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Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

CMF
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

3,976 Replies 3,976

CMF
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Rx I love hearing your male perspective. i feel like I'm always raising things and he doesn't. he says i don't do anything that could upset him, but i don't know. He was really quiet Sunday, thought he would be excited that i went there. He may have styed up late to watch car racing. when i asked he said he was just chillin'...but i don't believe it. He wasn't looking at me much, looked distracted...yeah, could have been tired. Maybe he's distracted cos he know the house situation is up in the air. As i keep saying, when he told me there may be a new plan he said straight away that his sis won't want to stay in his house. I guess after the conversations we've had he knows my stance re her moving out and he said she'll move out if they sell...but not selling it now by the looks of things...He did say he'll sell and downsize later when i do so i guess he is looking at the future with me.

I'm def triggered by his quietness. He doesn't answer some of my messages, ones that don't require and answer really so i guess i'm overthinking. As he is not someone who brings thigs up ie sweeps them under the carpet, i don't trust him a little when he seems off/distracted. He could turn around tomorrow and end things. If he felt there was an issue would he bring it up with me or just make a decision to do what he wants with no warning or discussion with me. I mean, that is what he is doing with his house/sis situation. i don't get told anything unless i ask. He sent beautiful flowers and wanted to celebrate our 3 year anniversary f5riday but it wa not to be although he still wanted to come over after my covid test. i was the one who pulled the plug cos i was stressed, running around in the rain to find a testing centre. yeah i feel bad but i was not in the mood, plus the issues i was having with my daughter.I guess i killed the moment but then again, his sis has killed plenty of them for me. He can be very matter of fact and seems non caring so why should i feel bad?

Yeah , def triggered and over thinking

randomx
Community Member

Hiya cm and thanks for that.

But nah , it's not about you , he might've even been missing his dad , or something else, or even just tired. These non bring it up types are a pain in the arse l know , still cringe when l think of ex w in that way.

But you know , on the house front , he's well aware that you won't want sis around so l wouldn't sweat it, he's def' got that message . lt is pretty complicated though like there are way more choices to think over than in most situations plus all his family stuff too soooo. He's def' thinking on it all though and you guys too.

My vote , relax , see what unfolds .

Big huggems

rx

CMF
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Yeah,

He does have a bit to think about and he does know my feelings on it all.

We spoke last night, all good, had a laugh. I was really up beat as I have been in the worst mood. Upset with my daughter, tired and busy with work and he has been coping the brunt of it just with my attitude and mood. Not really fair on him. I guess I'm going to try and be more conscious of my mood around him, especially when it's not his fault. We should be happy around each other but i'm letting outside things ruin my mood.

Interesting times ahead i guess lol

CMF
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

I've been in a much better mood as the week has gone on. M slept over last night. We had a nice dinner and our delayed 3 year anniversary celebration with some bubbly. We were both really happy.

He mentioned how happy I was and how he loves seeing me smile. He loves my smile. It made me realise how grumpy and negative I've been. I've been angry, ranting, negative and he has been so tolerant.

I feel like the old me again. Patient, understanding. Wanting to help others. I just want to feel good like this all the time.

Cmf x

randomx
Community Member

Nice one cm that's the spirit.

l fell into that trap myself last few times we were together recognized almost the same things in your posts lately. For me it was not us problems but all of her situation. l'd become all negative and untrusting of it all but since she's left for back home the last time l've just had her gorgeous smiles and playful eyes kind of sparkling looking up at me memories flashing in front of me mths now. The guilt's been killing me bc l realized what a negative drain l'd been and yet how she'd kept trying to pick me up look on the bright sides and tolerated my moods and negative. Yet , even though she has far far more on the line than me. lt should've been me carrying her if anything.

l've apologized and tried to make it up to her as much as you can from 1200k away but l still have the visions and guilt.

rx

CMF
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Rx

Don't feel guilty. Your feelings are valid and reflect your reality. You're allowed to feel the way you do.

We had a nice day. Interesting actually. I was in a good mood but not ad good as Friday. Just Sinday blues knowing I have work tomorrow. M actually asked what was wrong. He said I seemed a bit flat again, unlike Friday where I was really happy. Told him it was just end of weekend blues. I was surprised he asked. The only other time he's asked was day after the incident with the rug. When so's followed us into his bedroom and tried to takeover. He noticed that day that I'd shut down. Maybe good mood Friday reminded him how I am when I'm happy. Maybe he's picking up on how different I am when I'm happy and how much nicer it is. I was surprised he asked today. Maybe he's worried about things that trigger my bad moods? Maybe he's finally catching on?

Cmf x

CMF
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member
I may be wrong but have a feeling he knows the uncertainty with his house and sis moving or not moving is a sensitive point. I think he's realised that maybe I'm right, she may not move out for a while. She may be there indefinitely, esp if she wants to build. I don't think he has any idea. It's all speculation cos he won't come straight out and ask her. He's knows I'm onto it too cos of the conversations we've had. He keeps saying she'll want to move, she won't want to stay there but I doubt he knows that for certain. I think he's saying that cos I've clearly expressed my views.

randomx
Community Member

Hiya cm , and thanks for that/ Yeah l suppose so , as long as l'm not unfair to her though in the meantime , which l was , hence the guilt . But all that's sorted anyway , least of our problems these days unfortunately.

Haaaa, of course he'd be picking up on your moods he's living them. l think though with him where that just becomes a bit blurry though is that he tends to act in the past like they aren't there and sweeps away. But he's def' facing awareness a bit more these days, small m steps hey. Cm's thinking God your not kidding, wipes brow, sigh.

On the sis thing , lets just say he is sweating a little . He knows if anything happens she doesn't he's gonna have a very very peed off cm on his hands. But he certainly doesn't wanna go asking her or pushing it either , he's probably saying a few prayers privately on that one by now haha.

rx

Parisrose2021
Community Member
Hi there. I’m relatively new to mental health. First diagnosed a year ago with anxiety and depression, panic attacks, no symptoms prior. Journey has been up and down, with a stint in hospital and am in hands of the best psychiatrist I could wish for. I felt like I was making the best progress I could wish for, close to moving to less frequent appointments with doctors but I regressed about six weeks ago without any reason. I have no idea why. It breaks my heart. Has this happened to anyone else before and do you know why? Your experience means the world to me. Thank you so much.

CMF

the uncertainty of the move and what his sister will do would be difficult on both of you.

Parisrose

Thanks so much for your first post and welcome to the forum.

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It is great you have reached out here. You may find starting your own thread will help you as more people will see your post.

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