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Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

CMF
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

3,975 Replies 3,975

randomx
Community Member

Ahhh, after your second last post l should say. lt sounded so good , like a normal couple for once - no sis.

CMF
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member
Haha. Actually is wasn't M I was referring to it was work. Having said that, was just on the phone with him & heard sis gave him a kiss goodnight. M's was a mmmwah kiss. Quite sickening between a brother & sister that live together. Funny, when he sleeps here, we don't kiss goodnight, even if we go straight to sleep.

randomx
Community Member

Same here actually , although things with gf are looking that way again to atm , but just everything, life.

ps , kissing sisters, that does sound just weird, in that way especially , and when you two don't even.

CMF
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member
Ah don't you love it. I'm still peeved about the movie incident, the way they went about it. I suggested to M we could take his mum to see the Elvis movie. I'm not that interested but thought it'd be nice to take her. We are going tomorrow and guess what? His son & wifey are joining us. When he told me I could help but say 'so we're all included this time?' I told him I only wanted to go to take his mum. Seeing as the others are going now I see no point in me going. I mean, that's how it works isnt it?

CMF
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member
He asked if my d would like to come but I thought she wouldn't be interested plus she's working. Funny thing is she said we should all go together. Sound familiar?Told M she is interested but the time doesn't suit her. I know he's already booked tickets anyway. I wonder if the an to include wifey & his son was already in place anyway? Wonder if he asked or if they invited themselves? Cos I suggested taking his mum they had to include me. Ah the anxiety of a Sunday with him & wifey.

CMF
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

I can't deal with it anymore.

M booked the movie for 3.30pm. I didn't know it went for 2hrs 40mins. He asked what time little miss gets dropped off cos I'd be home 6.30pm. He knew this was a little late for me. I told him I might not come, I really want to go. I asked if he could have booked an earlier session ie2.40pm. He quietly said yes but his mum had a few things to do. I didn't fly Believe that. We had lunch, did food shopping & went to his place to drop it off, pick up his son. This is when the real story came out. Wifey called & I heard him ask 'aren't you meeting us there? Have you already been to the party' THIS is the reason why he booked 3.30pm. To accommodate HER. He knew it was a bit late for me & his mum would have accommodated me. He had to please his Wifey, couldn't stand up for me & tell her 3.30 was too late.

Will it ever end where she rules him?

CMF
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member
I messaged little miss' dad to say I'd be home at 7pm. Sure enough. He was trying to call me at 5.15. I knew he was on his way from across town. At 5.45 my older d was calling to say little miss was home & when would I be home as she was going out. It was an awful day. I had anxiety about the lie, little miss' dad, everything. I couldn't enjoy the movie & now I need to speak to M about the lie.

CMF
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

M&I had an argument. He said the main reason was his mum & he didn't mention his sis cos he knows my attitude toward it. He said my anxiety is silly cos most things never happen. I was furious. He says I need to allow myself to relax & enjoy my Sunday's. That I have a family that does nothing for me. He said I need to trust little miss is fine with her dad, to let go a little. Not for us, for me. He said we'll be fine no matter what. Told me my crap afternoon made his afternoon crap cos my phone was going off, I was anxious & I shut down. He said I should be able to enjoy 1 day of the week cos it's all I get. He said he loves me but I think I should tell him to find someone else. Someone free, more like himself, not like me.

CMF
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member
I don't want him to waste any more of his time & money on me. It's not fair on him. Clearly we're very different. I don't want to feel like this anymore. My anxiety is silly to him. His perfect life & perfect family is different to mine. I'm a loner, he needs people. He deserves someone he doesn't have worry about. Someone fun.he deserves better than me & I deserve someone who understands my feelings.

CMF
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member
If I'm gonna sit at home on my own & cry, I may as well be on my own. He says my kids do nothing cos that's what I allow. His sis controls him & his kids cos that's what he allows. Today they were talking to his son about his night out like they were his parents. They're a happy family. No room for me & my anxiety. They don't need me.