rest. Eventually I got medication to help my joints. I talked. I ate well, I went back to work. Everything was supposed to be better....

But I felt worse. I'd see the doctor and they'd say I was ok but I'd stand at the sink washing dishes and plan the steps of how to kill myself. If I wasn't busy I would find the thoughts repeating. They'd all be better off without you. You're worthless. They'll only put up with so much of your issues and then they'll leave you. So I'd plan how to die. And I was TERRIFIED.

My husband told me to write down exactly what I felt on a bad day and he put it in an envelope and made me an appointment for the psychologist. We made a plan. I would go in and say I need you to read this. I don't feel like this now but this is how I've felt most days for years but I can't seem to communicate it to a doctor and get help and I'm so frightened.

And finally! A crisis plan put in place until I could see the psychiatrist! Apparently I have had major depression for over 12 years. Only after starting an antidepressant did I notice how anxious and self destructive I had constantly been. I don't have suicidal thoughts anymore. I am happy again. It's the start of my journey but there is hope at last.

1,289 Replies 1,289

Guest_3712
Community Member

Hi Croix,

Just echoing Quercus's concerns and hoping you are travelling ok .

Take Care

Stressless

Hi Quercus - just wanted to congratulate you for "letting it all out".

Good luck with the new meds, and the new "journey"

TA

ro63
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member
Hi Quercus ,so glad to hear your session went well and you got to unload lots of things that have been building up for so long ,they do have a way of really digging deep don't they ,sounds like a good therapist hope it continues to go well ,and best of all hubby on board and knows what is happening absolutely awesome so happy for you ,you take care All my best Ross.

Quercus
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Wow! Talk about feeling grateful at the moment!

Thank you all for your words of encouragement and support and for keeping me in a good frame of mind on a day easing off meds (bring on Sunday and the new ones!).

I kept busy busy busy today. Too busy to think. Have been meaning to dig out and stack all the prickly acacia to burn once the fire restrictions end. Only one more days worth to go and we won't get the unpleasant surprise of a plant that feels like barb wire underfoot. I can see why they're the only thing the kangaroos don't touch.

Plus I got a surprise... the plant I picked up at the native nursery the other day is declared vulnerable.

Maybe the tag is wrong but I'll have to go ask and if they snagged some seed somehow then woohoo a carpet of scarlet lechenautias for me 😊. Told hubby I'm buying as many as we can afford hehe Happy Mother's Day to me 😊

Enjoying my leave from work actually. Don't have to go get yelled at tonight. Am seriously thinking I'd like a shop of my own. My friend needs a job as a bookkeeper and I know a few people who have been made redundant while on Maternity leave (oh yeah the workplace is so mum friendly... Yep sarcasm there). Hmm will have to think on this. Any ideas? If you owned your own shop what would you sell?

Hope you all have a great weekend. I'm taking the kids on a road trip to my parents and hubby is going fishing. I don't get reception so I'll speak to you all Tuesday at the latest. Take care of yourselves 😊

PS Happy Mother's Day for Sunday xox

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Quercus and Stressless~

Thanks for asking, as you noticed I'm a little quieter, basically I'm getting worn down (over)reacting to a situation outside the Forum that has been going on for a month. I hope to have it resolved in a week or so.

Unfortunately I cannot be specific as it would be too much of a giveaway (Walruses are shy after all:)

I find most of my coping mechanisms are short term, longer periods of stress I don't handle as well.

Take care of yourselves

Croix

Quercus
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi Croix,

Thanks for replying I was worried. Fingers crossed the week goes quickly and it's all sorted out.

In the meantime hope you're taking good care of yourself. Walruses are pretty damn special after all 😊

Hope to hear you back to feeling yourself again soon.

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Quercus~

I've been a bit remiss - you have given two memories to

Forums / Staying well / Store Your Happy Memories Here:

since I last thanked you. The prickly kiss from you father with that black rubber boundary, but no boundary in who swims. And then that wonderful word painting of sensations from the love seat swinging, and thoughts of your Grandma.

I'll be returning to that one in the next few day - more than once I think

Thank you

Croix

Guest_3712
Community Member

Hi Croix,

Sorry to hear you 're not feeling the best - hope all works out ok

Take Care

Stressless

ro63
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Quercus, glad you are keeping busy and have had a bit of a boost ,with some time off which is always good enjoy your road trip and give your shop some thought, great idea working for yourself has it's advantages ,and hopefully you will come home to a big fish supper Be well ,Ross

Hi,Croix , sorry to hear you are having a bit of a time of it at the moment ,hope it sorts itself out all the best ,Ross

Hello Quercus

Sorry not to reply for a while. Yes I started taking pain killers again. I don't think they agree with me, at least not when I take them for several weeks. So having a few panic attacks which is really irritating as these have been few and far between for some years. I have been prescribed some relaxant type meds but reluctant to take them because they can be habit forming and the effectiveness wears off when taken frequently.

You sound very cheerful in your last posts. Time off work is always great and getting your prickly acacia removed is a triumph. And what about your endangered plant. I moved a couple of plants or Tuesday. Or should I say my lovely gardener man moved them. I am enlarging a bed and decided to gradually add plants moving the edge further out. Easier to get rid of the grass that way. Then when it was done we had rain. Wonderful! Some of my ground cover plants have spread nicely so I have used bits to start another colony. I want to get a bougainvillea for the back/side fence where next door's cat sneaks in, in an effort to discourage him.

My exercise class is general. It's run by an exercise physiologist and everyone has their own program. Only six people in the class, all women though that is coincidental. It's also a great social outlet catching up on what everyone has been doing, especially as I have been away for three weeks. We also have an informal book club where we discuss books we have read and give recommendations. It certainly makes the hour go quickly which is good as I really do not like exercise.

So, opening your own shop. That's a huge project. My daughter has worked in the hospitality trade all her working life and managed a number of restaurants. Now she works for herself and has a teahouse. Teas of different size and magnificence and she cooks all the food herself. I have to say her scones are to die for. The teahouse is in a bush setting and is visited by whole flocks of Rosellas eager to eat her leftovers. I was there at Easter escorting my granddaughter to a chocolate high tea. Yummy.

So what interests you about opening a shop? And what do you know most about? I think the two need to go together. Clothes/books/knick knacks/food of some kind/manicure-pedicure/ice cream. There's a whole world of goods out there. What about dog grooming?

Mary