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Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

CMF
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

4,748 Replies 4,748

Guest_1584
Community Member

Yeahhh, l know , and a shame about your morning too.

My ex was a lot that way , never bloody mentioned anything some were huge but even just simple things like that that can mess other things up yet all she had to do was mention it.

Least ya might get out of visiting sis haha. Hope you have your nice Sunday anyway.

rx

CMF
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Every Sunday morning I manage to overthink and pur myself in a bad, upset mood.

If they're the 3 musketeers, 2 peas in a pod,what am I?

It's not just cos I exclude myself, it's cos they have lots more in common in new cars, travel bugs, watching shows together, texting each other little things, bf joining them for family dinner at their mum's during the week, all being under the same roof so often, al getting vaccinated so they can be free ( I have my reasons for not doing it yet and I stick by them). I'm not a part of any of that. Nothing.

I'm a nothing. I should just disappear. Doubt they'd care.

quirkywords
Community Champion
Community Champion

CMF

Your recent posts sound weary and sad and disappointed.

I worry when you say “ I'm a nothing. I should just disappear. Doubt they'd care“.

Do you think lockdown is getting to you.? I understand how you feel like an outsider .

CMF
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Quirky,

Yeah, it does get to me. I am fortunate enough to be able to go back to the office.

Something is triggering me in relation to M, his sis & her bf. I have this vision of them having fun and making plans to travel in the future. I am probably incorrect. I've always known he wants to travel, it's no secret. I think his sis posting on FB a couple of years ago, saying they were going soon has caused a trigger point for me as a friend of M's also asked him about it yet I knew nothing. I confronted him about why it was on FB and others new but I knew nothing. He said nothing was planned, it was just her 'manifesting'. I pointed out that seeing and hearing about it elsewhere, as if it was definite, was not very nice for me. Told him she was planning his life. Anyway, after her bf messaged him on Saturday morning showing him the message you get on your phone to say you are vaccinated and allowed to travel it naturally made me feel they are talking and planning again...without me. I know it's just chatter, hope but it triggered the same feelings as last time. The 3 of them do have more in common, then again, I'm an outsider everywhere I go.

Maybe I'm better on my own?. Always the loner?

CMF
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Sharing thoughts with complete honesty.

Let's say M was to go overseas with his family one day. I'm not in a position to go. I would never stop him just because I can't or don't want to go. He would go regardless. Where does that leave us as far as our relationship goes? I would not stop him, at the same time I'd be upset that he's overseas having fun whilst I'm alone. His life/plans are fulfilled, mine aren't cos even though I can't/don't want to go, I also want to be with my partner. I guess my point is that there's no point being with someone who doesn't want to do the same things. I want a partner who is happy to stay put, he wants a partner to travel with. He could still go, but I'm left alone so his needs of travel are met but mine of being with my partner are not. In this instance, he would probably travel with sis and her bf or his kids. as they have family overseas. Financially it's maybe not an option for me too. So again, how do you stay in a relationship where you can't do things together, or don't want to.

Big ramble, but need to clear my mind.

CMF
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

He wouldn't feel bad doing things without me but I'd feel sad that we're not doing things together or wanting the same things. If I did something without him I'd be thinking of him the whole time. He wants to go on a cruise. I would not go on one. I don't know if that will ever change. I just want to stay put.

Should I set him free? I don't want to waste his time or mine.

Guest_1584
Community Member

Unfortunately yeah l agree quirk.

Any triggers are very obvious from the outside cm this is all just the latest but it's been an on going thing right through sadly.

l try to be positive for ya and not dwell too much but unfortunately it's built up to such a degree for you lately it's no surprise your questioning so much and more seriously lately.

Problem is you've been different people right through it's not just now or travels , your who you are and m is who he is , nothing wrong with either really l suppose but if it's not this it's that or that or that and it's really built and effecting you more and more.

l wonder if m's starting to worry about it too ? l mean it's def' hitting home for him lately finally but l dunno what he's thinking about it all and your future.

ex

CMF
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Yeah,

I'm def talking more about what I want to do moving forward rather than us. That's cos I see him with them not me and when he's with me they are still 'intruding. They see each other all the time. Give us a break.

Def a trigger too the o/s thing. Triggering feelings of him planning things without me, which had happened in past relationship where I was excluded, kept in the dark.

M wouldn't do that to me but remembering his sis posting on FB about them going o/s soon really hurt.

quirkywords
Community Champion
Community Champion

CMF

I can see through your posts thinking through things that cincern you about your relationship with M and the role of his family.

Do you think it is more the fact M does not communicate with you about travel and other plans for the future than he wants to travel and you don’t.
I think that feeling of being left out of the loop of communication where everyone else seems to know is very isolating , I know that feel too well.

Has M ever talked about how he sees the future with the two of you in it and what that would look like. There is talk of travel, is there any talk of you two having a place together..?

Do you think the good parts of your relationship with M outweigh the ones you have doubts about.?
Q

CMF
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi rx & Quirky,

the differences have def always been there and it is just the accumulation of everything that is wearing me down. M does talk about the future, more than i do cos i feel i cant see anything till his sis moves out and i can really see what ti is like to be with just him. Tonight on the phone he mentioned her 3 times. I do think the good parts outweigh the bad cos the bad is really revolves around 1 thing.

I've realised now that things are triggering me so i need to deal with those triggers. I am worrying about something that may not happen for a long time and I'm convincing myself he will just do it without me. I know he'd like to travel with me, it is the trip o/s to see family, the one his sis seems to be pushing/driving, that is making me anxious.

Guess i should cross tat bridge when i come to it rather than creating all these scenarios in my head that may not even occur.

cmf x