Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?
Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:
Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;
Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me
Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.
Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby
How i feel now:
Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet
How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?
If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.
Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?
I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.
I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.
I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.
Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.
I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.
Thanks for reading
I can't deal with it anymore.
M booked the movie for 3.30pm. I didn't know it went for 2hrs 40mins. He asked what time little miss gets dropped off cos I'd be home 6.30pm. He knew this was a little late for me. I told him I might not come, I really want to go. I asked if he could have booked an earlier session ie2.40pm. He quietly said yes but his mum had a few things to do. I didn't fly Believe that. We had lunch, did food shopping & went to his place to drop it off, pick up his son. This is when the real story came out. Wifey called & I heard him ask 'aren't you meeting us there? Have you already been to the party' THIS is the reason why he booked 3.30pm. To accommodate HER. He knew it was a bit late for me & his mum would have accommodated me. He had to please his Wifey, couldn't stand up for me & tell her 3.30 was too late.
Will it ever end where she rules him?
M&I had an argument. He said the main reason was his mum & he didn't mention his sis cos he knows my attitude toward it. He said my anxiety is silly cos most things never happen. I was furious. He says I need to allow myself to relax & enjoy my Sunday's. That I have a family that does nothing for me. He said I need to trust little miss is fine with her dad, to let go a little. Not for us, for me. He said we'll be fine no matter what. Told me my crap afternoon made his afternoon crap cos my phone was going off, I was anxious & I shut down. He said I should be able to enjoy 1 day of the week cos it's all I get. He said he loves me but I think I should tell him to find someone else. Someone free, more like himself, not like me.