Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

CMF · ‎20-02-2017

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

Tess2 · ‎26-07-2021

Hi CMF,

go you, it sounds like you are doing really well in being your own best friend.

You are stating your position and your needs and M is compromising for you. Keep strong. Have faith , don’t be anxious

tess

Guest_1584 · ‎26-07-2021

Ha haaa yep they're getting the message alright and most importantly it's finally sinking into that head of his too. Really admire the way you've handled it all too cm most would've had fireworks over all that or given up but you've somehow managed to keep things calm between you both right through and sis too no less, no mean feet there for sure.

Never know , m will be asking you if he can stay over at this rate and sis might be finding a new world herself too in actually living as a couple for once instead of some weird 3way thing haha.

rx

CMF · ‎26-07-2021

Thanks Tess & rx,

Yeah. I know what I deserve in a relationship. I have felt like waking away so many times but I know what a good person M is. Nothing that upsets me is intentional and he takes it on board when I mention things.

I really think i shook things up a bit. I'm not the 18 year old he dated way back when. Im stronger, wiser, independant, I speak up.

Yes, the break from sis has been good. She had a hernia surgery today. I didn't know anything about it till M told me today. Didn't even know she was booked to have it. Not sure if that's good or bad. Knowing M he probably thought it's not a big deal so didn't mention it. Or maybe they think I don't care cos I'm not part of their 'group. Oh well, whatever. I'll pop in with flowers one night or the weekend. Not gonna dwell on it.

Cmf x

CMF · ‎29-07-2021

So, was just on the phone with M. We were talking and sis started talking to him in the background. M went to his room I think as he said to sis 'I'm on the phone.

I guess the message is getting through. She can't steamroll me whenever I have his attention.

Guest_1584 · ‎30-07-2021

Weird really , some of that's all she's needed for yrs and she wouldn't even be doing it .

Anyway , big progress for ya hey.

rx 00

CMF · ‎31-07-2021

Yeah. I'm peeved again though Thought we were making progress.

M slept over last night and was leaving early this morning 8am to go cycling from my place. We were having breakfast, at 7.40am he gets a text from sis' bf showing the message you will have on your phone if your vaccinated and allowed to travel. Seriously, he had to send it so early in the morning? We could have been in bed,asleep... or busy. I told M I was peeved. He thought I was peeved about tge vaccine. They've had it. I won't. I him no. Peeved that he has to be messaged at 7.40am. He said bf was at work already. Told him that's fine but we weren't and was it so important he had to send at 7.40am on a Saturday morning? The 3 of them obviously want to travel, I know that as bf is from overseas and M & sis live travel. I don't. Clearly they have these conversations cos they're together more often.

Once again, the 3 of them, their little clique, things in common that I'm not interested in. Bf also bought a new car with all the bells and whistles, just like M & sis. Perhaps they should live and travel together. 3 peas in a pod.

M has done nothing wrong , but I thought we had this conversation about respect our for OUR time. I have asked if it will always be like this, the intrusions, lack of boundaries. M said no, it won't. Guess the others still don't get it.

I'm so upset again. Want to tell them all where to go. M doesn't do that to them. Maybe it's the age gap, they are 11 years younger.

Ruined the weekend for me.

CMF · ‎31-07-2021

We have nothing in common except we are good people and love each other.

Is that enough?sis and bf are at different stage to us. Different era. I can see why they behave differently. M doesn't do that so not his fault.

I don't know what the trigger is besides the fact they have lots in common which I don't.

M loves me for who I am, has spoken about our future , being together. Why does the other crap bug me. Still dont know if she's moving out end of September. If she doesn't, there's an issue. Where does it leave us? Covid Vax is an issue, he/they will have freedoms, I won't, even M said that.

CMF · ‎31-07-2021

So day got worse. M was going to be back at mine around lunchtime. I went shopping, he told me not to rush back, he would just grab his things and go if I wasn't back. Well I cut my shopping short so I would be back. On my way home he called to tell me not to rush, they cut the ride short. I asked where he was, he was half way home and it wasn't even midday! Told him would have been nice to know that earlier. Even though I didn't have to be home he must have known I would try to be or he wouldn't have called. So whole morning ruined, didn't enjoy what I wanted. He knew I was peeved, guess we're out of sync for now. He said he'd get his housework done I told him yeah and plan your overseas trip. Clearly that discussion is important with others and not me.

Guest_1584 · ‎31-07-2021

Ahh cm cm, what are we gonna do with ya.

Yeah l figure me saying progress was maybe a bit over doing it but there has been some none the less , but yeah , in the big picture it is a toughy , few bridges to cross yet , l know.

Well it's not just you l know traveling is all the trend these days too but nah , done enough already younger , l'm good. l also go cross state all the time for work which l still really enjoy but done with anything bigger than that or os, zero interest now. One thing l love about gf n l , not only do l live a weird lifestyle but she just slots straight in and lives exactly the same. And she has zero interest in travel or os either, she's from os and done enough too. l just mean it is important and in our case it's all a huge thing because like you l couldn't care less for any of that stuff anymore. So l suppose there's nothing wrong with their little threesome or anything they wanna do or enjoy or their closeness either normally it'd be good luck to them but yeah , it's pretty awkward now for you two.

lt's very understandable that's it's all built up to the way it has now after all this time. Some would say so what he got a text or you missed ea other at lunchtime, but don't be too hard on yourself it's not just those it's 3 yrs of it.

rx

CMF · ‎31-07-2021

Yeah

It5not about getting a text or missing each other at midday. It's about the unimportant text being so early in the morning when we may have been 'BUSY.' Obviously important to them, toM, sis and bf cos they wanna travel, must be talking about it.

It's not about missing each other at midday, it's about not telling me till he had picked up his stuff from my place and was half way home. He could have told me well before and I would have continued browsing around the shops. My happy place. Instead I was headed home cos I was expecting him midday, not expecting a call on my way home to say he'd been and gone. He wouldn't have called if he didn't think I was gonna go home to meet him. So it stuffed my morning up, but he enjoyed his.

I was gonna visit sis after her hernia op but no need. All over social media that she's 5 days post op and on her exercise bike. Clearly she's fine.